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    An_246658 posted:
    We have been married over 40 years. We have had sex once in the last year. Our sex life before had slowed down as we aged. Then I found out several years ago that he was looking at a lot of free internet porn. So I thought maybe that had something to do with the decrease in his desire for me. In the last year I thought that maybe he couldn't get an erection and asked once if he would like to try some of the available meds; got a flat out no. So now I find out that he masturbates in the shower. He says he doesn't watch porn anymore. Totally rejects any of my advances. I'm not an unattractive woman; still get my share of compliments. I keep a nice home and keep myself nice as well. He says he loves me the way I am and doesn't want me to change. He says his sex drive has dwindled. But if he is masturbating in the shower, I'm thinking he has some sexual desire, just none for me. It is making me feel horrible and very worthless. I am afraid to make anymore advances because the rejection hurts so terribly. Divorce or an affair is out of the question. Any advice on how to proceed and try to manage the hurt?
    queston responded:
    How do you know he is masturbating--did he tell you that, or did you see him doing it?

    This is not right. Masturbation is totally OK for anyone, including married people, but not at the expense of your partner's feelings and sexual satisfaction. He's being very selfish.

    Have you told him how this makes you feel? If not, you need to tell him, right away. Tell him that it is unfair for him to tend to his own sexual needs while ignoring yours. Tell him how this rejection makes you feel.

    It's possible that he may be under the impression that you are no longer interested in sex. Or who knows what he is thinking. Ask him.
    AuntieEmma1 replied to queston's response:
    Yes, he told me about the masturbation when I tried to talk to him last week about how I was feeling. He said he doesn't think he has a problem. I told him how I was feeling and he didn't want to talk about it. Insists he loves me, just doesn't want to have sex.
    queston replied to AuntieEmma1's response:
    I think you need to tell him that if you are sexually frustrated, then he *does* have a problem. Should he just get to decide that your needs aren't important?
    rhondamay replied to AuntieEmma1's response:
    Since he is now clearly aware of your desire for sex and is still unwilling to take care of your needs while he selfishly indulges in sex with himself, it is up to you to accept that celibacy is tolerable or you can reevaluate your position that divorce or separation is off the table.

    I could accept celibacy in the case of physical impairment of my partner but I would have trouble while he is self pleasuring would be very difficult.

    I agree with Question. Masturbation is fine until it interferes with partnered sex.

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