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Seeking advice for serious sex problems
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jnsmed posted:
I was wondering if I could get some advice about my current sex life. I have been dating this guy for a while now and romantically everything is perfect. We rarely fight and are pretty much perfect for each other. However, there is one thing that is hindering our relationship, and that is sex.

For some reason, I have a very high sex drive. I'm 21 years old, I've been on birth control pills for about 3 years, and I've been on two different antidepressants for almost 6 years. Being on antidepressants and birth control should mean I have a suppressed libido, but in fact I am the total opposite. I have a huge sex drive. My boyfriend is 27 years old and was a virgin when we started dating. His libido is not quite like mine because he doesn't want sex near as much as I do. But that is not our biggest problem.

The biggest problem is that for some reason he can't orgasm. We've had sex many times and I'm going to guess that he orgasms/ejaculates only 30% of the time. Sometimes it really hurts me and I take it personally although I try my hardest not to. It's not that he has a problem with getting an erection because he can usually get an erection very easily. His trouble is with keeping the erection and actually being able to orgasm. There are many times that he will go soft while we are having sex and we just have to stop and give up. He can get an erection just fine but goes soft very easily, especially during sex. We have tried many different positions as well and he only seems to orgasm in the missionary position.

My guess is that he has desensitized himself. He was a virgin at the age of 27 so he has been masturbating 5-6 times a week for about 12 years. I have watched the way he masturbates and he is so rough with himself. He squeezes himself so hard when he masturbates and I'm very surprised that it doesn't hurt him. Of course, he can orgasm when he masturbates just fine but now when we are having sex. He says that sex feels very good, but I know that it is obviously not stimulating him enough.

I know that sex isn't everything, but since I have a high libido it is really causing a lot of burden on our relationship. We will both get very frustrated and many times our sex ends in disappointment. I have even questioned him about being gay because I thought maybe I just wasn't "doing it" for him. We have considered the thought of using certain products to help us out like tingling lubricant or a cock-ring, but I'm just not sure how much good those things will do. I have looked everywhere for a cream that will help him become more sensitive and I honestly don't think there is one. This problem really causes me to reconsider our relationship because the most intimate moments are ruined by his uncooperative penis. It is also taking a huge toll on my self-esteem. Whenever he goes soft I always blame myself and he gets very upset with me for doing that, but I just can't help it. Unfortunately there's nothing I can do to change the way my vagina feels so that it matches the way that his hand feels when he masturbates. I feel like I have tried everything and that perhaps I'm just not good enough and maybe he needs someone who has a tighter vagina.

If anyone has any advice or suggestions, please let me know. I'm almost desperate at this point. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this as I know it is very lengthy.
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
jnsmed,
Glad you found a great guy and things are going well...sorry to hear about the sex tho. I have a couple questions, he was a virgin until he met you. Was their a reason for this? Maybe in his mind he thinks sex is dirty or vulgar, he may not express this to you because you have a high sex drive. And yes masterbating that frequently can desensitize yourself...does he still masterbate? If so, try to get him to do it less frequently and with your "issue" that shouldnt be a problem . Like you said, he is very rough on himself and his ahem, member is probably used to a very firm grip. Coming from someone who has a similar issue, i can get erect very easy but after a good 10 to 15 minutes i do start to get soft and need to find away to harded up. Past partners of mine have had the same concerns that you have raised...that it doesnt feel good or i dont think they are attractive. That wouldnt be farther from the truth, it feels amazing and im not going to have sex with someone who i am unattracted to. Eventually it got to a mental thing, where i would try to think about staying hard...i would focus on that so much that i would forget how great it felt...thus leading to limpcity.

I would try to have a conversation with him about sex and his views about it...be honest with each other. once you get a good understanding as to where each other sit on the subject, you might be able to figure somethings out. Sadly for some people sex is a touchy subject because they dont feel comfortable talking about it openly, so make sure he feels comfortable and he knows your coming from a good place.

Hope this helps, best of luck!

IC
 
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jnsmed replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
IC,

Thanks for your advice. We are very open about the issue and talk about it very often. He knows how much it bothers me and says that it puts a little too much pressure on him, but sometimes I just can't help it. There is no particular reason why he stayed a virgin for so long. He was always so caught up in finishing college and getting a steady career that he waited until he was about 26 to even start dating around, and it just so happened that he stayed a virgin that whole time. He didn't intend to or anything, that's just how it happens. He does not think that sex is dirty or vulgar. He wants sex often, just not as often as I do.

My only issue with telling him not to masturbate anymore is that I don't want to become that controlling girlfriend that everyone dreads. I know he would stop masturbating for me but I don't want to put that kind of restraint on him. We only see each other once or twice a week and we usually only have sex once or twice a week, so I feel like telling him not to masturbate would be too tough on him.

I honestly think that he might have damaged some nerves and that's why he is not stimulated enough by sex and why he has to squeeze so hard when he masturbates just to feel anything. I doubt this damage is reversible.

Thanks for your advice!
 
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georgiagail replied to jnsmed's response:
It is highly unlikely he's damaged nerves from his masturbation. More than likely he's trained himself to require more intense stimulation than intercourse can provide.

You say you two are very open about this issue. Then suggest that he avoid masturbation and see if things improve.

Gail


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