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Communication
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An_249870 posted:
1) I am very sensitive to what my boyfriend says. Yesterday we had a conversation and I tried my hardest to not cry, and to just listen instead. He talks about anything and everything, no matter how vulnerable I am about the topic and just talks about it as if it's communication and nothing more. He was showing me pictures of a girl he met on a chat site years ago, she's states away, and showed me other pictures of girls that he thinks are attractive. He likes the big ass. I have a small ass, and small tits. I'm insecure all the time whenever I see a girl now, just wondering how much he would appreciate her more than me. He wants to work out, and then says that it would be awesome if I would workout too because then he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off of me, but then assures me right after that he still can't keep his hands off me now. I'm 5'5 and 105lbs. He says that if I reach 250lbs, he doesn't think he could be with me. &if it's really a big deal if i get a boob job later. But continues to assure me that he thinks i'm pretty. Not drop-dead gorgeous, but i'm cute and pretty and he likes that. We were in a hot tub with a bunch of girls and he said that he would not look at them to be considerate of me right by him, but then continues to say if I worked out, he would just feel great to not keep his eyes off of me. ...And then assures me that he loves me. I need to somehow change my thought process or think more highly of him, because how I feel now is insecure and vulnerable, and I hate it because I want to work things out with him because I believe that I don't have to give up and that love CAN be unconditional. and that it does NOT have to be based on physical aspects and sex. But I feel that he doesn't agree. I am 19, and he is 20. I need more assurance than the age lecture. It doesn't help my image either that he notifies me that his friend, who became my friend through him, admitted to him that she used to have a crush on him (we both started talking to him at the same time) and he said he had a crush on her as well. They are strictly just friends now and hang out alone and I allow him, because that's what I do. But it eats away at me..and yet he assures me that I am his first choice, he chose me.

Advice?
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longduckdong46 responded:
It sounds to me that he is just tooting his own horn, and by that I mean he wants you to believe he is a super catch in a large ocean.
He want's you to feel jealous and that makes him feel comfortable and secure, because from what you state I feel he is actually very insecure and unsure of himself.

Don't get caught up in that game, and perhaps be a little more direct with him. Ask him what he wants out of your relationship, and what are his desires for the future with you ? And then ask yourself based on his replys what type of future do you desire and need ?
 
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fcl responded:
He's going out of his way to make you feel insecure and worthless. My advice is to drop this insensitive oaf and go find yourself a guy who is actually worth your time. You deserve SOOOOOO much better than this.

I know you don't want to hear this but you are not at the same stage of maturity. You are becoming a fully-fledged adult with adult expectations and he has the mindset of a 13 yo boy. There is nothing you can do to make him grow up. He will, eventually. However, in the meantime, why should you put up with him putting you down? Stop letting him drag you down to his level. Drop him, raise your standards and spend a couple of months getting back in touch with the good, generous, happy person that you are.

Finally, about this phrase of yours (this really bothers me):

"he assures me that I am his first choice, he chose me"

IF you are his gf there should be no choice in this at all. It should be a no-brainer ...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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queston replied to fcl's response:
I'm with FCL--I think she nailed it. Sounds like a definite maturity gap there. (I am a college professor and work with people your age all the time. I can tell you it's not at all unusual for a 19 yo woman to be far more mature than a 20 yo man.)
 
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An_249870 replied to longduckdong46's response:
We have been dating four months and I've noticed that he has a high ego and is insecure. I feel like he wants me to know that he can have any girl he wants and that he is a super catch in order for me to appreciate him more. He said he wants to be with me for a long time. He wants to move in with me in 8 months when we transfer schools together. But the future seems so unsure, because he is very sarcastic, says he would do anything for me because of how much he cares for me, &admits that he does say "stupid stuff" a lot.
 
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jen_19 replied to fcl's response:
"spend a couple of months getting back in touch with the good, generous, happy person that you are."
I would love to reach that again.


I feel like you're right. About it having to be a "no choice". Because in my past relationships, I never felt like they had more choices. But I just thought it's my fault for being so insecure about it.
 
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jen_19 replied to queston's response:
Thanks for the response!

He tells me that I'm the one that has communication problems, and that I am inconsiderate at times. So I always feel like i'm the one that's immature.
 
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georgiagail replied to jen_19's response:
Most 20 year old males have the maturity of...what..a 13 year old?

At 19 and 20 years of age neither one of you should really be thinking of long term relationships with anyone at this point in your lives.

Gail


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