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Help!!! I cringe when my husband touches me sexually
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NurturingGiver posted:
I think I hate sex… Or it maybe I just dislike him. We've been together for 11 year and married for almost 9 years we just had our 4th child. I recently over came 2 years of depression last year and while I was in it he hated me or I should say hated me for crying all the time. In the beginning sex was fine at least 4-5 times a week. But lately more like twice a month. I can't bring myself to want it from him or act first so he waits until I go to sleep to try to get some and this to me is the ultimate no no( stepfather use to do the same thing to me wait until I'm sleep to touch me). Every time we do it I feel nasty and bothered because I know it doesn't change anything he still going to treat me unfairly, not show me any appreciation or love and still think i don't need anything from him. I feel my husband uses me for sex we have little to no communication but while I'm sleep he doesn't have a problem sticking his hand between my legs when he want sex and I just want to pound his face in. I am very kind and nurturing, giving and considerate but I don't ever get it in return from anyone close to me. He tells me I'm naive, do too much for others/family and I'm living in a fantasy world because I feel the love you give your supposed to receive back. Every day he comes home from work go right for the baby and computer, holds her all night and stays on the computer 5 ½ hours until he eats dinner about 11:30 then he's ready for sex/ give me attention. I've tried communicating with him for years no yelling involved truly talking but he just shuts down no matter the subject and places his headphones on so he don't have to hear me. This is so disrespectful but he doesn't care he does it on a daily bases then wonder why I don't want sex. What am I doing wrong? He won't tell me. When I try and stand up for myself I'm wrong. He threatens me with at least I'm home every night I don't go anywhere so don't say nothing when I don't come home. To him sex makes everything better but not me. He used to be so sweet while we were dating taking me everywhere, out to eat 3-4 times a week, spending countless hours holding me, picking me up for work driving 50 minutes out his way in the morning when he didn't call to tell me he was coming. As I walked to the bus stop he would be coming down the street. I would ask what are you doing here? He would reply taking you to work. We spent every minute together after work now he is selfish, stingy with money (because" he makes it he supposed to spend it" let him tell it and I don't work (stay at home moms don't do anything according to him) self-centered, disrespectful, and emotionally unavailable. There is no romance at all and he never ever gets me anything for mother's day, my birthday (this last birthday I was in the hospital in labor all day having our daughter & the next day still didn't get a gift) valentine's day, and Christmas all go's by with nothing and I'm left feeling worst about him and my marriage than ever before and he doesn't care. He know these days are very important to me all my life my family has celebrated these special days in a big way. While dating he did have a issue doing for me on these days. I say to him go to the local grocery store stop & shop they have a single rose for $2, $1 balloon and $.50 card from the dollar store would really be nice, because he know how much I love balloons that's all I ever want. I've let him know how he makes me feel but I don't get a responds I send him text, emails but he never opens them and I even ask him to print article so he can know and see how he makes me feel but he rolls his eyes and tells me to stop watching Oprah.
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georgiagail responded:
You two both need some serious marital counseling.

In addition, it sounds as if you need additional therapy, both for your depression and your past history of sexual abuse from your stepfather.

Not to blame you but from your posting you appear to be a very needy person who seems to require a fairly constant amount of reassurance that they are loved and desired.

While this certainly isn't an abnormal need, it may be a bit unreasonable to assume that a life being taken out for dinner 3-4 times a week, having someone spend "countless hours" holding you, spending every minute together when one has four children to manage is, quite frankly, very unrealistic. It is often impossible to maintain the high energy attention one receives early on in a relationship.

It sounds as if your husband sees his role as the main breadwinner in the household and, even from your posting, he does appear to be providing attention to his children (you indicated he holds the baby during the evening hours). The problem would appear to be that he has grown tired of your continued needs for attention and, unfortunately, shuts you out which shuts you down further emotionally.

This marriage is in big trouble and unless the two you get some outside professional help it sounds as if it is doomed to limp along until is simply dies (unless it had died already).

Gail
 
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NurturingGiver replied to georgiagail's response:
Thank you for your reply I post because I'm at the end of my rope. we have been to counseling together but we(he) stopped because he didn't want to pay the co-pay (his excuse). I was told that is a big step because he showed up so he is willing to work on it. I've also been by myself but stopped after a year because I felt like it wasn't going anywhere, pop a pill and poof all is well in the morning NOT and all I was doing was reliving all the hurt I've been through as a child/young adult and repeat-complaining with no results. All this started to surface 2 years ago when I stopped working due to depression reliving hurt in therapy. I was an escalations Rep so I received calls a day long being screamed at, cursed out, name called and belittled. my therapist said it wasn't the ideal job for me and it would only continue to fuel the pain/ rejection I've felt as a child. She was right I hated that job driving an 1 1/2 only to be yelled at and it caused me to be a very unhappy person. She suggested that I start back taking care of the elderly because I'm always trying to take care of everybody making sure everyone around me is happy and don't want for anything. she stated I have so much love to give and it would best benefit them instead of giving all of it to a husband that don't want it.
I guess I started the ball rolling because I started to open up and that's where the neediness started before this time I was self sufficient in the love/emotional department. I've always been the one giving a lot of affection. I've been through a lot of pain, disappointments and heartaches over my short life and he knows about all it you think it would make him treat me better knowing what I've been through. I am not unreasonable... as I stated in my earlier post the holding and being together all the time was when we were dating 11 years ago not now... My life is so busy from morning until night with my kids (9,6,3 & new born)running all day in and out the house driving here and there, to school picking this one up, dropping that one off, doing homework, cleaning, making lunch, nursing the baby, cooking dinner, reading, nurturing the kids, doctors appointments, PTA, weekly grocery shopping and studying for the state radiology exam... Oy it's a lot but I love it. I never said I wanted all that attention now... I was implying I need a kiss, a hello I love you, a back rub, a foot rub or honey i'll cook tonight (before he attempt to have SEX). Don't forget or just not do for me on special days/occasions. I cook 7 days a week 3 times a day AND we never ever eat out. It's been 2 years since we been to a sit down restaurant so the 3-4 time a week was also when we were dating and first married I think I said that in my earlier post. I am needy and so what... And it isn't unrealistic to want a little attention from your spouse. My family has always been big and still is on showing affection, love, kissing every time we see each other, hugging and celebrating each other. If he's depressed then he sure is hiding it because he doesn't act like a depressed person just mean and selfish. And what is wrong with a husband reassuring his wife he love, admire, and appreciates her? Sex is #1 for him and #9 for me. I do all the physical work he does all the light work like bills, purchasing, taking kids to the movies, and spoiling them. Counselling is out of the question for him so I post to see/ get feed back on what I can do to make it better.
 
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plzhelp8502 responded:
I feel for you. I just posted something similar.
 
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dfromspencer replied to NurturingGiver's response:
You are absolutely, 100% right!!! No love can last without continuously showing that love! This guy is a JERK, in every sense of that word! Just because he works all day, to provide for his family, does not give him the excuse to deny you love! He can give his love to his children, but not you? How long does he expect you to stay with him? If it was me, i would have left long ago! We give our love, to recieve their love, thats just how it is! If he has stopped giving his love freely, you need to think about finding it somewhere else! Why, or how could anyone want to stay in such a loveless marriage? I really feel for you, and i hope he changes for his sake! To lose the love you have given, would be a true loss, for sure!!!

I wish you only the best!!!

Dennis
 
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NurturingGiver replied to plzhelp8502's response:
Thank you for reading my post and not pointing out what some would say is being needy. I know a lot of women are over whelmed and going through the same things I'm going through with my husband.
 
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NurturingGiver replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thank you I needed to hear that. I did leave three times he always came and got me. He showered me with an abundance of attention and affection that caused me to really think he was going to change but it lasted for about a month. But I'm doing much better since my post.
 
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dfromspencer replied to NurturingGiver's response:
That's great, but in what way? How has he change towards you? Or, how have you changed?

Its pretty hard to get someone to change, they have to want to.

Good luck!!!

Dennis


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