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    Husband has no sex drive
    lovelylu posted:
    I'm 26, he's 24. Been married 4 years, together 6. We really have a fantastic marriage - a stellar partnership. We have fun together, support one another, etc. The only lacking area in our relationship is our sex life. I am aware that I do have a "higher than average" sex drive for a woman - I think about sex a lot, am easily aroused, and if I had it my way, we'd be intimate every day.

    He's had a low sex drive our entire relationship, at least from a couple months after we first had sex to present day. If we mention it to his doctors, they just give him Viagra samples. The ability to have an erection is not the issue, he simply is not interested. It only happens if I initiate, and at least 7 out of 10 times I try to initiate, I get turned down.

    I am reaching out because when I bring it up to him, he gets upset and angry. I am also concerned because we are trying to get pregnant, and it isn't happening, probably due to us only having sex a couple times a month (we are in good health, exercise daily and a clean diet).

    georgiagail responded:
    It does not sound as if your husband has "no" sex drive but rather one that is far lower on the need scale than yours.

    He could request having his testosterone level checked on the off chance his is low. If this is not the problem then you need to come to the conclusion that he does not desire intimacy as much as you do. At that point you may need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

    Until then, it would be a very good idea to put the goal of pregnancy on the back burner.

    lovelylu replied to georgiagail's response:
    Thanks for your reply, Gail! His Dad's ex-wife and current girlfriend both have made comments about his low sex drive - maybe it is something like Low T and it's a genetic thing??
    3point14 responded:
    It sounds like he's in perfectly fine health, and while it wouldn't be a bad idea to get him checked for low T, that's probably not going to come to anything.

    Is there anything that especially turns him on that you could incorporate more into your sex life? Is he kind to you when he turns you down? Are you opposed to masturbating more? How have you dealt with his low libido so far?

    It honestly sounds to me like you just have different sexual appetites. Unfortunately, some people are wired differently and want more, some want less. It's a matter of finding a balance...

    Would you be willing to discuss with him exactly how often you want to have sex? Maybe plan nights in advance? While it sounds unromantic, it'll actually set you both up well. You'll go into the day knowing you won't be rejected, and maybe if he has more time to mentally prepare for sex it'll make it more of a priority in his mind.
    fcl responded:
    As he (apparently) has always been like this I really don't think (especially at his age) that low T is the problem, especially if low libido is the only "problem" that you have been experiencing (ED perhaps?).

    I understand that this subject makes him upset and angry - it would bother most men. It's hitting him in his manhood and few men appreciate that. How do you bring the subject up? Always in the bedroom? If so, don't. He's going to feel that it's a direct agression. Have you tried discussing this in a neutral place? In a restaurant, for instance?

    Another question - when you do actually have sex, does he enjoy it or is it a chore to him?

    How about sitting down with him and negotiating a number of times to have sex per week? He may not want to but, when you love someone, you need to be able to go outside your comfort zone for them (and the same goes for you for accepting fewer times than you would like).

    Finally, here's a suggestion that you might not like . Stop TTCing for a while, at least until he's had a full check up to rule out any health concerns there may be. I understand you want a baby but it's probably putting a lot of surplus pressure on him and creating a wall of resentment. I know this is not a solution...

    Oh, and change your doctor. A doctor who hands out a quick fix (Viagra) without actually listening to what his patient is saying is not a good physician. Has he seen a urologist yet?
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    lovelylu replied to 3point14's response:
    Thank you so much for your feedback!

    I am open to trying anything! When we DO have sex, it is usually phenomenal, but maybe I could try different ways of approaching the sex, so I wouldn't get turned down so often.

    The nature of his job, he works 24 hours shifts - I'm sure this impacts the entire situation as well....
    lovelylu replied to fcl's response:
    Thanks so much for taking the time to respond! I have the wherewithal to know not to bring it up in the bedroom, as to avoid further blows to the manhood. When we try to discuss it, I acknowledge that I completely understand how this is upsetting to talk about, etc. etc. But we essentially talk in circles, because as 3point14 said, I really think we are just wired differently.

    I was previously making a much larger deal about it. Over the past two years, I've tried to keep it more to myself - I don't try to initiate as much, and I compensate by masturbating more....but I do crave the human intimacy that only comes from having sex with your partner.

    A therapist myself, I am open to seeing a sex therapist/sexologist....not sure he would, but maybe even my going by myself would be helpful! What do you guys think?
    queston replied to lovelylu's response:
    I can relate. Although my situation is very different (in my late 40s, have been married 25 years), we often hover around that couple times a month mark and it drives me nuts. I know in my head not to measure my wife's love and attraction for me by how often she wants to have sex, but in my gut it's really hard not to. (Especially since her libido was much higher throughout most of our marriage.)

    I think making dates is a really good suggestion. I also hate rejection (who doesn't?) and I love the anticipation of thinking about it throughout the day. Sometimes I think that whole "will we/won't we?" dynamic can be stressful for both partners.

    If the sex that you have is mutually satisfying, then it's likely that he simply has a much lower libido than you. I think the trick is to convince him that it's really not fair for him to completely control the frequency of your lovemaking. I think it's be very reasonable to ask him to commit to at least once a week.

    You may want to explain to him all of the reason, other than just physical release, that you want to make love more often. These other reasons (like validation, intimacy, reconnection, etc) may not always be as self-evident to us guys as you might think. You can get the physical release part through masturbation, of course, but it doesn't fulfill those other needs.
    3point14 replied to lovelylu's response:
    You're so welcome. I'm glad that when you have sex, it's good. If that's not positive reinforcement, I don't know what is!

    I have a BF who works as an EMT and has another job and he too sometimes has to work monumental shifts. When I know those are coming up, we either schedule sex (and love the anticipation) or I make absolute sure to make sure that he knows that I miss him (sexually). Texting, calls, stupid notes and whatnot. If you make your sexuality into a wonderful plus about your relationship, and not a thing that he has to cater to, it'll be easier on both of you.

    I vote yes on therapy, and double-yes if he's willing. Couldn't hurt, right? And maybe if he truly sees that you're that willing to do something that drastic, he'll at least understand it better. Definitely emphasize to him as well the emotional connection you feel during sex, and try to help him get that it's not "just" sex to you. I had an ex that would get pissy when I talked about my libido vs. his (same issue that you have), but once he really got that I just wanted to feel closer to him, he was at least more willing to be sexual with me, if not have sex more.

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