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Husband won't touch me
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Solo4138 posted:
My husband is 61 and I'm 55. 2nd marriage for me and him. He lost his previous wife of 16 yrs to cancer 6 yrs ago. He is slightly obsessive compulive which used to drive me nuts but I have gotten used to it for the most part. He is also very shy when it comes to sex. He won't ask me for it. He says its because if I'm not in the mood and say no, it will hurt his feelings. I am very honest and straightforward and not shy in the bedroom so I told him, all you have to do is ask, if I'm not in the mood, don't take it personally, but 99% of the time I will say yes. It is a BIG turnoff that he doesn't have the cajones to ask his own wife for sex. If I initate it, all is well but most of the time it doesn't last very long because I seriously don't even think he masturbates. I have very nicely tried to talk to him about this but he says he's just scared I'll say no.Thats also a turnoff to me. Also, I get no hugs, pats on the butt, kisses on the neck or ANYTHING like that unless I ask for it and then he will for about 2 days then its back to the same thing. I even told him for Christmas all I wanted was hugs. He does so once a day but thats slacking off. I am getting so lonely and bitter. I'm not unattrative or overweight and I have had my share of male attention before I married him. He does give me a kiss goodnight but just a quick dry peck on the lips. Whenever I try putting a little tongue into it, I don't get much of a response. Leaving him or having an affair is not an option. I don't know what to do. When I bring the subject up, his feelings get hurt.
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stevesmw responded:
Good luck. I've been only married once for 30 years. If I got married again I would make sure my partner and I were very sexually compatible before even considering getting married.I don't know what his sexual relationship was with his first wife, but it doesn't sound very good.

Maybe you can work on him to be more physically affectionate and take the lead. It sounds like he is not a very good lover and he knows it. Maybe you can teach him and explain how important kissing and hugging are to you.

Im in a sexless marriage now, partially because my wife suffered sexual abuse as a small child and now has copd. We still kiss and hug a a lot and touch each other as along as it isn't overtly sexual.
 
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lovemyman replied to stevesmw's response:
Think my man suffers from ED. He will not get checked out. In the beginning of our relationship we were all over each other. I thought I found the holy grail. In previous relationships I had not been this satisfied. Now, I am lucky if I get a pat on my butt over the weekend. This is a 2nd for both of us. Every other weekend my kids are with their dad. His are with his ex. I have tried talking about it, but only to get an even colder shoulder. I feel as though I am at the end of my rope. He is a very good man, but I am needing more touch, feel, romance. I used to look forward to our weekends. Now, I loathe them. I walk around the house naked, sleep naked, flirt with him, and I get nothing in return. What is a woman to do???
 
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Solo4138 replied to stevesmw's response:
I have taken the lead many times Steve with success but I find that frustrating after a while. I want HIM to want ME. He does satisfy me when we are in the bedroom but getting there is the problem. He is an insecure person so maybe you are right on that account. I do give him compliments to try to bolster his ego. He just isn't affectionate at all outside of the bedroom which frustrates me and is starting to make me bitter. I'm just going to keep researching and listening to others suggestions and hope for the best
 
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stevesmw replied to Solo4138's response:
I hope you get many more responses.

I reread you original post and response. I am assuming that his behavior changed over the course of the relationship. Partners try to please each other early in a relationship an then not as much after they feel secure. I will also assume that his behavior now is his natural state which may have been formed by his previous marriage. For example, that he was rejected when asking for sex and his wife wasn't physically affectionate.

You could try a retraining program using positive reinforcement. Work on affection first, not sex. Kiss him and hu him frequently and when he shows any physical affection give a non verbal response like smiling or giving him a hug or a kiss in return. Be patient, this will take time. A significant change in your behavior may cause him some concern.
 
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lissmeanstrouble responded:
I was attracted to your post because Im having a similar situation with my fiance. and even more intrigued by a response from love my man because she expresses exactly how I feel about my reALTionship. I thought I found the holy grail of satisfaction, and now its like I have to beg for it, he used to get in the shower with me and have a chubby and now I see him getting in the shower and his penis is just relaxed and soft as can be, so I dont get any wild ideas when i see him naked... so frustrating.... I have cried and begged.
 
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Solo4138 replied to stevesmw's response:
Thanks Steve, that all makes a lot of sense
 
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Anon_4048 replied to Solo4138's response:
I think that Steve's advice that this will take time and may cause him some concern is worth noting. I have always touched, hugged and tried to be physically affectionate with my wife. As she as admitted, she's a little prudish. Every now and then, my wife tries to show affection - when no one is around and never in front of a window - which I greatly appreciate. However, after many years with little, it always takes me by surprise and she tries to do what seems to me as something very "staged". I will be going out to mow the lawn and she will stop me, stare up into my eyes and give me a kiss (I'm mowing the lawn - wonder what I'd get if I solved world hunger?). It literally took me years to figure out that this was not a prelude to anything, but that she was just trying to show small affection. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't appreciate it - it's just that I'm caught off guard. If you started small - a touch - a hug - a kiss on the neck - you might ease him into it and, as Steve said, change his behavior.


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