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loving a married man
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An_249638 posted:
Hey, I need some advice from nice people who are on the outside looking in. I was in a crappy relationship with a man that lasted about 5 or 6 years. I will call him Tommy. He talked me into getting online on a dating site, making a couples profile with him, so we could meet swingers and have what they call play dates. We both had agreed that we weren't totally satisfied with each other and wanted to start an open relationship where he had someone on the side and so did I. After about 3 weeks of chatting with couples and a few singles too we met a couple who lived about 50 miles away and had been swinging for about 13 years. I will call them Joe and Darla. They were so nice to us. They had a rule and it was they only spent time with people separately. SOme couples stay in the same room and some don't. They didn't. When Darla and Tommy left I got to know Joe a lot better. He and I had already talked on the phone a lot before we met in person and had exchanged lots of emails, nothing racy just telling each other about our lives, relationships, values, past etc. We did not do anything sexual but Tommy and Darla did. That was three years ago in May and Joe and I are still seeing each other, hope to get married one day, and are very happy when we are together. He has been an angel in my life. He is always there for me when I need him. He has done so much for me that it would take me a year to tell you half of it. Darla knew and knows now about us and does not care an ounce. I have emailed with her, talked on the phone a few times, can call when I like, we chat online doesn't matter if she is home or not. It's not a typical affair where it is so secretive and people are afraid of being caught. About two years into this relationship I started really wanting him to leave Darla and move in with me so we could be togehter and he could get his divorce. Their only child is grown with two kids and lives 7 hours away so theyre no small children in this on either side. He told me that he needed to help his wife finish paying off some of the bills they made together so he didn't leave her stuck. I agreed with that totally cause I don't want to ruin anyones life or make it hard on her just cause I wanna be with him. The man is amazing with the biggest heart and a conscience which I am not used to seeing in a man I am with. After that I started to become very selfish of him, started to become very lonely and wanted him with me and only me wanted him to leave her right away no matter what despite the agreement we made together. He was so afraid I would leave him forever that he left her, got a house, called me and said check your email. I did and it had pictures of our home and said how much he needed me and loved me etc. I quit my job and moved in with him. We lived together for about 3 months but I could not find a job there. So we lost our home we were renting and where I have no family I had to move back where I was living before with my ex boyfriends parents. He had no where else to go either so Darla let him move back in with her to help with the bills they made. We have sat down and figured out their bills, how much is owed, when they will be possibly paid off, and what we can do to save in the mean time. We started a savings account together which we both put money into. After we got together he closed the profile he and Darla had together online, deleted their joint email, created a new email that I have access to anytime I wanna see it, and isn't seeing anyone but me. Darla still goes out with other men a lot. They sleep in separate rooms and argue a lot over stupid stuff like money, her family being mean to him cause he left her, her being a hoarder which she really is. She has been a hoader for many years. Im confident this man wants a life with me but thought it wouldnt hurt to get some opinions on what others think about it.
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georgiagail responded:
You and Joe appear to have forgotten that little issue of getting a divorce from Darla through all of this.
 
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Babyboo82 replied to georgiagail's response:
Okkk...I really don't understand how you figure that. She knows everything that is going on, is not at all happy with him and wants the divorce as well. The only reason they are living in the same house is cause they made a huge amount of debt together and instead of him walking out on her and just saying oh well he is actually trying to help her get it all paid off. So if you could kinda tell me more of what you think I would be greatful . Happy Holidays
 
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elle0317 replied to Babyboo82's response:
Married men always find excuses to not leave their wife for their mistress. When divorced all assets and debts are divided, so them staying together for the debts is a moot excuse. If he really wanted to be with you, he would be with you. Why not find a man who is not married? Don't you feel that you deserve better?
 
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Babyboo82 replied to elle0317's response:
HIs pay day is already being garnished now for a credit card from where he had to fix his sons car back after the wreck. When he and I moved in together i handled all the money bills etc so i know what he makes vs the cost of living for us. He doesn't make that much to start with. He's tried his best to get a better job but this is the worst small town ever. So his age, the number of people trying to find jobs who are unemployed now and the fact that people there keep hiring younger employees doesn't help at all. The reason we moved out of our home when we moved in together was we couldn't pay the bills and I could not find a job. So I do kinda understand why he is staying, helping me with a joint account to save up money, he puts money in and never takes it out. I keep up with what we have and all that. Ever since they decided to put a pharmacy school and law school in the county the rent has doubled due to greed of people wanting the rich kinds parents money who are coming here from all over to attend those schools. People have complained since it started over that cause families are leaving here to find work and decent rent. They couldnt have put those schools in a worse place. All they had there were disabled coal miners and construstion workers, wives who are forced to work when their husbands get hurt or retired from the mine, or teens working to help support familes. so it's not as easy as it would be maybe some place else to move out or find work and to make it. The town is so small that when the wal mart came the local newspaper had a count each week that showed how many days it was til it opened. Seriously they are lucky to have a senior class of 35 kids graduate from the high school each year. The county he lives in is where i grew up so I know all about it. The one I live in is a little bigger but not by much. It's just as bad where I am as where he is. That is why I am more understaning with him about it. That and I have actually helped to fill out job applications on us both, plus went for support to interviews with him, etc.
 
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georgiagail replied to Babyboo82's response:
Frankly, this sounds like a relationship doomed to wither on the vine, from proverty if nothing else.

The term "love conquers all" sounds very noble until you're sitting across from each other eating a dinner that consists of canned cat food on saltine crackers.

Do a bit of research. One of the top reasons for discord amongst a couple (and a sure relationship breaker) are money issues.

Gail
 
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Babyboo82 replied to georgiagail's response:
So once his garnishment is done, I have a job, and his debts are paid....we shouldnt be together then? Love is unconditional, and not based on what money I believe we will or wont have someday. Im not rushing anything I am going to make sure all I can that we are stable money wise before we try to move back in together. Either way I have to get my own place cause the friends im living with are my ex boyfriends parents. Theyre like family to me but I want a place of my own. Even if we dont get married or ever move in together I stil dont see why i cant date him or be with him as long as the divorce is final
 
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georgiagail replied to Babyboo82's response:
"So once his garnishment is done, I have a job and his debts are paid..."

Enjoy your life together in the nursing home.

Gail
 
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elle0317 replied to Babyboo82's response:
I reiterate: Married men always find excuses to stay with their wife. Once the debt is paid off, I suspect 'something' will come up and he still won't be 'able' to leave her. As long as you conitue to 'see' him while he's with her, he has no reason to leave! He gets the best of both worlds while you wait, wait and wait some more until you wake up and realize that he not leaving her! How many years are you willing to waste?? Yes, love is unconditional, when it is in fact 'love'. Love doesn't move back with his wife, unless he's still in love with the wife!
 
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Babyboo82 replied to georgiagail's response:
Really? Two years from my age is only 33 hardly nursing home material.
 
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Babyboo82 replied to elle0317's response:
Where would you have suggested to him that he should go to when we lost our home? Now keep in mind Im only 31 well on Jan 7th anyway and both my parents are dead all grandparents and I am an only child. He has a mom in a nursing home no other family he could go to. The county I live in only has one homeless shelter and its only for battered woman and children. Same thing in the county he lives in too. I told you the places we live the majority of the people act like its so perfect that we dont have a homeless problem when in fact we actually do have one. He wanted to go to some of our friends and ask if we could both move in but I suggested he kust ask darla what she thinks about it so he and I spoke to her together. Everyone here is making it out to be like I don't know anything, making me feel like Im stupid, like you all are just putting me down. No one has asked any questions to get more info about it. When I first saw this site I saw all these really nice people and they were also talking about things like this, other things that aren't considered good, etc No one got this smart with them and it really bothers me that you and the other girl posting on this are. I put in the discussion NICE people. If I wanted thrown under a bus I would walk out in front of one.
 
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georgiagail replied to Babyboo82's response:
What, exactly, do you want us to tell you? Your dream fella is some older man who is married, has a history of swinging for almost a decade and a half, has a crummy job with wages that are being so garnished that the two of you have lost your love nest together after three months and he had to move back in with his wife so he could help her with the bills THEY had in an area of the country that sounds desperately in need of revitalization.

You, on the other hand, have had a history of a "crappy" (to use your description) relationship with some guy named Tommy to the point where the two of you decided swinging was a way to spice things up and now you're so broke and out of a job you've had to move in with HIS parents while you dream about this Joe.

Will things work out with Joe? Will he get out of debt, divorce the wife and the two of you be able to live together happily ever after? Will you find a job and the two of you actually be able to live in a place that isn't on wheels with a couple of hound dogs on the front porch? We wait breathlessly for the next segment.

Gail
 
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elle0317 replied to Babyboo82's response:
When you ask for an opinion, don't get upset when it's not the one you were hoping for. Were you expecting us to say he sounds like a real gem of a guy (with no home, no job, still married and living with his wife) so hang in there for another 3-4 years? Now THAT would be cruel, IMO. This relationship sounds like a sinking ship, I am trying to help you so that you don't spend the next 2,3,4 or more years chasing this guy just to still be single. Whether you want to heed the warnings is up to you, good luck.


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