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Do I need to just stop being concerned over our sex life, and not care anymore?
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StacyVaughn posted:
We've been sleeping together for like a year and a half. I'm still young with a really high sex drive, he's older and doesn't care for sex as much anymore. At the start he kept up with me, foreplayed, oral, etc. But it seemed kinds short lived. We would/do still have intercourse, but nothing else. I only recently stopped giving him head cause I was tired of always giving and never recieving. I've talked to him about this MANY times. He'll eventually go down on me ONCE like every four months, almost his way of shutting me up for a little bit. I've become a little more withdrawn with our sex life over it, cause I don't get the satisfaction with ONLY intercourse every-single-time for so long. It's boring. The RARE occassion he does go down on me, it's not long, he doesn't go all out like he use to (literally just flicks his tongue back a forth for a little bit), and it's apparent he doesn't want to do it. So I'm just uncomfortable and not able to enjoy it the whole time. But than he puts his d*ck in my mouth and he gets it as long as he wants.
I shave, I'll make sure I'm clean, etc. I've asked him if it's the smell, taset, if he just flat out doesn't like to do it. But he swears up and down there is absolutley no reason, and he loves to do it. But he never does it- along with all the other forms of foreplay! He claims it's just cause he's older and doesn't have the desire anymore. Yet he still has the desire to have sex and recieve!?
Now he just gets all hostile and annoyed when I bring it up, so I stopped.
I love him, and every other aspect is great. I enjoy the sex itself. I'm, not willing to leave him. I'm just bummed that that's all we ever give each other anymore. Like I said, it gets boring.........
Thoughts, tips, advice?

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fcl responded:
"He claims it's just cause he's older and doesn't have the desire anymore. "

If this is the case then it's not going to get any better. Imagine how things will be in five or ten years time.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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StacyVaughn replied to fcl's response:
"Yet he still has the desire to have sex and recieve!?"

So what if it's not the case?
 
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Elle0317 replied to StacyVaughn's response:
Refuse sex until he is willing to meet you half way. You can't keep giving him everything he wants without giving you anything. He's either way too comfortable/lazy or just doesn't really care about your needs. Making love is for both of you, not just him.
 
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tlkittycat1968 responded:
You say he's older. How old is he? My DH is 50 and he still has the desire and he makes sure I'm taken care of first. Because he usually takes care of me first, I don't mind occasionally taking care of him either via oral sex or a hand job when I'm either on my period or just not in the mood.
 
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StacyVaughn replied to tlkittycat1968's response:
He just turned 32
 
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dfromspencer responded:
He just turned 32? And he does not enjoy having sex with you, unless you do all the giving? Hmm, it sounds like he is just a lazy lover? Or, he could have had a drop in his testosterone levels? After thirty, men can lose testosterone. That is the normal age for men to start experiencing sexual problems. Have him go to the Dr. for blood tests. That would rule out any health problems he may have, and not even know it.

Otherwise, keep on him till he understands you have needs, also. Or, just give up, and be miserable for the rest of your life? I know what i would do, in a situation like your's, TALK!!! Communication is the key to a healthy relationship!

Good luck, Dennis
 
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fcl replied to StacyVaughn's response:
He's only 32???!! Wow. I really hate to say this but I wonder whether he isn't that into you any more and he's just using you until something better comes along ... After all, he's getting his but can't be bothered pleasing you - you don't do that to someone you care about.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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StacyVaughn replied to fcl's response:
If it wasn't for the fact having a child was a mutual decision, and we now have a little girl on the way, and that we just got engaged like a week ago, I might wonder if you're right.
 
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StacyVaughn replied to dfromspencer's response:
When it comes to actual intercourse, he's picky. He doesn't like to be dominated, doesn't like when I initiate, and rarely ever likes for me to do more than half the work. But sometimes that leads to a routine. And I get bored with that cause sometimes I want to dominate him and please him. But it always makes him all uncomfortable when I try. So I don't.

He has brought up a time or two that he wonders if his testosterone level has lowered. But wouldn't that make him not desire sexual encounters in general? Rather than him just picking about choosing, and non of what he picks and chooses is pleasing me?

I've tried talking to him in SO many ways, so many different times. He gets super annoyed whenever I bring it up, and says it makes him not want to do it that much more. I've tried just saying things like "now that we've been sleeping together, what are your likes and dislikes? Is there anything you haven't tried that you've liked to?" And he just ignores me. There was one time that he eventually heard me out, felt bad, and said he'd try. But of course that never happened. Like I said, every other time I bring it up, no matter how I try to do it, I get ignored, or he gets all pissy.
 
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Anon_475 replied to StacyVaughn's response:
But wouldn't that make him not desire sexual encounters in general?

Exactly. He wants all the benefits without having to work for them. He'll continue doing this as long as you allow it.

every other time I bring it up, no matter how I try to do it, I get ignored, or he gets all pissy.

And you want to marry this man knowing that your sex life is not going to get any better? Is he as lazy about your relationship in other areas or is it ony sexually that he is selfish?
 
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StacyVaughn replied to Anon_475's response:
I keep hoping it will get better. Every so often he gets bursts of sex drive, or is just trying to do the bare minimum cause he's aware I'm unhappy about our sex life, and all the sudden he "wants" to go down on me and get all hot and heavy. But it will only be like two times, than back to normal. For the last how ever many months I've been so unsatisfied with our sex life! Than I had a uti, so it was a nice excuse to tell him we shouldn't have sex. Than we didn't see each other for a couple days. Than yesterday I came over and he was making out with me, went down on me, and we had best sex against the wall than we have had in some time! But I'm now anticipating the transition back. Every other aspect of our relationship is great, I adore him. I just get so frustrated when I have to put up with mediocre sex for so long before getting what I really want.
 
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dfromspencer replied to StacyVaughn's response:
Stacy, i hate to say things like this, but, it sounds to me, like he's blowing you off? He is not really listening to you. He is not understanding your needs. He does great one, or two times, then its right back to zero. He is disinterested in your sex life. I am sorry to say this, your man is very selfish! He only initiates when "he" wants to, and only jumps in when you get upset about it. That is not the type of person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with, baby or no.

He needs to grow more as a man. Every long lasting relationship I have ever known, had compromise within it. He does not want to compromise with you, he wants what he wants, and thats it. No concessions for you. Except, when you are upset. Is that what you want out of life, no compromise? No 50/50? That is up to you. He must want to change, you cannot change him.

Men like to think of themselves as fixers. You need to put this problem on him. Next time you get upset, ask him "How do we fix this"? Then ask him, how can you help me? See what happens? If he cannot fix your problem, then maybe you need to seek someone who can?

Loss of testosterone in itself, does lower your desire, and could stop the desire altogether. I guess it would depend on how low it was?

Could it be possible, he might be depressed, or overstressed at work? That would make some people want sex less, even tho its a great stress reliever.

Stacy, i wish you all the happiness in the world, Dennis
 
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StacyVaughn replied to dfromspencer's response:
I feel the same way. That's why I've felt resentment towards him. I feel like I'm willing to do whatever it takes, whatever he wants, and he couldn't care less. Or doesn't have enough 'desire' to care. I know I could use some tips in the bedroom, so I ask him what he likes, or how he likes it. All he ever says is "I don't know. I like what you do.." Which is total bull. It's rare he likes when I'm on top. But I'm so self conscious, and when I ask for direction, he never gives me anything, It's true he's older, so I don't doubt a testosterone drop. We do have a lot of financial worries, especially with a baby on the way. I try to be sensitive to these potential factors playing a role in our sex life. But than again, I go back to saying if he doesn't have the desire to please me, why does he have the desire to still initiate/have sex, and receive oral from me? Something just doesn't add up to me.

I at one point made a profile on a "hook up" site to maybe find someone who would be willing to please me, vise versa. But It didn't take too long before I deleted it.. It made me feel way too guilty, and even more depressed that I'd even consider that. But if pleasing me is that much of a burden sometimes it seems logical to keep us both happy. (Not that he'd be happy if I cheated on him though).

I've never been in this situation before, and I don't have anyone to talk to about it, other than websites. I've never been able to "let go" sexually. I've always been super self conscious. But I want to be able to learn. I want sex to be a great- care free experience for me. This whole sherrade has made all of my worries and concerns that much worse.. My self esteem has hit an all time low. I know he loves me, but I can't help but feel like I'm not what he wants cause he doesn't desire me sexually like I'd think someone should.

I'm at a loss. And at this point I'd be worse off in life without him. I'd have no one to help me with the baby so I could work or get anything done. So even if I wanted to leave him (which I don't) it would make everything wayyyy harder and more complicated.
 
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dfromspencer replied to StacyVaughn's response:
I feel so sorry for you. But do not think there is no one to help you, there is. Have you never heard of D.H.S.? Womens shelters? Even a church might help in some ways? There are resources out there for women in your situation. You say you don't want to leave him, and i can understand that. YOU have invested alot in this relationship, and you don't want to see it all end. I really think you need to step back, and concentrate on what YOU want out of this relationship? If you don't get it now, will you later? NO!

Stacy, I am truely sorry, but this "man" is not thinking like a man. If he was, he would be all over pleasing you! That is number one in our thinking of women, pleasing them in bed, and everywhere else in any relationship. This guy continues to ignore you, he only cares about himself. If he really cared about you, he would move heaven and earth to please you. As much as i hate to say this, he does not really love you! True love=100%. He only gives you, at best what, 30%?

I think its time to start thinking of you, for a change? If this guy really loved you, he would think only of you, not himself. I'm sorry about the financial dificulties, but there is help out there, even if you have no family or friends for support. Think about yourself for once, you deserve to be happy, in all aspects of the relationship.

I wish you all the best, Dennis


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