Skip to content
My WebMD Sign In, Sign Up
my increased sex drive after hubby caught in emotional affair...
avatar
An_248998 posted:
We have been married for 15 yrs and my hubby ran into his "first love" a few weeks ago. They started messaging on facebook and long story short they were professing how much they still love each other and remembering all the sex they had 20 yrs ago. I only found out because I thought his behaviour seemed "off" and I checked his fb messages. He knew what he was doing was wrong, because he started deleting messages. I was crushed and decided to wait and watch and see if he did the right thing and ended it on his own. Well, she sent him a topless picture and that was the end of me waiting. I woke him up at 3 am and told him he had to decide what he wanted. He chose to stay with me, but I did not give him an ultimatum to stop messaging her, because I wanted to be able to keep an eye on them. I did install a keylogger on the laptop he uses so if he tries to delete messages again, I will still see them. He has stopped deleting messages, and told her over the phone that they had to stop. I felt that he did not understand why I was so hurt so I printed up all the messages that he had deleted, I copied and pasted them all into a word program so he could not deny anything later, and he read them and was shocked by what he had done.

Anyhow, my sex drive has been in overdrive since this all happened. Before this we were having big issues. I have chronic pain from fibromyalgia and so our sex life was virtually nill... but I cant keep my hands off him now. I am wondering if my behaviour is just me trying to keep him from looking to her, and if it is a bad way to deal with this problem. I am still upset about this and am checking his fb messages and email all the time while he is at work since I dont have a keylogger there. I am very anxious that he is going to start with the unrequited love stuff with her. I was never a jealous person... ever. But he has me looking over his shoulder and wanting to spy on him. I'm am scared that he will choose her and over me. I dont know a better way to deal with the feelings of insecurity that I have.

I think I know that having more relations with him wont fix the problems, but I dont know how else to deal with this. Reallly I dont know if this makes any sense to anyone reading it... I would talk to a friend, but my best friend moved hundreds of miles away and is busy so I cant get her on the phone. And all of my family has passed away, so the only family I have are my inlaws... I cant talk to them for sure. I have talked with hubby, but I feel like I am just complaining. Thats why I had him read everything... that got my position through to him. Any ideas on how I can better deal with the pain and diminish my jealousy. I dont want to tell him not to be friends with this woman, because I dont want to push them together and I want to trust him eventually. I have to be able to check on him and be sure he is not doing this again until I trust him. Any idea how long my distrust will last?
Reply
 
avatar
georgiagail responded:
You fear that you came close to losing your husband and the idea that someone else has wanted him makes him more enticing to you.

Your husband broke his vows of fidelity to you, at least emotionally. And from your description, it does appear that this would have, eventually, led to a physical encounter. Your husband has quite a bit of "boot licking" to do to prove that he is worthy of your trust in him. It is up to him to show this, even if it involves much groveling on his part. Until you feel confident about that the affair is over, you will continue to feel jealous and not be able to trust him.

Of course he can't be friends with this woman. She is the one who crossed the line by sending that topless picture to him. THere is no need for these two to be friends with each other.

Gail
 
avatar
dfromspencer responded:
Hi

I have to agree with GeorgiaGail. HE is the one who has to prove himself to you. He is the one who has to re-build your trust in him. Not you. YOU did nothing wrong.

As for the more sex part? If it feels good, you should! But, you have fibro, so, if it hurts you, slack off. And, NO, your husband cannot have this other woman as a friend.

How long your distrust lasts, is up to you. Your husband has to do the work there, but its up to you how long that takes. He didn't actually cheat on you, so hopefully, it won't be long.

I am so sorry you have no one in your own family, or a close friend to talk to! But hey, now you have us here. Please feel free to come here often, to talk, vent, stress out, help out, whatever. At least come back, and tell us how things are going, PLEASE? We really would like to know. And if we can help further, let us know. Thank you for comming here, we look foreward to seeing you soon.

Dennis
 
avatar
hairyd responded:
Too many people are willing to end a marriage. I have been in his shoes.
Your marriage had taken its toll on both of you. For a minute wonder what you had done to him. . Realized that you hadn't looked at this man carefully for a long time. Realized you both are not young any more. Your marriage had taken its toll on him (and you). For a minute wondered what I had done to him. You felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given 15 years of her life to him. YOU realized that your sense of intimacy was growing again. You both have buried so much pain and bitterness in your hearts Remember your Wedding Day. The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.
So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Have a real happy marriage! If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. "665

Do not select your husband's friends. Nor worry about what happens at work. That is ONLY his actions. Your are his Best Friend, Wife, and LOVER. Until death you do part!!!!!!
Always remember your penis is unique, just like every man.
 
avatar
lpete301 responded:
I thought I'd give you all an update and thank you for helping. My husband has stopped deleting messages. He is still messaging her, but she is now telling him that she is sleeping with her male roommate...

My husband and I talked and we came to the conclusion that some illegal drugs are probably involved. He completely understands what he did that caused the problems. He has taken full responsibility. I am watching his messages between them and we have been discussing the conversations. My husband is best friends with her brother and is very concerned about the possibility of drug use. I told him that if he is that concerned that he could chat with her, but if any thing comes up that he would have to tell her brother and let him deal with it. He has figured out that the messaging between them was her being drunk or high or both and he and I read through everything and it turns out that she instigated it and would escalate the messages and draw him in. He knows that they are not truly friends, and that she is just looking for attention. I understand why he did this, and I am watching this very carefully.

But the feeling in the house is completely different than it was just a few days ago. I feel that I am on the mend, and he knows I am watching everything he does. Things are so much lighter and we are talking openly.

I am paying much closer attention to my husband and his needs and even my needs too. Stress is less, a little more "exercise" with him is always nice, and for now my pain is less. Of course the weather changed tonight and now I am awake and hurting, but I know it is not this problem causing it.

I think we are on the mend, and am happy to say that for once he understands.

Thank you everyone, Linda
 
avatar
dfromspencer replied to lpete301's response:
Hi, Linda

Thank you sooo much for comming back, and letting us know how things are! I am also hoping, that this is not the last we will see of you? Keep comming here, or the fibro board, or even the chronic pain board. We would love to hear from you, on all of them!

I am so happy for you! You and your husband are talking, that is the main thing in a relationship, communication. You are feeling better, except for the fibro. I'm sorry. At least your marriage is stronger now. Be careful with watching your husband too closely. He may soon start to resent it? I could not stand to be hovered over, watched like a hawk. My every move being disected. No, just be careful with that. We all need some space.

Thank you, again. I am so happy for you! Keep in touch.

Dennis


Helpful Tips

Signs and symptoms of compulsive sexual behavior
Having multiple sexual partners or extramarital affairs. Read more.... ... More
Was this Helpful?
1 of 3 found this helpful

Related News

There was an error with this newsfeed

Related Drug Reviews

  • Drug Name User Reviews

Report Problems With Your Medications to the FDA

FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.

For more information, visit Dr. Becker-Phelps' website