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Aversion to my wife's fetish
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An_247585 posted:
First off, I tried searching for legitimate discussions about this subject and I was frustrated that I was unable to find information that was not suitable.

Background: My wife and I are both previously married and 35+ in age. Our relationship is very good but we have had issues revolving around this particular aspect of our sex life. She had many more partners than I before our marriage, and has experienced many more aspects of the sexual world. Not that I am not adventurous or in to trying many more things, but some things just are not a turn on for me. We both enjoy sexual satisfaction with each other and have an otherwise healthy and happy sex life.

My wife has approached me about bondage. She wants to enjoy being tied up, restrained, and things of that nature. I basically have stated that I have issues with such a thing. One issue I have comes from a life experience from my younger years where a close neighbor and her child were bound by her husband and barricaded in their house while he tried to burn it down and kill them. This was/is a traumatic memory that comes to the front of my thoughts when tying up is mentioned. The other issue I have is that when this was first discussed with me by her, it was put into the context of how she enjoyed how others had done this with/to her and that she hoped I could do it too. I am one that does not respond very well to comparisons to past partners and I think of our sex life as something between her and I, and not some continuation or reminder of past liaisons.

How do I deal with the aversion do to the past traumatic experience? How do I deal with the thought that this is not about something sexual between us or an adventure we embark into, but instead a reach into the past that is not about our mutual pleasure?
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Chris_WebMD_Staff responded:
Hi and welcome,

Have you received any help for your past traumatic experiences? I'm not an expert but I'm think you need to deal with all of that before you can think about entertaining your wife's ideas and become open to this fetish.

Have you talked to your wife about how you feel about past relationships, and does she know of your traumatic experience? You really need to talk and share all of this with her and you need to seek professional help so you can better deal with all this. I hope you do. I hope this helps to come here and talk about things. Reach offline for help too.

Again, welcome.
Chrissy~

Life is too short, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.
Author Unknown
 
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SimplyDave replied to Chris_WebMD_Staff's response:
I have had counseling in the past for the tragic experience in my youth. I have also talked about how I feel about past relationships and about the traumatic experience from my teenage years. I am just not sure I can go through with a bondage experience for her, even if it is something she wants. We have talked about the comparisons to past relationships and we have set our comfort boundaries on that, and in most everything that works very well. It was just an added part to this situation based on how it was put across in explanation.
 
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3point14 responded:
Why do you need to deal with this aversion, honestly? It sounds like you have legitimate reason not to be turned on by this, and some people just aren't. So why do it? I understand wanting to please your wife, of course,and it's a wonderful impulse. But you're allowed to have limits and boundaries, and she has to respect those.

In terms of how she initially proposed it, I hate to say but it's just one of those things you have to get over. It was tactless of her to present it that way, but you're obviously what she wants sexually because she's with you. Have you discussed with her that it kills the "adventure" feeling when you feel like she compares you to former lovers? Did she apologize for making you feel that way?

Everyone has a history, and while it's definitely unpleasant to think about the woman you love experiencing sex with other people, it's just kind of a fact of life. As long as she doesn't make a habit of it or demean you with it, I vote just put it out of your head.


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