Sexual Health Community

It is not unusual that men look at porn; you two have an active sex life and you are likely over reacting to his viewing this.

Males that produce testosterone look at females. This is a normal process in the animal world as well as amongst humans. While this does not necessarily mean they "must" look at porn a male who produces testosterone will be very aware of the females around them. The computer makes this easy to do with the tons of porn online.

Your husband tries to hide this because he knows this bothers you and because, likely, the very act of hiding increases the intensity of viewing this.

You are over reacting because you have jumped to the conclusion that his viewing porn means he does not find you attractive nor desirable; it may benefit you to realize that his viewing has nothing to do with either of these concerns.

Gail

I am with you and have had this happen, I am dealing with it (I think) but it is very very hard, I guess in my mind I do consider it cheating, using another womans body to "get off" to (often wondering i must not be good enough). I personally feel porn should be a couple thing, something that is watched together, not hidden. I do understand why they hide it, as to not hurt us, but being lied to and decieved is much more hurtful and ruins trust. which in a relationship I feel is a HUGE deal. I love the man Im with and I believe he loves me too. All I want is an open honest relationship, I think that is not too much to ask for. But I do tell myself its normal that guys look, and he is not out physically with another woman, and he treats me very very good (which he does). So I convince myself that way. Cause it could be a lot worse. And like Gail said I know for him its not a "Must" thing, just a want to. So I truly believe he is not addicted to it. We also have a very active great sex life. Him trying to keep up with me lol But I have been open and honest as to how I feel about it, and how I am trying to understand what he gets out of it, thinking if understood that I could jump this hurdle in myself. I am working on it.
So I wish you all the best! Good luck!

I (a man) am trying hard to understand this attitude, but it seems very odd to me.

Looking at porn is "cheating?" Would masturbating without looking at porn be cheating? What about if I weren't looking at porn but were fantasizing about someone other than my wife? Would that be cheating?

It's just hard for me to get my head wrapped around that. If I were happy and satisfied with my sex life, then I wouldn't care less how much my wife masturbated, and I certainly wouldn't care how she gets in the mood to do it, including looking at naked hunky guys or whatever.

Now, if I'm not getting what I want out of sex, and she's off with a vibrator instead of having sex with me, then yes, that would be a problem.

I would never, ever cheat on my wife, even though we have a fairly unsatisfying sex life these days. But if I look at naked pictures as part of masturbation, I just can't see how that is hurting her (or anyone, for that matter.)

Question, let me try a scenario. Let's say you spent the whole day cleaning the house with the thought your wife would be happy when she came home and seen it. She comes home and thanks you for cleaning the house. The next day you return from work and find your wife has hired a cleaning lady to clean the house.

Now can you relate to "I feel like im not good enough and i have no self confindence theres no way I can live up to his standards of what is beautiful." which is a statement from the OP?

Even if you couldn't understand how something is hurting your wife, does that make it hurt any less for her?

We all have different 'rules' for ourselves and our relationships. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to the question at hand. However, knowing the distress this is causing these women it is wrong (in my eyes) for their men (or anyone else) to justify what they're doing. No one should have to feel like that.

tmlmtlrl, as I said, I'm just trying to understand where they are coming from. I'm not saying it's wrong for them to feel that way. I just really have trouble understanding it. I guess I really see partnered sex and masturbation as two significantly different things. Maybe not everyone does. I actually think of masturbation as doing my wife a favor--I know that she does not want to have sex as often as I would like: I figure it's kinder to her to take care of it myself sometimes than to always be tugging at her skirt. (Plus, it's better for my sanity not to be constantly subjecting myself to rejection.)

Your analogy is interesting. Of course, I'd be thrilled if my wife hired a professional to clean our house (assuming we could afford it, which we can't), since it would mean I wouldn't have to do it, nor would my wife have to do it. (Since she hates housework, maybe that would even improve her disposition toward me, who knows?)

(FWIW, I did vacuum the house while my wife was gone this afternoon--something she appears not to have noticed.)

I work on a college campus, so I'm around pretty young women all the time. I admit, I like that part of my job. But it doesn't make me desire my wife less--if anything, it's the opposite. Seeing the pretty young women makes me feel young and alive and, yes, frisky sometimes. But frisky to be with my wife, not anyone else. Seeing other women may fuel the fire, but the fire only burns for my partner.

So while you're masturbating to various naked women you're actually thinking about sex with your wife?

I don't think you understand the lengths and energy that women can put into satisfying their man. The OP says she keeps her body in shape, is always in the mood, and is good to her husband. Do you understand how much of her energy is focused on him?

I seriously relate to this woman. I have a high sex drive and I believe myself to be everything my husband should need or want and am willing to fill in the blanks if needed. If he was to turn to porn it would devastate me. Masturbating is fine. Turning to another woman for sexual gratification is not.

Then there's the whole thing of him hiding it from her. That's a whole nother issue. Why not introduce it into their sex life.

IDK, I've dealt with it in the past and it really can make a person feel inadequate. I'm glad it's not my life now.

oh, and did you seriously completely miss the analogy? I'm too tired now but I know there is a good analogy for you... I'll think on it.

"So while you're masturbating to various naked women you're actually thinking about sex with your wife?"

Actually, that's about true. I generally need some visual stimulus to get aroused (on my own). After that, my mind mostly takes over, and yes, the thing I most fantasize about is good sex with my wife.






"I don't think you understand the lengths and energy that women can put into satisfying their man."


Yes, you are probably right that I don't understand that, because that's really not how it works in my marriage, clearly.


Like I said, I'm not saying that anyone is wrong to feel the way that they do. I just find it hard to understand. And I'm fairly confident in saying that most men would (find it hard to understand) too. Men don't necessarily talk about their masturbation habits a lot to each other, but when they do, it's obvious that the use of some visual stimulus is pretty-much assumed.

Thank you for answering that. It's actually very comforting to know.

Thank you for replying to my question. I cant talk about it to my girl friends because I don't wait to look differently at my husband. I am happy to see that someone does feel the same way I do or at least in the past.

This attitude I have towards this being odd to you, is flipped for me. It is hard for me to understand why you or anyone else in a serious relationship would turn towards another person for sexual gratification. Especially when the sexual needs are being met. (I understand in your situation they may not be)
I did like tmlmtlrl analogy of the cleaning lady, even tho it didnt seem to me like you fully understood the concept. So my thing is if I am willing to do anything that pleases my man, why would he feel the need to look upon another woman for that fulfilment? I am open and willing to try new things. I do not reject him. So in my mind the need or want for him to look at another womans body, means mine is not good enough. I do not want or need to look upon another mans body for any kind of sexual satisfaction, I find my man very appealing and sexy, he turns me on! I do not think of other men to get aroused, I dont play the "highlight reel" ever, because he does everything for me.
Now im not saying that I dont find other men attractive, he knows that I think John Cena is way hott. but never ever have I or will I think of John Cena like that. He is just eye candy and nothing more.
If just watching the act its self is the turn on why not make your own? Or introduce it in the bedroom with your partner, why the need to hide stuff? And if I am ready and willing all the time, why is there a need for masturbation? Like I said before he has to keep up with me, he has turned me down. So I completely relate to the OP.

"So while you're masturbating to various naked women you're actually thinking about sex with your wife?"

Actually, that's about true. I generally need some visual stimulus to get aroused (on my own). After that, my mind mostly takes over, and yes, the thing I most fantasize about is good sex with my wife."

I can understand when the needs arent being met...but what the OP is saying is that they are being met.

I try to understand this and I tell myself it is normal, to be honest I wish I did not feel this way...but I cant help it. I'm not saying Im right, and anyone else is wrong, to each their own. But this is how I feel, and think.

I must add that he tells me all the time how beautiful I am, but again in my crazy mind, actions speak louder than words.


Also Anon_10017 have you talked to him about how this makes you feel?