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Why does my spouse lie to me?
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lilraspberries posted:
I don't get my husband keeps lying to me. Not about anything that really needs lying about he tells me to leave him alone on the internet which makes it hard to feel like I can trust him. Then he socializes on social networks but doesn't want me included on his friends. Which fine if he wants to be a jerk go ahead. But the other week I accidently go on his facebook cause he didn't sign out, I let him know this cause I didn't want him thinking I was fishing for info. I didn't even stay on there just left the site completely didn't even look at his stuff. When I told him so he'd know I didn't do it on purpose he said I don't have anything on there but family.

This hurt me cause he's had this profile for awhile and hasn't even bothered with me. Just like we used be friends on myspace I would send him things and he would just ignore me. Well this hurt me and I checked is friends list there was a maybe 4 family if you count his ex wife's neices. But it's stupid nothing to lie about. Anyways when I found on his football fan site his been blogging lies about me just to trying to win a t.v. when I confronted him he says he didn't. But there in black and white that his wife and daughters over rule him on football sunday and he's been banished to his room all season long. Making his football sunday's a nightmare. This does make me sound like the b word. And none of it is true he could just have lyed about something else instead doing this to me.

I am trying to trust him again after a big fight over another site which condones flirting with everyone and I thought he spending to much time with this particluer girl. But his lies are making it hard. I just don't know what to do I try to tell him how I feel and he makes me the bad guy. I'm almost ready to give up on him completely. I already gave up all my social sites just to try to keep my sanity and not worry but it only helps a little. I love him and don't really want to leave but I'm tired of the lies it almost makes me feel like there's more going on. I guess I just want someone to here my side.
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cjh1203 responded:
I'm not sure his motives for not wanting contact with you online are suspicious. He may think that since you are married and live together, it's not necessary for your to interact online. You get to talk to each other face-to-face, so he might rather talk to other people online that he doesn't see all the time. He may lie about it because he doesn't want to start an argument.

If he's on sites where he flirts with people, though, that's another story and he absolutely should not be doing that. He's a married man and that shows a total lack of respect for you and your relationship.

Other people might disagree, but if he's making up stories about how hard it is to watch football in order to win a TV, I don't see that as a big deal. He probably couldn't win it unless he had a hard-luck story, and if the people on the blog don't know you in person, I don't know that it makes a lot of difference.

People usually lie because they're afraid of the reaction they're going to get if they tell the truth. It might be worth thinking about whether you're letting some things become bigger than the need to be. I'm not saying you are, because I obviously don't know anything about your relationship except what you've written.

Before you give up on your husband, have you thought about marriage counseling? Your biggest problem may just be communication but, whatever it is, a marriage counselor can be a big help in your relationship.
 
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Shimoko responded:
The whole thing about social networking sites seems strange to me. Why does it seem that every woman I know who is in a relationship always either deletes or never goes on her social network site? Almost every female person in my family is all ?oh, I don?t know how to do computers so only my husband has a facebook account.? I just wonder why that is. I like seeing what people are up to and update my status, even if I?m not going to do much on the site other than take a quiz or two and say hi and update my status. I like how people can upload events and pictures to share, and I think it?s just awesome (especially since I can put pictures of my daughter up for family only to see and my parents can look at them because we live 3 hours away-double plus because I don?t have to talk to my mom but she can still see her grandchild)

Anyway, I think that the big problem is that many people (and it seems like women do this more than men) end up getting into a relationship and then they give up all of their hobbies and personal interests simply because they get swept up in this romantic ideal about a relationship being so exclusive that ?you don?t need anyone else.?

Sure, your husband is lying, but apparently, you are so caught up in playing policeman that every single thing seems huge.

Of course, the flirt site is definitely suspicious, but how recently has he used it? I remember signing up on OK Cupid to take a quiz, but never really wanted to find anything more than that. It turned out to be completely innocuous, but of course, I am the sort of person who is pretty open with my partner, so he knew about it.

I think that there is definitely communication problems, and the bottom line is that you don?t trust him one iota, so even if he hasn?t actually done anything wrong, you are still looking for it and taking every opportunity to hold it against him and add it to the list of ?why DH is bad and wrong.? So basically, you?re kind of looking for fights and using opportunities to use it as a dig against him.

Most of us lie about stupid stuff. But of course, when we lie, it?s called ?embellishing? or ?exaggerating? or even ?sweetening the truth.?

You should pay less attention to the list of wrongs that you seem hell-bent on creating to hold against your husband and pay more attention to how he generally treats you in your relationship.

It sounds like he probably doesn?t want you hanging out with his friends or being part of his ?guy? activities because he knows you?ll start snooping around and look for every little detail that he possibly could have done or said anything wrong in the slightest bit. He probably also doesn?t want to lose his friends because your idea of personal space is cementing yourself ?4evah? to your spouse.

I might be totally off on this, but the truth of the matter is that you should pay less attention to every little nitpicky detail of your husband?s life and start developing your own life and activities that you have interest in instead.

Perhaps your husband is venting about how he perceives your behavior as controlling even if you do not see it the same way. I agree that marriage counseling (or at least someone who can help improve your communication skills with one another), would probably work fairly well.

Don?t let this fester in your head and blow everything out of proportion. Unless you have proof that your husband is actually cheating on you, don?t take one little thing and then embellish it in your head until you can?t take it anymore and explode at him and then he just writes you off as a crazy woman.

If you constantly have to know every little detail about his life, then he is likely lying because he is tired of having to have his life under a microscope every second of the day.

I could be totally wrong here, but I?m getting the ?neurotic controlling woman? vibe from the OP.
 
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lilraspberries responded:
Thanks for clearing that up for me you sound like my husband. But we have been married for six years and I have always been a mouse never bothering with anything that hurt my feeling or me when it comes to him. He had it good until he spent three months after I had our last baby on the Internet with that girl. He came straight home got on the Internet with that girl until he went to bed at night. That was appearntly just cause I gained 40lbs and didn't loose it right away. On top of that I gave up all my male friends because he would hound all the time how they just wanted in my pants. Even the video store guy when I asked for a recommendation on a good movie, he too just wanted in my pants got the lecture for a half hour then for a week he called him my boy friend.

But I'm glad to know someone out there agrees with my husband you just made his day. Any ways I didn't look at his way before this. Apaerantly it's cause I'm controlling not because I was feeling rejected, humiliated, and anger that he just didn't care. Thanks again.
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
Shimoko, I am sorry but I think you are way off on this. the man has GIVEN her reason to be suspicious and upset about the couse of their marriage. He's on the internet talking to some woman from the time he comes home until the time he goes to bed. Is that NORMAL? Absolutely not!!! And she shouldn't HAVE to put up with that kind of behavior. He's married, he's committed to her, and what he's doing is wrong. Very wrong.

The problem isn't their lack of communication, the problem is that he is LYING and having an internet affair.

Neurotic Controlling Woman? Come on. Some people aren't ok with their partners doing the things he is doing. And refusing to include her on his "friends" list? That's not cool. It means he's hiding something. She has every right to be angry at him. He's given her plenty of reason to not trust him, IMO.

If you're cool with your partner having an internet girlfriend, then hey--more power to you. But just because the OP is NOT ok with her husband behaving that way, it doesn't mean she has "issues". The biggest issue she has is a husband who can't seem to tell her the truth and who wants to live his own life.

Unless you have proof that your husband is actually cheating on you, don?t take one little thing and then embellish it in your head until you can?t take it anymore and explode at him and then he just writes you off as a crazy woman.

Um..excuse me? You don't think him abandoning his family every evening to chat with a particular woman online is a Big Thing?

This flabbergasts me.

lilraspberries....

Your husband is absolutely in the wrong, and I can understand exactly why you don't believe a thing he says, it seems he has plenty he's trying to hide and be sneaky about.

You need to confront him, straight up, tell him what you expect from him (I'd imagine "dumping" his internet girlfriend would be on the top of that list) and then hold him to it. Don't let him run over you. He's married, and NO, he doesn't have the right to just do whatever he feels like doing at any given time despite what he thinks. He's still an individual person but the decisions he makes and the things he does directly affects someone else in his life...YOU.
 
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FCL responded:
In Shimoko's defence, she didn't have the info about coming home every night to spend all his time with the same woman every evening. All she knew at the time of writing was that in the OPs opinion, he was spending to much time with the same woman. "Too much time", depending on the person can be 5 minutes or all day every day ...

I believe Shimoko's point was (please correct me Shimoko, if I'm wrong) was that there much of what he was doing could have been perfectly innocent and harmless... given the information that was given in the first post. The OP's second post clarified a lot of things.

Shimoko's post made some interesting points (I am not talking about this thread here - this is a general remark) about how everything has two sides and that we shouldn't always jump to the worst conclusion every time without having more information.
 
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stephs_3_kidz responded:
That is true. The information about the girl on the computer came later.

I still thought that neurotic and controlling was harsh, even given the info from the first post. JMO
 
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Shimoko responded:
I was just commenting on the OP?s commentary to the effect that she ?deleted her facebook/social networking site accounts? and expected her husband to do the same.

Also, I don?t know of any man who appreciates having his wife tag along during ?a night out with the guys.?

From her initial post, I noticed a lot of blaming language telling me that she?s been sitting in the ?blame? corner for a LONG time and has let all these little things build up and not said anything about them (or possibly been passive-aggressive in response), and now it?s a huge thing that is sitting in her heart and making her hate and resent her husband to an incredible degree.

I am not saying that he is somehow justified in his behavior if he is going above and beyond platonic behavior with other women (but seriously, how can she know that he has an ?internet girlfriend? if he supposedly ALSO keeps everything from her?)

It?s easy to think that someone is the ?bad guy? if you?ve kept all this stuff pent up inside of you.

I know this because I do it too. And there are times when I just have to stop and think to myself, ?you know Shimoko, this is not DH?s problem or fault. It?s YOU putting it on his head and making it about him when it is really about yourself.?

Obviously if there is blatant proof that he is doing wrong things, then of course you should call him out on it directly.

But the answer isn?t to become his ?ball and chain? and make sure he?s up to ?good behavior? because you can?t trust him.

He should be keeping himself in check, and if he can?t do that, then you both need to figure out WHY that is and what to do about it as a team.

This is NOT the time to be playing ?mommy? to your husband. He is a big boy and can take care of himself. It should not be your job to be the ?fidelity police? in your relationship.

This is why I suggest couple?s counseling, because it looks like there is a lot of stuff that is being left unsaid here, and a lot of what the OP is talking about appears to be old wound resentment that she has never brought up that has festered and built up to a climax with his current behavior.

It reminds me of the time where my mom found out that my dad had clicked on a spam link and it went to a porn site which he promptly closed (I was in the room) only to find out later that she had ?broken? the computer (by deleting all the system files) because she was freaking out that my dad was ?looking at porn.? I usually check histories in the browser, and all I can tell you was that my dad had clicked the one link, closed it out and there were no other browser openings other than his email in the history.

But I?m sure that my mom has a lot of stuff built up against my dad because she?s always holding stuff inside. She?s psychotic and a bully, but she never lets people know when they actually hurt her until she gets to the exploding point.

So we had no computer, and all because of some stupid spam email.

All I?m saying is that this sort of behavior is very common with women in committed relationships if they are also fairly submissive and passive-aggressive types of people.
 
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applelover74 replied to lilraspberries's response:
I think you're on to something,my wife does the samething.She has 2 facebook accounts and I'm always finding alias names for her,spelling her name in several different ways.She has lied to me for all of the 29 years we have been married,when she started with the lies I didn't catch on right away but after she stole $25,000 from her employer it became clear she was hiding something.Don't let him know that you're watching him because he will become better at hiding the truth.Remember this one very true fact,when someone lies to you the story will change everytime you ask him about any event you might think is suspicious,when someone is telling the truth the story NEVER changes because it's the TRUTH.When my wife lied to me the story was always different never the same.After digging I found the truth and it wasn't even close to what she was telling me.Remember....the truth NEVER CHANGES


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