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Love sex but often say no to my husband
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An_249847 posted:
We have been married for only 3 yrs but are having less and less sex. I am 28. I love my husband and sex but often say no to him when he asks. After a long day at work, I don't fell like it right away and tell him later. Then, we cook dinner, do other things and later I don't feel like it. During the evening, we watch shows we like, and talk. I mostly talk; my husband listen or not I am not sure: he is on is computer most of the time. During the evening, my husband touches and caresses me... but more it tries more I want to run away. My poor husband always tries but I end up saying no. I wonder if we don't have an emotional connection. I can't understand what is going on. We enjoyed several getaways where we had sex several times a day, but at home we have less and less sex. I am attracted to my husband but the sex doesn't follow at home. Sex is very important for both of us and I am afraid for our marriage.
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georgiagail responded:
I'll save you tons of money if the two of you went to a sex therapist to get this business back on track:

Couples often seem to think that sex needs to be "spontaneous" and not planned. As a result, all the other "responsibilities" we have in life get in the way and sometimes we never get around to intimacy until we're away with things like vacations or getaways.

Here is what you do.

1. Schedule a couple of times a week where you two WILL have intimacy.

2. Order take out for dinner

3. Turn off the TV

4. Turn off the computer

5. For heavens sake, stop talking about the days events

6. Get down to the business of intimacy those days. That should be your ONLY focus those evenings.

Gail
 
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t2s3fm responded:
In response to georgiagail, schedules make it feel awfully clinical to me, and if there are any lingering feelings of doubt towards intimacy, a scheduled sex day can actually backfire catastrophically. YMMV, of course, and it works really well for some couples!

OP, the best anecdote I've ever heard about men versus women in marriages is this: men need the physical to feel loved, women need love to want the physical. If you can keep the cycle going between you, you're a dynamo of both love and sexuality.

One tip I can give is to simply be affectionate with each other. When he is caressing you, he is trying to show you that affection. Touch him when you pass in the hallway, kiss him (a real one, not a peck) when one of you leaves the house. Hug him when his back is turned to you while he's working on something. If you do have any attraction for him, you must be the one act on it... if he's the one constantly trying to get your attention, it's a very one sided battle that you're both going to lose.

Another tip is to make your home itself inviting to intimacy. You don't have to go crazy with red velvet wallpaper or anything, but keeping a place clear and cozy to spend real face time with each other does wonders for keeping love between you.

If sex is truly important to you, then you must make it part of your life. You can't expect it to just happen, as georgiagail wisely said. Spontaneity tends to fall by the wayside in marriage, in exchange for comfort and solidarity. If I'm reading you right, the biggest part of the problem is that you're just not in the mood, which is extremely common and nothing to be ashamed of... but wouldn't you rather be IN the mood? So instead of closing your eyes and waiting for your brain to decide to want sex, get up, go flirt with your husband, and make it happen yourself!
 
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fcl responded:
Why not surprise him with a week of morning quickies? It's a great way to start your day!
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Anon_4048 replied to fcl's response:
I don't think it has to be an entire week - sounds like once a week morning quickie would fit into the schedule. Also, hopefully, the both of you take the occasional shower - that's a good place - with any luck you're both awake.
 
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rhondamay replied to georgiagail's response:
I strongly support Georgiagail's suggestion of scheduling sex nights or date nights or whatever you choose to call them. Our hectic lives get in the way and a little pre-planning assures us that we can take time for intimacy. The planning and anticipation enhance the evening with intimacy always at the end. We have been doing this for the past seven years and the "new" hasn't worn off yet.

It's also nice to have notice so you can shave your legs and take care of a little personal maintenance beforehand.

Rhonda
 
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hairyd replied to Anon_4048's response:
I Agree with FCL. Once a week makes one sex life WEAK. But give him hot buns and let him give you cream daily. Is what the doctor orders.
Always remember your penis is unique, just like every man.
 
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jrocker85 replied to hairyd's response:
too bad they don't have "like buttons" in these threads,,, well said.
 
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fcl replied to Anon_4048's response:
"I don't think it has to be an entire week - sounds like once a week morning quickie would fit into the schedule."

Seriously? You think you need to limit it before even trying it? Sex is supposed to be FUN so why ration it?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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bob249 responded:
"...I love my husband and sex but often say no..."


Sounds like you are punishing him.


Either he or you have a concern and you should find out what it is so it can be resolved.


If you were my wife I would ask you what I am doing that is upsetting.
Should you say nothing, then I would strongly indicate we need to see a counselor.


It won't go away or get better on its own.



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