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How Often Does A Woman Need Orgasm??
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An_247504 posted:
I am a little frustrated and need some advice: my wife does not seem to want to have orgasms during sex, except perhaps once every month or two. Is this normal? As a man, I cannot fathom it, but she claims that "women don't need to get off." I'd like to know what others think.

We have been married for 10 years, and she is in her mid-30s. Early in our marriage she was eager and frisky and was more interested in "getting off." In the past couple of years she has become very "boring" in bed, to the point that I'd almost rather do it myself than be with her.

She is completely willing to "let me" have sex with her 3 times/week or more...but she does not try to get anything out of it, does not want me touching her with my hands/fingers at all, and has no interest whatsoever in getting off. She lays there and holds me. It reminds me of Oprah's line in "The Color Purple": 'he just git on and dud hiz bizness.'

On the rare occasions every 6 weeks that she does want to get off, she does not hesitate to ask me to bring her "toy," which she can use during intercourse. But the vast majority of the time, she is basically a receptacle for me. I am growing bored with this...I enjoy sex much more when she gets something out of it (i.e. orgasm) than when it is all me. I have tried to discuss it with her, offer to go down on her, etc. but she really just does not want that anymore (has not asked me to go down on her for at least a year!).

She would NEVER consider sex therapy, by the way.
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queston responded:
I don't have any answers, but my wife has become much more like that in recent years. We are older--she is 46 and we have been married 25 years.

She claims to enjoy sex, but she has developed a very limited tolerance for foreplay and the kind of stimulation that would be most likely to lead to orgasm for her.

It appears to me that she *can* have orgasms fairly easily from clitoral or g-spot stimulation, but chooses most of the time to limit it to intercourse only, which (as far as I know) does not tend to lead to orgasm for her. When she does have orgasms, it happens fairly quickly, so it's not like it's a big drawn out hassle or that she thinks she might be making me work too hard to try and bring her to orgasm. I love giving oral and I wish she'd be receptive to receiving it more.

I'm not a marathon man when it comes to duration of intercourse (my "stamina" is probably in the typical range, i.e. not the "penthouse forum" range), so I'd really prefer to follow the "ladies first" principle--her intercourse-only preference makes me feel like there's a lot of pressure on me to last longer.

I completely agree that sex is just not that fun if your partner doesn't seem into it or if you can't make it pleasurable for her.

I don't understand this either, and she's never really had any answers, but at least you know you're not alone.
 
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georgiagail replied to queston's response:
Your wife is correct; women do not have a physical "need" to orgasm.

However, the fact that your wife may view intimacy as something she doesn't wish to enjoy (as least with you) is a possible indication this marriage may have more problems than what's not happening in the bedroom.

Gail
 
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mountainmaniac replied to queston's response:
Thank you, Queston - it's good to know I'm not the only one. You've described my wife's behavior exactly to the T! What have you tried? I've contemplated cutting her off completely (if i could manage to pull it off), but im afraid that might be what shes silently hoping for. Will she talk to you about it or offer any explanation? Given that my wife is 13 years younger than yours, it is not encouraging that it seems likely to get worse for me, not better.
 
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queston replied to mountainmaniac's response:
Well, I think you probably know this, but I predict that "cutting her off completely" will not end well. If it takes her several weeks to even notice, then what?

No, my wife doesn't do sex and relationship talks very well. We are a very gender-role-reversed couple in that way. A couple years ago, *I* dragged *her* to a counselor (sex was not the only, or the primary, issue).
 
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An_251546 responded:
Honestly, as a female married 24 years now, I can say that some of us can do without an orgasm for the rest of our lives and be fine with it. Over the last few years, my breasts have become too sensitive to be played with, my clitoris is extremely sensitive, and I haven't enjoyed kissing since they put a mask over my face during delivery of my 4th child. Now I can't stand anything in my face. I can orgasm, and my hubby usually insists on giving me one, but I just don't want them. He gets his sex 3-4 times a week because he seems to need it, but I would be happy to have it a couple times a year if at all. He also likes to give me oral, and I used to find that my preferred way to climax, but I am so sensitive now that it is more of a struggle than any kind of pleasure. He asks me what I want, but I don't want anything. What "works" to get me to orgasm changes each and every time, and it is just too much work to try for, even if I were inclined to. I don't have any fantasies at all (really never did) and sex was never all that big a deal to me. It is to him.

Before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I no longer love him, let me assure you I do. He is my best friend, my companion, and my dancing partner every Friday night. We enjoy each others company and hold hands and talk and meet for lunches during the work week. I

I have tried to seek help, even though I don't feel anything is missing by my standards. I have had bloodwork done, talked to my OB/GYN and was told I don't show as menopausal. Even still, I am on hormone therapy to try to help it, and nothing is helping.

As a woman, we don't see why orgasms are such a big deal to men. It is a series of muscle contractions caused by direct stimulus to nerve endings in the sex organs. Further, it takes a lot of work to get that 10 seconds of contractions everyone is so excited about. Not all women feel this way, but some of us do.

It may not be ideal, but if your wife provides sex for you (whether she desires it or not), she is showing you she loves you. She knows men say they "need" it, and she provides. If she doesn't feel the desire anymore, she really can't help that. She could fake it every time for you, if that would make it better for you. Accept her gift as it is and understand that it is a gift because she is doing something solely for your pleasure.

I expect that when you are having sex, all you can think about is how good your climax will feel and you put everything into getting there. That includes getting your wife off, because that turns you on. I expect that when your wife is having sex with you, she is looking forward to YOUR climax, but not for the same reason you are. She is happy you reach your orgasm because sex ends then. It isn't that she doesn't love you. She simply feels no real interest in sex, and so there is no real excitement or reason to continue it after you have climaxed.

Good luck, and try to understand her, at least a little.
 
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stevesmw replied to An_251546's response:
Lovemaking is about joyfully giving your partner pleasure. The easiest way to give yourself an orgasm is masturbation.
In a session of lovemaking my wife would have hundreds or orgasms and enjoy everyone of them. It was pure bliss and for a an hour make every lousy thing in her life go away.
She wanted me to share in her pleasure. She would frequently say "can you feel my orgasms". Lovemaking ended when every bit of stress and sexual tension was gone from her body and then we would hold each other an fall asleep.

I wish you could experience what she felt and you might have a better understanding how lovemaking is for many women.
It doesn't take hundreds but one really good one makes everything right in the world.
 
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An_251234 replied to An_251546's response:
I understand a lot what you're saying. I love my wife, but we're at the point where we're so much like buddies--and she's so difficult to make love to--that I would rather do it with someone else.
 
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stevesmw replied to An_251234's response:
Accept the challenge.

If she is interested in making love and you can communicate well in the bedroom, you should be able to work it out.
 
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Mamihlapinatapai responded:
You're in the fortunate position where she seems to respect your needs, your relationship, and your marriage to the point where she "gives" you actual intercourse several times a week. True, it's not so great that she's not "into it," but I can think of other more damaging situations to be in.


Also, not all women need an orgasm during sex, unlike most men. For men, ejaculation and orgasm are two separate but closely related events.


This doesn't really sound like a therapy-type situation. It sounds like boredom, plain and simple. Try quality over quantity, say, once week, and see where that gets you. Vary the routine, don't go from A to B to C every time. Spice it up a bit.
The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'


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