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How to initiate sex
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StacyVaughn posted:
Here's the deal. I use to always initiate, but it made my fiancé uncomfortable, and he wouldn't persue. For whatever reason, he doesn't like aggressive or dominate women. But when we've talked about his past fiancé, they rarely slept together, and she was very shy when it came to sex. No blow jobs, hated dirty talk, etc. so I feel like maybe he just never had a woman that wasn't afraid to take what she wanted. He's definitely not afraid to do so, and after over a year, I want to take control!

Is there anyone with maybe some ideas on how I could go about this? I don't want to come off too aggressive, and history repeat itself. Any settle ways I can make my move and ease him into it comfortably?
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dfromspencer responded:
Try being the first one to kiss. Put your hands on him more. Give him massages. Once he gets used to having your hands on him, it shouldn't be too hard, to progress from there?

Hope this helps? Dennis
 
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StacyVaughn replied to dfromspencer's response:
Last night I tried just putting my hand on his leg, and kissing him a little, than just going about watching tv. Second time I did that though he was acting all uneasy and wouldn't really kiss me back. Might have to try a massage first! Thanks!
 
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dfromspencer replied to StacyVaughn's response:
Now you have me wondering? Could he have been molested as a child? It could be, he is just naturally shy? Keep on with the touching, and see what happens? I hope he comes around?
 
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StacyVaughn replied to dfromspencer's response:
It's possibly of course, but I'd the he would have told me. I was sexually abused through my child hood, and him and I have talked about it. Hopefully, well see what happens!
 
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dfromspencer replied to StacyVaughn's response:
If he didn't mention it, he probably has not. I feel sorry for you, that is something you can never forget. It seems to me that, you have forgiven them, and moved on, which is a good thing.

I hope he comes around, for both of your sakes?
 
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longduckdong46 replied to hairyd's response:
How about abstaining from sex with him for awhile ? I understand that you want to enjoy an active sex life, but just maybe if you layed low he would come to you and initiate the action ?
In the meantime do you have any toys to maybe take the edge off ? Something to consider.
 
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StacyVaughn replied to longduckdong46's response:
Well due to having some relationship issues, we haven't slept together in probably five or so days (which is uncommon for us. If we don't have sex before bed, we have sex in the morning). Yesterday was a better day between us. It was his day off so I made sure to do my make up and hair nice. He always makes sexual passes, and since he had yesterday, I figured it was open game. The first time I came on to him it was just kissing. He seemed fine with it. But I made a few passes after that. He kept pushing me away though. Later that night/this morning his stomach was hurting so I didn't even try. I'm back to not wanting to try anymore though. I'm getting so frustrated cause I want to be able to feel sexy/confident, and show him that side of me, but he never let's me. I don't care if I'm "in control" really, but I want to be able to initiate sometimes. I want to turn HIM on. I ant him to allow me to kiss and touch him before sex. Seems like unless I'm putting his penis in my mouth he doesn't care though.
 
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onesmartperson replied to StacyVaughn's response:
StacyVaughn...just a thought here....after reading what you wrote about how he reacts towards you sexually...please don't bget upset by my question but...here goes...could he be gay??? Most men I know would kill for someone like you in the bbedroom...mine included!!!! Again, just a thought. Good luck
 
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vesuvius13 responded:
Stacy, you have to ask yourself how important sex is to you as I doubt that your fiance is going to change. I don't know the reason for his resistance - feeling inferior, inexperienced, low sex drive, or any number of reasons but I do know that he is unlikely to change very much no matter what you do.

Is sex a deal breaker for you, don't be afraid to say it is as sex is an act of love to many of us and we need the affirmation. If it isn't a deal breaker then you need to adjust to a very limited sex life as his reactions don't suggest he is going to become open to your advances.
 
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Robert48506 replied to StacyVaughn's response:
I want to ask what was it that you were both doing at the time you were trying to do this? Was he in the middle of watching a sports game or something like that?

Also I do not recall you posting either of your ages. Is he over 35 by chance? I know for me my sex drive took a huge nose dive due to health reasons and I would often avoid it due to performance issues.

If his testosterone was anything like mine 100-150 when a healthy male is around 700-900 it may not always be obvious. I could perform but not at the same level or satisfaction as I did years before that.

Depression can also lead to feelings of withdrawal from sex.

Men do NOT always want to admit to being sexually abused as children and are even less likely to report sexual harassment.

One thing I can suggest is to do the light hand brushing when ever you are close to him, putting you hand in the small of his back and rub it for a few seconds from time to time, Cater to him during the day.. Not saying to be his slave but just take care of him. Women often think that it makes them feel like a slave to their man but in reality it can simply be a form of foreplay in some aspects.

Give him some excuse that your back 'hurts' can he rub it.. Making it obvious that it feels good..ect.. Getting the ball rolling, than after a few minutes lay your head in his lap and just lay there curled up looking up at him not saying a word ... Unless he is asking you something.

The idea is to get him 'in the game' with you. I know for me this often works. Also try erotic but not bluntly obvious things like eating something in a way that suggests your thinking of something sexual. Just do not over do it.

Try taking a shower with the door wide open and make sure he knows that your doing that. Leave him a subtle invitation by rubbing his leg, back, anything, telling him you love him than walk into the bathroom get undressed get in the shower and than maybe intentionally forget a towel and ask him to get you one .. as soon as you step in the shower and get wet.. Than tell him there is room for him in there. Ask him to wash your back..ect.

If he does join you soap him up avoiding his 'manhood' but only by millimeters making sure you wash everywhere but there. It's the old thing that we will always want what we do not currently have. By avoiding this area but by making yourself completely available at the same time he may come back on to you.

The other thing I would question after all this fails.. Like the other poster stated... He COULD be gay... If that is the case none of this will probably work.

I invite a few other couple over where you think the guy is not.. As well as the woman. And see which one he pays most attention to with his eyes without making it obvious your watching for this. Not a real scientific way of doing it but it might give you an idea. Also be 'distracted' while doing all this. Maybe girl talk with the other girl while not looking directly in his direction but in a position where you can roll your eyes to the side to look to see which way he is looking.

There is a lot of people who do not come out of the closet for years and years and pretend to be strait by being in a relationship with someone as a way to play the strait card. I have heard of guys being married 20 to 30 years have kids with the woman than all of a sudden they decide to come out of the closet with the fact that they are gay!

I personally would not turn down my woman's advances UNLESS I am exhausted and about to fall asleep.. Unfortunately with my job that is more than I like. Or I do not feel good, or my teenagers are causing a distraction and we can't get away.
 
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Robert48506 replied to onesmartperson's response:
As a guy myself I would have to agree with this post. Unless she is way over weight (250 pounds) or she smells like she hasn't had a shower in days I'm stumped. I would love to have my wife more like this. Unfortunately my wife has a ton of medical issues stemming from a really serious car wreck and it causes problems for her that roll into every aspect of our day as well as night, not to mention all the pain medications she is on.

We also have the issue of all my kids living at home still, one moved back In recently and is in college while my wife watches my grandson.
 
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StacyVaughn replied to Robert48506's response:
Thanks for all the good advice. I really don't think homosexuality is the issue. We have sex all the time, and its great, but he has to be the one to initiate. I'm 20 and he's 32. He has mentioned maybe having a testosterone drop, cause I complain about the lack of foreplay, but I'd think if that was such an issue, he wouldn't be initiating sex with me at least every other day.
 
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An_248965 responded:
I wish my wife would initiate like you do. She NEVER does and never has.

Part of your bf's problem may be that, in my opinion, boys are raised to be complete wimps these days. From sitting to pee, to being too shy(?) to use the urinal but going into a stall instead. Boys are taught never to be aggressive, that it's unacceptable. Schools ban even imaginary play weapons of any kind. It's OK to reach toward another child when playing tag but never touch them. Not allowed. There is a school district near me that called a child's parents in because he was on the playground using his finger and thumb to simulate a gun. He was pointing at his own chest. They said this 5 1/2 year old needed help because he was suicidal. The child had no idea what that was. He said he pointed his "gun" at himself because pointing at others is not allowed.
Maybe he's just living as he was taught to.


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