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Hurt by Porn
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An_247213 posted:
In a previous marriage, I was damaged by my then husband who would rather watch porn than have anything to do with me. He would hide it from me and never wanted to have sex with me. We had a baby earlier on in our relationship, when our son was very sick (3 day hospital stay @ 6months with IV's, spinal tap, ect.) My husband would not stay at the hospital with me and our son. When he was discharged and we came home, I couldnt find the cable bill... he hid it and when I did find it, the 3 days our son was in the hospital he stayed at home to watch porn! This went on for a while, then he (husband) stopped coming home, would come in wee hours of the morning only to shower and grab money and leave again... Well needless to stay that marrigae ended.
But never the less I am highly scared, uneasy, uncomfortable, disgusted, ect. of porn. I met a man over a year and a half ago, and was totally up front with him about the way I felt about porn. He told me that even tho he watched it, it was for entertainment purposes only that he didnt get anything from it, and that it it bothered me that much he wouldnt do it. So we became serious, he was everything I ever imagined having in a man. We both have high libidos. And both came into the relationship knowing and expecting our sexual needs would be met. Well last week when I got the cell phone bill he went way way over in data (previous months he has come close or just barely went over) So of course the only thing I could think of was porn. So I told him about his huge data overage. He told me that it was from him playing games (which he has done since he got the phone), so I straight out asked him to be honest with me and he said that he would, I asked him if he had been watching porn, he said no, he knows how I feel about it and would not do that to me. I still didnt feel right about his answer, so I asked him to just please be honest with me, not to say what he thought I wanted to hear, he said he was. And just dropped it. I let him know that I didnt believe him. I was so uneasy. He wasnt trying to defend himself, he wasnt trying to prove to me, nothing. So I asked why he wasnt doing anything to make me believe him and how could he be fine with me not believing him. He asked what I wanted him to do. So I said show me the data (history) on his phone, he reached over and grabbed his phone without hesitation, and deleted things right in front of me!!! I seen that they were porn sites (bbw, xhampster, ect) I left the room bursting into tears. He lied to me! I think that hurt more than him hiding the porn. So once I pulled myself back together and went back to the room, I asked why he lied, he said he didnt want to hurt me. I asked if he has ever lied about anything else he said no. I told him that I have been there done that with a man and I would not subject myself to that again, and that this is his 2nd chance. I asked if he was going to continue looking at porn, and he said no, I asked what he got from it, he said nothing. I asked what did those women have that I didnt, he said nothing, that I was hot and he was happy. So now where do I go from here, I feel crazy now always wondering if he is lying, if he is still hiding the porn. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I have been burned before. I do love him and I truly believe he loves me... I am extremely hurt and not sure how to go about getting over this. Please help!
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georgiagail responded:
You might consider the benefit of some short term professional counseling to help you put this incident in perspective.

While it is, perhaps, understandable you are overly sensitive regarding the issue of porn, you need to understand that you are in what sounds like a relationship with a kind, loving man who (like many) just happens to view porn every now and then. He knows your reaction to it and he handles viewing this by, well, lying to you about it.

Because you feel "crazy" now over this issue, it is likely that without some type of professional counseling, you will continue to feel "crazy" always wondering and that in itself is not healthy for you, your partner or your relationship.

In other words, you are punishing your current partner (and yourself in regards to your health) over something that an ex-husband did and that's not fair to everyone involved in this current relationship.

Gail


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