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    trying to help an overweight friend,,
    LUVishere posted:
    ok, so i have afriend, she beautiful, on the inside and out. problem is, she is overweight. I love her too death. She has low self esteem about her weight. She is in a steady relationship for several years, and the past year she gets physically sick evreytime they have sex. I think she's so bothered mentally about her weight and body, she always has so many negative feelings, that she gets ill. I have tried to get her to work out with me, she wont make and take the time, and will not stick with it. I have known her all of my life, she's always been a hefty girl. I cannot say much, because I am quiet the opposite. I am very physically fit, not an ounce over weight, hard and toned, and yes, I like sex 24/7.. She dresses cute, latest styles, and she's really pretty. But her SO is telling me, and so is she that she hates sex.. I want her happy with herself again, any ideas?
    georgiagail responded:
    No offense but this sounds like you are more concerned about her weight and being "hard and toned" than she is.

    There may be other reasons she "hates sex" that has absolutely nothing to do with her weight. Because, quite frankly, if she were that concerned about it, she'd likely do something about it.

    LUVishere replied to georgiagail's response:
    she tries to diet, we go eat healthy together, she is depressed about it, but not all of the time. i just feel bad for her, she isnt happy inside. she tells me that she's very self conscience, only has sex partially clothed, no lights, no daytime, etc. The past 6 months, she told me that she thinks sex is making her sick.. she dreads him wanting to have sex. I try to help, but in either the weight or the sexual appetite, we are nothing alike,, just looking for anyone that has helpful ideas.
    elle0317 replied to LUVishere's response:
    Ever hear the term: you can lead a horse to water, but can't make them drink? Only she can help herself, when SHE is ready to do so. Just be there for her and don't try to push anything on her, or you could be less one friend...I know you want to help, but unless she is willing to change there is nothing you can do.
    fcl replied to LUVishere's response:
    Losing weight when one is alone to do it even when you REALLY want to do it is often a seemingly insurmountable task. Perhaps your friend might find it easier if she were in a more supportive situation with others like her? I would suggest joining something like Weightwatchers. She'll get the support and (hopefully) motivation that she seeks.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    saintsgirl62 responded:
    You're friend has a real problem. This isn't just about weight. It's about lack of self esteem. She could even have heallth issues she isn't aware of. She needs to talk to her doctor. I have several freinds who are overweight who have healthy sex lives because they are happy with who they are. If we based our lives on the size of our bodies and what others thought of us, many of us would never leave our homes. I am of average size, attractive and have a very active and fulfilling life. At alomost 51, my sex life has lessened a little. However, my husband and I still have a solid realtionship. Being in a good place mentally, individually and spiritually is most helpful. I have a friend who was in a very mentally abusive marriage for about 11 years. Her husband cheated on her, telling her it was her fault becasue she wasn't sexually attractive or good in bed. This has scarred her badly. She has been in a relationship with a man who loves her deeply, but they don't engage in sex. She said they've had sex twice in 10 years and she hated it. I asked her if it was the actual act or years of being berated by her ex. She broke down and said she doesn't have the confidence that she could be satisfying in bed. I suggested she talk to a professional about overcoming the trauma of her failed marriage, as she has been divorced for a long time and she is still allowing her ex to control part of her life. Before her divorce, she was a size 10. Over the years she has ballooned to a size 22. Food has become her frustration outlet. She has recently been diagnosed with borderline diabetes, so she has been put on a restricted diet. When we got out to eat, I will order from the same limited menu she does. I want her to eat healthy. I support my friend by being there for her in her ups and downs. I encourage her to seek the things in life that bring her joy. I let her know that while sex is a beautiful part of a meaningful realtionship, it isn't the basis of one. This is something for her and her partner to decide. They have fun together...they travel and they participate in local charity functions. They attend sports events...and he dotes on her. Happiness is not in's in self acceptance and self love. Love your friend and give her positive support. Stop putting so much emphasis on size and sex. Encourage her to talk to someone who can help her with her insecurities.

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