Sexual Health Community

tell me if you figure it out.. ,my wife and i havent had it in 6 months...im dying without it..shes been this way for yrs and its always my fault etc....therapy???maybe...

I have been there and looking back the lack of sex in the relationship was more of a reaction to other problems rather than its own individual problem. While it did very much feel like its own problem when it was happening to me, I see now if we would have worked on a few other things that were going on between us sex would have happened naturally again. Such a large part of what attracts us to one another is mental and if you are not connecting on an emotional level the physical connection is usually lost. Good Luck

You nailed it right on the spot outside the fact that adultery on her husbands part could be an issue although I hope not. I too have been there and I am 40. I have the biggest sex drive, but my husband time after time found excuse after excuse or it was when he needed it he would want it or we can't because of the kids and he can't concentrate. This is why we have parent meetings and lock doors. This has gone on for over 10 years. So I stop trying and enjoy my kids, keep myself physically in check and it's oh well. I will say your husband or any spouse who is doing this type of behavior and not cheating is doing themselves a disservice to their health. As my doctor said, our bodies were design for this. If you don't do it, it takes a toll on your body and appearance. Aging faster, physical appearance changes, etc. The youngest I have recently been mistaken for is 20 and being my children's older sister. I eat healthy, workout, and am very youthful in my heart and body. I live life:). My husband is the same age and is aging terribly and quickly, but he chose that path. Sex does wonderful things when you are connected mentally and physically. We are not connected mentally at all, and I gave up.

If you cannot get your husband to seek marital therapy with you than you can accept things how they are and pray it will get better, and don't allow this to stress you because you are young. Your marriage was for better or worse. I am also a homemaker and learned that has been added to the list as to why we don't.

I have an answer for you but this might seem a little harsh, and if you aren't open minded enough this will likely provoke you. 2 questions before I say anything. 1- did your husband become disinterested in sex all of a sudden or gradually? 2- can you take a brutally honest answer. I dont claim to know any 100% answers, but I'll give you 3 possibilities and the fact that one or more is what's causing the problem is 95%.

Thank you for responding...No, unfortunately I haven't figured it out yet...I'm sorry to hear that you've also been dealing with the same situation as I have, just longer. I can only imagine that pain that this has caused for you. Ironically, I started going to therapy a couple of weeks ago and have discussed this issue. I've only had two sessions so far with another scheduled for this week but I'm optimistic that it will help. We'll see.

Thank you (so much) for replying. I believe that you are right about us not (or no longer) connecting on an emotional level. I started counseling a little over two weeks ago and discussed this issue with my therapist. Though I've only gone twice so far I have another appointment scheduled this week and I am optimistic that doing this (on my part) will help to uncover some of the other issues in our relationship and things I've been dealing with individually. I'm really hoping for my husband and I to get close to one another both emotionally and physically and am willing to do what I have to do on my part to make that happen.

This issue usually is related to one of the following:

1. Low libido
2. ED or performance anxiety
3. Some unacknowledged sexual hangup
4. Adultery

I think adultery is actually the least likely in this case, or you would have suggested your suspicions. I'm a man, so here is my opinion about the other three possible causes:

If your man is not a communicator, he may be reluctant to talk to you about whatever is bothering him. His low libido may be embarrassing, because men are "supposed" to have high sex drives, but that isn't always the case. There are who knows how many women like you who end up with men with lower sex drives than themselves. Still, there could be a medical issue relating to his low libido. I think low testosterone is the usual culprit, and he is 41, the age when testosterone starts dropping in men. If he is tired a lot, testosterone might be the culprit.

You don't mention him experiencing difficulty with erection or having an orgasm, so sexua dysfunction might be a long shot as well. But performance anxiety can take many forms. He may feel like you initiating sex puts him on the spot and makes sex not fun.

This brings us to unacknowledged sexual hangup. You'll have to draw him out on that subject. Is there something you are doing or not doing that is turning him off? Maybe he has a hangup around pregnancy, or has trouble seeing you as a lover now that you are a mother. One thing you don't mention is whether this lack of sex actually started after the child's birth, or was always the case. If it was always the case, I think you are unfortunately just dealing with a man who has a notoriously low libido. Couples counseling might work well for you, if he's amenable and interested in pleasing you. If he is stubborn and maintain that you ought to be the one to change, then your going to have a lot to talk about in therapy.

What are the other issues you two are dealing with? Could they be the reason or part of the reason why your husband's sex drive is low?

As a wife I have had the issue of low sex drive. I felt like an appliance for my husband to partake of when his need arose. Growing up I heard "Boys/Men are only out for one thing (sex)" and "If you don't take care of your husband's sexual needs, someone else will". It wasn't until I read "The five sex needs of men and women" http://www.amazon.com/The-Sex-Needs-Men-Women/dp/1414301847/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1340655108&sr=1-1&keywords=the five sex needs of men and women . My epiphany came by understanding that husbands use sex to emotionally connect to their wives. The book also discusses impact of traumatic events on ones sexual drive. I do see the book being beneficial to my husband as well. He was surprised to hear that I did not use sex to emotionally connect, although I do enjoy sex. Sex to me was an extra curricular activity, I could live without it. I hope this book is just as helpful to all of you as it was/is to me.

im in the same type of marriage AN i know how u feel and i dont know to fix it

I feel your pain. I'm in a similar situation. I'm 43 my wife is 44. Over the last 10 - 15 years averaged sex 1 - 3 times a month. My wife has zero sex drive. She is on Zoloft which I'm pretty sure kills any sex drive she might have, and she is a recovering pain pill addict. What pisses me off is the fact that she'll sought out pain pills to curb that need but she won't do anything to increase her sex drive, and then she wonders why I'm pissed all the time. Sure I can look at porn and masturbate (of course she disapproves of that too) but it's not the same as having a physical relationship with you spouse. I wish the drug industry would come up with a pill to increase female sex drive I am so tired of being bombarded with Cialis, Viagra, and Levitra commercials. I guess every guy out there must have a dead dick but me?

I am in the same situation. It is the most painful issue I have had to deal with in my marriage of 18 years. I can not help but take it personally and feel that I am not desired by my husband which hurts to the core.

Have you tried discussing with your husband why he acts this way when you approach him for intimacy?

I have had many discussions with my husband who assures me that it is because he doesn't feel good about his self. He is overweight and he says sometimes he feels it is "too much work." Yep, that comment felt great.

We have been to counceling which helped for a short period of time. I am praying and believeing that as I remain loyal God will heal that area of my life.

My compassion to you and for me, it isn't anything to do with having an affair.

Perhaps he should get his testostrome checked? Take it from me who has been dealing with this for 18 years, take care of it now.

Good for you, I'm happy you are taking steps to deal with this right away. Have you talked to your hubby about this?

I really appreciate your response and totally agree with you that marriage is for better or worse. You gave some great advice, and I am starting to find other things to focus my attention on, especially my son.

I am in pretty good shape physically but there are areas that I'd really like to work on for myself. Sidenote: I know that I must still be considered attractive (post pregnancy) to other men because I receive attention from them all the time. I've been going to couneling since the beginning of June to try and figure out some things about myself and wow has this helped me see how my thinking (about myself and situations around me) is affecting my life. I'm so glad that I started going. Eventually I will see if my husband will join me for couples counseling.

Thank you so much for your response!