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How do I know if my bf is depressed or just a jerk?
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An_250012 posted:
Since, July of this year my bf has been laid off. It was nice at first but he began to change. Our relationship has changed. The last time I can remember being happy was in October. We have many ups and downs lately, fighting has been more frequent, he starts more fights and blames them on me. He will also try to make it appear that I started a fight when I didn't.

The real issue is our lack of a sex life. We live 50 minutes away from each other. Sometimes, its hard to see each other if we are busy. In a normal week we see each other 3-4 times a week. Lately, if we have sex once a week that's a lot. A few times we have gone without sex for 3 weeks. I feel like I have to pressure him into having sex. He won't say sometimes that he doesn't feel like it. I don't understand why... Other times he says "I'm tired" or "my back hurts"... anyway I feel like I'm being rejected. The worst is sometimes he can't keep it up. I find this really hard to take. I try not to take it personally, recently I have put on 15lbs so I'm wondering if that has anything to do with it. I have put a lot of research into male depression. I'm trying to be supportive, I tell him I love him, how much I care about him, trying to get him to talk more about his day ect.. It seems like he deflects my efforts and affection. I'm trying not to take it personal. I can't help it sometimes. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm giving too much and he doesn't have depression...maybe he's just a jerk. I have tried everything to get to make our relationship stronger and too keep the flame going. I don't know how to feel about this part of me thinks he's depressed vs. the other half who thinks he's being a jerk and might not really care about me or the relationship like he says. I feel so distant from him sometimes.

Also, I recently fell on the ice a injured my back. When I tell him I'm in pain he's unresponsive. Doesn't say anything too me. I'm not begging for sympathy or looking for him help me. It would be nice if he acknowledge me. I don't know if it is related to his "depression". I fell into a dark place one time and I try to remember what it was like. I was selfish, didn't care about other people, had a hard time expressing myself or I was over-reactive. I don't know if it different for men... I'm really trying to fix this and not walk out on him (we have had other issues as well). Sometimes he's "normal" and other times he's hard to read, unresponsive and lacks a sex drive.

I know he's going through a lot but I am making too many excuses for him or is he depressed?
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fcl responded:
Encourage him to see a doc and get screened for depression.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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MENDEZWARD responded:
He could try harder for one. How long have you been together? I'm dealing with a similar issue. Me and my husband been together for 2 yrs, just had a baby and so now we have a hard time making time for one another. But i think he may be doing other things. I never caught him in the act of cheating but he likes to txt and be on single chat groups and have the nerve to include them as his friend on facebook. On top of that money issues. But you to don't even live together; i'd say do some digging just to make sure that it's not another woman. My husband doing all thisunder our roof, so just to give you a piece of ming do a little detective work.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
I think Mendezward might be onto something here? Go by his house at night, often, and see for yourself whats going on. It would help to ease your mind.

I would also encourage you to get him to see a doctor.

Good luck!

Dennis
 
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An_250012 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thank you for the advice.

Some other information that might complete the picture:

I'm 22 and he's 29. We have been dating for a year. Once he lost his job things changed. We started to fight more and things have been steadily going downhill since.

I didn't think ED was issue until men were over 50-60 years old. I haven't researched it a whole lot because it doesn't apply to me at my age.

I think I might have to drive by his house a scope it out. I thought about doing it before but thought it was too extreme.
 
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queston replied to An_250012's response:
ED is certainly more common in middle-aged men, but it definitely can be an issue at 29, especially when he's out of work and (maybe) suffering from depression.

When you do have sex, is it good and mutually satisfying? Men will often withdraw from seeking sex when there is a physical or psychological sexual function problem.

I would say that it's pretty normal for a man to go through some of these kinds of issues when he loses a job. That's one way in which us men are raised differently than women, for the most part: having a job and being a provider is one of the most essential elements of what it means in our culture to be a man. To lose that is a really, really big deal.

Is he making the effort to find another job? Would he see a therapist or clergyperson (if applicable)? It's fine for you to be supportive and understanding, but at some point he needs to make some effort, too.

And I agree that it might do you well to learn a little bit more about what he does all that time when he's not at work and not with you.
 
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mtk128 replied to queston's response:
He's a carpenter. He's used to being laid off and working from job to job. He was laid off in July and waited until Thanksgiving to start searching. He's looking but he could have been employed by now if he started sooner. He decided in July that he was leaving his union after he was laid off.

Side Note: Also, we don't live together. We have no joint accounts and he doesn't even have his own apartment. He lives with his mother. He doesn't have to provide for me. If he suggests to pay for something I always ask him "are you sure? it's okay I got it. really it's not a problem" he always says "no it's okay" but when we argue it gets thrown in my face. He says "I'm materialistic and I always want to do expensive things he has to pay for"... I don't understand where that comes from.

Its's not mutual. It seems like he wants to have sex and it will start to happen but before we can get there ) or sometimes during sex) he loses it and stops me. What I hate is when he say I "forced him to do it".. I'm doing the same thing I have always done if I'm aroused and let know in subtle ways I'm interested. He will go along with it and then accuse me like I put a gun to his head and made him do it.

I feel so lost. I don'r know what to do. Ever attempt I make to make him happy backfires. Even simple non-sexual things. He's so withdrawn and distant. Honestly, I'm depressed now. I started seeking professional help and taken SSRI. Anything I do positive/negative he doesn't acknowledge or accuses me of something I am not. He puts me down. I don't know. I'm trying to stay with him through this. It wasn't always like this. The last two months is when all this started.

I just want us to be happy again,
 
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queston replied to mtk128's response:
You might need to be more specific about this:

"Its's not mutual. It seems like he wants to have sex and it will start to happen but before we can get there ) or sometimes during sex) he loses it and stops me."


When you say he loses it, do you mean that he loses his erection?Or that he "loses it," like "he freaks out?"


As far as your last paragraph, if I were you, I think I'd want to really seriously consider whether I wanted to invest anything more in this relationship.
 
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fcl replied to queston's response:
Ditto^^
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Maiza234 responded:
I feel, from what I read, is that the "real issue" isn't his (or your) sex drive. From him not wanting sex, until you yourself ask for says something. Loss of libido is a symptom of depression. A symptom, not the problem or cause. I feel you should be focusing on his emotions.

My brother is a one of the funniest people I know. He can hold the entire room's attention with humor. But when he depressed he become expressive with anger. He pushes buttons and becomes a jerk. Projecting anger is how he copes with the hard times of life. He won't admit he has a problem. When confronted by my somewhat arrogant father about his emotions he becomes explosive. When confronted by me, or my grandmother, who remain calm because we love him: he reacts better and listens.

I mention him because he is the type of person that best reacts to confrontation without anger. Cold truth. I feel you need be upfront and confrontational-- but be/ show that you are moved by love. He is the type that generally ignores his emotional side... and maybe your boyfriend is too.

Also, I have 4 years experience on and off antidepressants. It is a very real sickness. I feel that I am no longer physiologically depressed but that doesn't mean I can't mourn or feel sorrow with life's circumstances. I grew up being "told" depression is purely mentality-- It is not!!... It took suicidal thoughts to push me to see the psychiatrist. I thought f*** what my parents say or feel about it. I don't regret that at all.
 
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dfromspencer replied to mtk128's response:
Hi

I just got back from an intense feeling of depression. Sorry about that! But from what i'm hearing now, you sound like you are making excuses for him? Please don't do that. That will not help you. Listen to what you are saying? Do you really want to go through life like that? I would hope not. Its time you did some soul searching.

Yes, of course you want the love back, who wouldn't? But, will your life be the same five/ten years down the road? If he gets like this now, why wouldn't he later? Can you keep doing this, over and over? With his job, you just may?

Its time to sit down together, and really talk about your "NOW" and your "FUTURE"!!! The time has come to set priorities straight!

I wish you the best of luck!!!

Dennis
 
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clipper1956 responded:
I see by your words that you seem to be slipping apart from the miles, and him not wanting sex is a key component. You need to move on in your life he is not treating you well by being a jerk. Even if he has depression he needs to help himself and see a Dr. because you will never be able to fix him or any other guy. You can't make another treat you good trust me I'm a 56 year old female and have had 2 marriages I tried to fix both times and it doesn't work and never will! Good luck.
 
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clipper1956 replied to dfromspencer's response:
That never works it only causes more anxiety and depression and keeps you in a vicious cycle of spying move on in your life an_25002.
 
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mtk128 replied to clipper1956's response:
Clipper1956 and Dennis,

Your all right. He wrote me a whole long email about what I am doing wrong but he didn't take any responsibility for himself. I really wish he would go see a Dr and get some DBT therapy (maybe some meds). I'm in therapy now but she said the problem isn't me... it's him. Yes, I struggle with bouts of depression but it doesn't help when he accuses me of being one that depressed.

I often wonder/ worry about the future with him but when I bring pup the depression he says "I went online I read every article I could about it and changed. You should at least try it like I did not even is weak and needs a shrink.." I'm not weak I'm willing to admit that I need help beyond self-help articles can give. He's in denial. He puts he projects his problems on me. I know its not right.I'm lost as too what to do.
 
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An_250579 replied to dfromspencer's response:
what isit, i didnot get the real problem, i think you are misunderstanding everything. explain me again.


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