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No Sex Drive
An_250232 posted:
I am facing a difficult problem I have no solution for. I have been married for nearly 8 years, and I fear that is on the path of failing. We have three children whom he is such a wonderful father to. My husband is a good man, and I feel deserves so much more. I have absolutely no desire to have sex with my husband. I don't even masturbate. Sometimes the thought of intercourse is so displeasing. I have become more and more distant, and sadly less affectionate. My husband has become distant as well, and we do not seem to get along most days. He admitted to me last night that he is having an internal battle, and has caused him to feel depressed. Sadly, I do not know how to fix this, and don't really want to anymore because of the fact I have no idea how to fix ME. I have been contemplating separating or divorcing because of this. He deserves so much more than this, and I want him to be happy. I don't know what to think or what to do. I feel I have failed my husband, and our marriage.
HolNat responded:
I kindly ask for no hateful comments. I beat myself up over this everyday, and feel I am a terrible wife. Added grief from those types of comments won't help.
georgiagail responded:
How about considering some marital therapy before you throw away an 8 year marriage. If you think you are depressed now, you haven't seen anything yet going through a divorce with three youngsters.

Ever consider taking care of 3 children (and they must be little ones if you've had 3 in 8 years) is simply exhausting you to the point where sex is simply seen as another chore.

stevesmw responded:
Worst thing you can do is be less affectionate. If you love him be more affectionate.

Ask yourself these questions (no need to answer here):

1. What is your definition of sex? Anything sexual or intercourse?
2. Did you ever enjoy sex?
3. Is your husband a good lover?
4. Did you ever have a traumatic sexual event?

Not wanting sex from someone you love has a physical, psychological root or both. If you think it is physical, get medical advice. If you thing it's got a psychological, consider seeing a therapist.

My story:
I've known my wife for almost 35 years. She had been sexually active for almost 10 years before I met her and never had an orgasm. The first time we made love she orgasmed non stop for a long time. We had sex all the time. She tried out things that she had thought about but never done. Very positive situation. ...Then she would have problems were iud and bladder infections, negative reinforcement. .. slowed things down. About 7 years into our relationship our young son started having behavioral problems in preschool and kindergarten. She had him see a therapist and went into therapy herself. This led to recovered memories of sexual abuse at very young age. Sex over the next 25 years was infrequent. We would make love and she would orgasm
almost non stop until every bit of sexual tension was gone from her body (1 hour ). She is a great lover. I have a very high sex drive and would make love every day. You would think that after such a pleasant experience she would want to make love again soon, but that wan't the case. Sometimes the result of sex was another bladder infection...negative reinforcement.
She talked to her gynecologist about this and was told that we weren't doing wrong only that it is a result of infrequent sex.

We love each other very much, are very affectionate and touch and carress each other (non sexually overt) and hold each other when sleeping. At times she says how much he enjoyed my penis. I say to myself then why didn't you take advantage of it over the years. Nothing I can say or do is going to change things. It is what it is.
dfromspencer responded:
Please go see your doctor! If not for you, then do it for your husband. Something has gone wrong? To not want sex at all, there is something going on? Find out what that is, before you end this marriage. You owe it to yourself first, your husband second. Be it medical, or pschycological, find it, fix it!!!

Don't you want to be happy, also? You should, you know?

I wish you the very best!!!!


Helpful Tips

Difficulty having an orgasm?Expert
Try reading Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women by Julia Heiman , Joseph Ph.D. LoPiccolo and David ... More
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