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Disgusted by real sex -- but not porn?
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PlainJaneGirl posted:
I will try and keep things short and sweet. I am a woman, 31, virgin, shy. I live alone and have depression/anxiety issues/isolation problems. I have never been on a single date although I have asked two men out years ago and both said no, unfortunately. I am no longer looking to try & get dates because of my 'sex issues.' My problem is I am disgusted by the thought of having sex. I have read up on it and am very knowledgeable about positions, likes, dislikes of men and women sexually. But just reading some of the descriptions of sex acts makes me nauseated, angry and disgusted. I am not sure why anyone would want to do these things to each other short of procreation and why it's necessary to have a person doing these things to you & vice versa. It is all very perplexing. The thing is, I LOVE porn, I like to watch it and masturbate to it but just cannot stand the thought of doing it myself. I don't belelive it has anything to do with "haven't found the right person yet," right person or wrong, I do not want to do sex personally. So there's no reason to look for dates right? Obviously men aren't interested in women who don't want sex....I just want to know what is causing these thoughts/feelings? Any ideas? Isn't it weird I can watch it but not want to participate in it? I don't know anyone else that is like me and I feel like an alien Thank you.

**I was not raised in a religious home and was not sexually abused as far as I know. I am attracted to men sexually, not women and do not like any kind of gay porn, only straight.
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longduckdong46 responded:
I believe that if you can some way overcome those depression/ anxiety issues you may find the thought of having sex with a male partner enjoyable ?
You have experienced masturbation and the joy that comes with it so having a willing partner I believe would make things even better.
Do you see a mental health professional for the depression / anxiety ? Perhaps they would give you some direction in this area ?

Best of luck PlainJaneGirl !
 
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PlainJaneGirl replied to longduckdong46's response:
Hi. thanks for responding. i go to therapy once a week and on medication, wellbutrin. I do not talk about sex with the therapist a. it's really not relevant, seeing as I don't have it and b. she knows i am a virgin so probably why she doesn't bring it up. It's also very embarrassing, I mean my situation and all. maybe you are right, I dunno. I don't like the idea of the male partner touching me all over sexually. seems very invasive and uncomfortable.
 
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longduckdong46 replied to PlainJaneGirl's response:
I believe you may be assuming that your therapist is not bringing up the issue because she knows that you are a virgin. I can understand the embarrasment part of it but on the other hand your therapist is paying paid to help you through your issues, and furthermore I would bet dollars to doughnuts that the therapist has dealt with issues like this.
I don't believe that any topic is off the table if you are willing to discuss it openly with him or her.
Hey on the other hand if you are fine with abstaining from sex and don't have the desires to be touched by a man, more power to you. There are advantages to that as well. No shame in that approach.
 
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longduckdong46 replied to longduckdong46's response:
sorry for the typo ( being paid ) not ( paying paid )
 
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BalconyBelle responded:
PlainJaneGirl, you might be a voyeur. If you gain sexual satisfaction from watching others in the act, but have no desire to participate or be touched yourself...chances are you've simply developed a fetish where that visual stimulation is all you want/need. Provided you stick with porn and/or willing participants (there are people who enjoy being watched every bit as much as you enjoy watching), it sounds like you'll have a very fulfilling sex life, even if you choose to give partnered sex a pass.
http://erynlockhart.wordpress.com
 
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michelleashley77 responded:
I have very similar feelings to you and have recently declared myself as asexual.. Or gray sexual. Whichever you feel best describes us. I had never heard of it for the longest time and now everything makes so much sense. Do a little research if your not very knowledgeable about it. I do not think this is weird and from my experiences with AVEN an online source for asexuals you will find another who doesn't want to engage in sex either. Good luck and you are not alone! xx
 
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PlainJaneGirl replied to michelleashley77's response:
Hi michelle,

thanks I have looked into aseuxal and sorry to say: if it is accurate and it's what I am, I don't want to be. I want to be normal like other women

Men do not want to even date a woman who is not into sex and stuff and I don't want kids -- so what is the point of life? Very depressing.
 
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PlainJaneGirl replied to longduckdong46's response:
She does know I'm a virgin because in the beginning she asked me if I had a S.O. and I told her I never dated but that was it. Very embarrassing. She's young and not really seasoned. I don't know if I have any 'desires' to be touched by men, sometimes yes sometime not at all. I am just confused. ty
 
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PlainJaneGirl replied to BalconyBelle's response:
I agree with you about this, voyeur sounds accurate (except I am not into watching people's sex that are unaware, like spying).

don't you think something is wrong with a person (especially a woman) who is like this? it's certainly not normal, I looked it up and its something that is supposed to have treatments and stuff. I just wanted to experience dates very slowly (without expectation of sex) but at my age, I am too far behind.
 
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BalconyBelle replied to PlainJaneGirl's response:
I don't think there's anything wrong with you--you may not fit the middle of the road definition of 'normal' when it comes to what you need for satisfaction, but it doesn't mean there's something wrong--just something different.

Everyone is unique, and the 'treatments and stuff' are for people who are looking to change their needs--either because they've begun expressing it in ways that are unhealthy, want to broaden their interests, or changing their sexual habits fits in with a grander scheme for changing their lifestyle. You are not 'supposed to' have to do them if you are content with the way you are, and are not harming yourself or others, and there's no reason for why you should force yourself to do something you're not interested in.

I think your best option would be honesty with any potential dates about where your interest lies--alternative sexuality may make it a bit more challenging to find a match, but there truly are people out there who enjoy watching every bit as much as you do, as well as those who enjoy being watched. I wish you the best of luck, and please stay true to yourself. It sounds like you have a fairly good idea of what you want, as well as what you don't--don't lose sight of that, or you'll only wind up hurting yourself and your partner if you settle for less than what you need to be happy.
http://erynlockhart.wordpress.com
 
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PlainJaneGirl replied to BalconyBelle's response:
Belle, The problem is sometimes I am interested...then I'm not. One time I met a nice man and we talked in store, I thought maybe he was showing interest and soon as a I that 'feeling' I want nothing to do with him. I don't know what causes this, sigh. I know you said it's not 'wrong' or 'abnormal' but it is really. Mostly other women want more to do with the guy not the opposite direction. I don't have any potential dates that you speak of it's likely I won't either but I understand what you're saying. I'm not trying to sound suicidal or anything just generally speaking I will be glad when my time comes. There's nothing at all here for me and I don't fit in anywhere. thanks for your help.
 
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BalconyBelle replied to PlainJaneGirl's response:
I apologize...it appears I misunderstood some of your earlier posts. It looks as though instead of just finding the idea of physical intimacy with another human being repellent, you also might also have a mental block about allowing emotional intimacy as well--and you WANT to change that.

I still believe there is nothing wrong with you--and please stop comparing yourself to 'most other women'. You're you, and accepting yourself for who you are will help you with deciding who you want to be. You're unique, you're special, and you're capable of feeling and needing love just like anyone else...it just may take a slightly different form or approach than what you see as 'normal'. I'd recommend letting your therapist know about the thoughts you've been having, as well as your desire to change--especially when it comes to emotional intimacy/ the desire to let someone into your life and get to know them/care about them in a way that doesn't have to be physically sexual.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck

PS: If it helps...I used to feel very much like you. My issues basically centered on a lack of trust--once I found someone I believed was worthy of it, the rest took care of itself.
http://erynlockhart.wordpress.com
 
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PlainJaneGirl replied to BalconyBelle's response:
Well I feel it's a waste of time overall, majority of men want nothing to do with a woman that won't have sex with them. The only ones are really old men and I am almost 33. My therapist is attractive and married to an attractive man. She doesn't understand my issues at all, cannot relate far as I'm concerned. I can tell she has never had any sexual problems like this. The only thing I can do is be glad when my time comes to leave this earth, I hate it here since there's nothing for me.
 
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stevesmw replied to PlainJaneGirl's response:
Hang in there. I have a lot of similarities in my life so I can relate. I didn't start dating until I was over 30. The first 28 years of my life I lived around other people. Living alone will make you very lonely and unhappy. I had very little dating experience because I understood how complicated relationships are and I felt I wasn't ready to get involved with anyone while I was I college and when I was in the Military. At age 28, I started my career and my life on my own. Most women I met who I was interested in, weren't interested in me.

I started dating a friend of my sister. The dating was more of a PG rated teen kind. We went to movies, went out to dinner and spent a lot of time kissing and hugging. This went on for months, Even though I had extensive sexual experience, I am not sexually agressive and will not grope or fondle. I was satisfied with spending some time being affectionate without any promise of sexual activity. Eventually the woman couldn't stand it anymore and asked me to bed. Things didn't go well and that was the end of the relationship. There is a man out there who is looking for some affection, even if it doesn't lead to sex.

Porn is gross and it is not very much like real lovemaking. Hollywood is almost as bad. Find someone who likes you and you like where he will be patient and let you set the pace. Someone you can feel safe with.


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