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Lack of libido... and a desire to change.
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LacklusterLibido posted:
Where to begin. I am a 27 year old female. Been on hormonal contraceptive from age 13 due to severe cramping issues. Lost virginity at 17 in a lovely committed relationship. Candles and trust and whatnot. The things a girl's supposed to have. Moved to NYC, ditched the smalltown boyfriend, sowed some "wild oats" in college with a variety of partners.

I've now been in a relationship for five and a half years with the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with. When we began, our sex life was good. I wanted to have sex to make him happy. In retrospect, I've never really enjoyed the act of sex that much... I don't get a lot of pleasurable sensation out of it. I've never been able to orgasm vaginally. I know that's not abnormal. Clitorally is difficult as well -- I have very large labia and a tiny clitoris. It's a bad combination, because, honestly, it's hard to find it. What I think I have always enjoyed was the pleasure it gave to my partner, whom I cared for, and the power it gave me in return.

Now five years down the line, two years of living together, and two cats later... I work all the time. 60+ hours a week at 2 jobs. My boyfriend works from home freelance, and I am the one pulling in the steady income. When I get home, I'm tired at night. He's been home all day waiting for me. When I have time off, I want to relax. I want to cuddle with him, watch TV with him, have a few drinks, maybe go out to eat or order something in. But what I don't want to do pretty much ever is have sex. Sometimes on the train coming home, I think, "I'm going to surprise him by having sex when I come home! He's gonna love it!" And by the time I get home... well, the impetus is gone. We often plan which night we are going to have sex. We lube me up, we go for it in several positions, I try to make it fun for him without lasting long enough to make me sore. I don't really like foreplay that much because it's hard for him, despite trying to teach him, to stimulate me. Because it's so hard to find my clitoris, he often rubs too hard, which is of course the opposite. Or he's way to the left. Or way to the right. It's not that I don't like stimulation - I masturbate before bed a couple times a week. But it's easier to do it myself. The actual act of sex feels like someone repeatedly jabbing my insides, if I take all the emotional love out of it. I also don't like the saliva involved in french kissing.

I don't want it to be this way. He is a wonderful, handsome, giving, sexual creature. He does the dishes, takes out the trash, loves my parents, and loves me unconditionally. He puts up with this with only mild complaint. But I want to make it better for him. I want to enjoy sex. I want to want to have sex. I just have no idea where to begin. Is it the hormonal BC? I tried to go off it for a month, and the cramps returned with a vengeance I hadn't known since I was a tween. Am I doomed?
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queston responded:
Well, BC pills are a known libido suppressant. You should talk to your doctor about changing PC pills. That might help. ANd ask if there's anything else that could help with your cramps if you went off the pill.

Have you tried the clitoral stimulation gels? That might make the manual stimulation part more fun for both of you and less "work" for him, who knows.


Helpful Tips

pain having sex
Try putting a pillow under your hips. Lubricate is important. Good luck More
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