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Urgent! Please Help! Married man needing advice!
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wonderingguy84 posted:

For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.[br>[br>Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis... The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time.


I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her.

Was I wrong by talking to so many female friends?

The wife and I have discussed it somewhat, over IM and such while I was at work. She basically told me that unless I would ever leave her for a guy, why make a big deal about it, or discuss it? Advice pleasE!
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fcl responded:
Yes, you were wrong, very wrong, to talk about this to other women and not mention it to your wife and ... it sounds like someone has already told her. Honestly, she has practically told you that you being bi wouldn't bother her so start by admitting it. You don't have to give her the full details of your fantasies, warts and all, straight away.

By the way, when she said she wouldn't worry unless you left her for a guy I would assume she meant cheat with a guy too. Even if she didn't, just take baby steps and work towards total honesty. And do it NOW before the story gets any further (and don't forget that stories that are repeated tend to get distorted in the telling so tell her the REAL story before the school crossing person asks her if it's her husband who is setting up drunken orgies in the park for pet owners ...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Isabella123 replied to fcl's response:
You should go see a psychologist / marriage consultant. Talk to the doctor about what you are wondering and then take your wife in with you next time so the doctor can help you approach the topic.

Did your wife emphasize "as long as you are not leaving me for a guy" or she was saying "as long as you are not gay"? That makes a difference. The first one means, as long as you are here for me even though you are thinking about man all the time, which makes her pathetic.


Go find a doctor / consultant. Most of the health insurance plans include the mental health plan as well. There is no shame to hide, you are not a criminal
 
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dfromspencer responded:
You really need to sit your wife down, and tell her everything! How can you go on pretending nothing is wrong? Something is very wrong. If you are having these thoughts, at all, then there is a problem. And, you need to get this matter resolved. So, sit her down, and talk to her, marriage is a fifty/fifty proposition, remember? Communication, is the key to enlightenment!!!

Good luck!

Dennis
 
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DolphinBaby1369 responded:
First off you were really wrong to talk to other women about this private conversation you need to talk to your wife . Being honest is very important in a relationship as well as communication and you don't have either right now with this topic .If she hears it from someone else it might not been the whole story and she might blow up because you didn't talk to her first she might even feel embarrassed because other people close to her know about something this personal and she didn't know . be careful
 
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DolphinBaby1369 replied to fcl's response:
I totally agree with you ! the game telephone will happen in a situation like this .
 
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DolphinBaby1369 replied to Isabella123's response:
Before counseling you need to try and talk to her if she is not willing to listen or it is hard then suggest a counselor to help the situation don't just spring on counseling on her this will make her distant from you .
 
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ManInTheKnow replied to dfromspencer's response:
A medical doctor told me in 1974 that there are some things men must never discuss with women. You have already broken that suggestion and now you need to come clean with yourself.

Since you often fantasize about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex, but have never had an actual experience with a man, and are extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex... You should definitely talk to another man about your inclinations. Talk to a gay man friend first, and if that does not help talk with your doctor or a member of the clergy. This is a coming out of sorts and you will be able to see yourself in a new light with the help of other men.


Regarding your wife, are you having enough sex with her? Are there things in bed she wants but you are not willing to give? And are there things you want but have not asked her to do with you? Make sure your love life at home is everything it can be for both of you. If this were the case perhaps you would not be looking elsewhere for satisfaction.


Be careful not to ruin your marriage, unless that is what you want to accomplish. Your wife is correct, don't talk to her about things that don't concern her... that is unless you want an "open" marriage.
 
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Anon_16867 responded:
yes u was wrong for telling those other women...or anyone else if u as k me....u r not the only one out there with bi thoughts ..so many men r bi now...reason why is the wife or gf dont do the sex thing like they used to do when they first met u....men will give u oral quicker than a woman without u having to wine and dine them..no movies or asking for rent money...they do it cause they like it ...i had that fwb and i never told my wife and no one ever found out..would u tell if u was having a thing with a woman..think about how she woud feel if she and her family found out she lost u too another man... trust me when i say that so many r doing it now...they say they know their wife would kill them if they found out but hey keep doing it anyway...i got a preacher that loves giving me oral ..he has been doing it about 10 years now and no one has ever found out ..he is married too...so good luck guy.....


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