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Accommodation
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stevesmw posted:
There are two kinds of accomodation:

1. You have a mutually satisfying sex life and your spouse offers you a quicky because she knows you would enjoy it.

2. Your partner offers occasional sex because she hates sex and feels it's an obligation to provide occasional intercourse.
My answer to poll question #3 would be " never mind I'll handle the situation myself."

Clearly, you would want to see what you can do to improve your partner's enjoyment and attitude toward sex, but sometimes that isn't an option and raising the issue can be counterproductive.

Take the Poll

What is your opinion of option #2?
  • Any sex is ok.
  • Rather not have intercourse unless your wife enjoys it also.
  • You would accept accomodation other than intercourse.
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dfromspencer responded:
Where is poll question three???

If my wife had a problem like number two, I would hope she would go to a therapist for help. I don't know how long a guy could put up with that kind of behavior? Its not natural for a woman to hate sex!

Dennis
 
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stevesmw replied to dfromspencer's response:
That would be poll answer three. I am unqualified to comment on what is natural for a woman. If you read plainjanes topic, she states that men won't accept a relationship without sex. I would say it's very common for a woman to be more interested in pleasing a man than revealing her true interest in sex.
 
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BalconyBelle replied to stevesmw's response:
Dennis,

Survivors of sexual assault and abuse frequently have a natural aversion to sex afterwards. Some can overcome it through therapy and/or the love and support of friends and family, some find their own way back to what you'd consider a 'normal' interest in sex, while others take it to extremes of either hyper sexuality or basically chastity.

That's without even taking into account a variety of physical, chemical, and physiological issues that can legitmately negatively impact someone's sex drive on their own. Therapy and medication can help if someone's interested; but I'd put more emphasis on finding a partner who's baseline sex drive is similar to your own, rather than trying to mold someone with a different drive into the level or frequency of intimacy that you deem normal.

I despised even the idea of sex and physical intimacy of any kind (especially with men) until I was 22. I'd grown up with a long history of physical and sexual abuse, and just the thought of voluntarily participating in the acts my attackers tried to force on me was enough to make me physically ill. Having a guy touch me (even if it was just a hug), made me itch to scour myself with lysol. Definitely damaged...but that was my reality & my normal reaction at the time.

Then I met my ex-fiance. He fell in love with me, and I loved him as a friend--he was the first guy who could hug me without me feeling unclean or wanting to attack him. We decided to see if having a romance would work out, and started dating. It took months before I felt anything approaching desire, and that occurred right around the time I began falling 'in love' with him, instead of just loving my best friend.

We took things at what most people would probably consider a glacial pace, but it worked for us. In the beginning, we did a lot of massage and necking, and once that started feeling good for me, we moved on to accommodation other than intercourse. He made me happy, and he made me feel good, but he didn't want to go any further until he knew I felt the same way he did when we were in each other's arms. He didn't pressure me to go all the way, and I got to decide when we'd have our first time. There was accomdating on both sides at the beginning of our relationship. I genuinely loved making him happy, and giving him some satisfaction even if it wasn't something that I could understand or relate to myself, and he was willing to go as slowly as I needed so that I could catch up and see what all the fuss was about when it came to desire. Because of that, our first time was absolutely amazing.

We had a great relationship in and out of bed for several years before things ended. It turns out I have a high drive, actually a bit higher than my ex's, and I will always be grateful that he taught me that part of me wasn't broken. I was afraid my past had ruined me for intimacy; thanks to his patience, I know that's not true. So, while he broke my heart, I walked away whole. I know now that I'm an extremely sensual woman who's more than capable of being someone's partner in life and love, in and out of the bedroom, and that is a gift I will always be thankful for.
http://erynlockhart.wordpress.com
 
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stevesmw replied to BalconyBelle's response:
My story. I met a woman through computer dating, long before the internet. We went on a first date. She liked me and asked me to spend the night. This woman really enjoyed all aspects of sex. She was very communicative about what she liked and what she didn't like. She had a boyfriend who only preferred sex in one position, one that she didn't prefer. We engaged in all kinds of positions and sexual activity. We saw adult films in theaters together and groped each other when driving a car. She was my sexual soul mate.

I met my wife to be at work. She had been sexually active for many years, was married and separated for a few years. She had never had an orgasm. She invited some coworkers over to her place for a party and after everyone had left she asked me to stay. We made love and she had her first of many orgasms. At the beginning of the relationship she offered to do things to please me. She eventually insisted on an exclusive relationship. I considered her a possible life partner and agreed. A few years later we got married. Our sex life was good for the first 7 years. Our son had behavioral problems and as a result my wife started seeing a therapist. Early abuse memories resulted. From that time on my wife was only interested in sex when she was aroused and that was only something she could control. No such thing as foreplay. Sex diminished over the years including years where there was no sex at all. We have been together for over 35 years and virtually without sex over the last 10 years. It is very frustrating to know that how patient you are, how good a husband you are there is nothing you can do to make things better .
 
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21finish responded:
I have a situation now in which my wife just doesn't want sex; says she does but it is obviously not true since she just lays there and takes it, doesn't start anything, no vocal response other than groans (not moans), and after 5 minutes halts any kind of movement or advance I might make. I've learned that means, roll over and take care of my desires/needs myself. It has become more fulfilling to not even initiate intercourse as it will be less than fun for either of us. I don't want some kind of "obligation sex" that has no feeling to it.
 
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dfromspencer replied to BalconyBelle's response:
Hi, Belle

I'm sorry my notice thingy isn't working, I just now stumbled onto this.

I am sorry you had a bad childhood, no one should have to suffer like that! You know, we talked before, and there was some things you said, that I didn't fully grasp, till now.

I am sooooo glad you found yourself again!!! The man you picked, was the perfect one for the time's. He helped you come back from a terrible experience, now you know who you truly are. That is so awesome!!!

I am now, and always have been very slow in getting to know someone well enough to have sex with. I am a lot like your Ex., even more so, now. I made myself a promise many many years ago, I will no longer have sex, just to have sex. No, I want to know a woman first, I want to be in love first. I don't want to have sex with a woman, no, I want to make love to a woman!!! And if its a long term relationship, then every time we make love, I want it to feel like its the first time all over again.

I hope that, someday, you will find the love of your life!!!!

Thank you soooo much, for sharing that with me!

Take care!

Dennis
 
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dfromspencer replied to 21finish's response:
Have you talked to her? I mean "Really" talked to her? I feel that something in the marriage may be the cause? That is why you need to talk to her, and really listen to her responses. If she doesn't come right out with it, she may give some hints you can use?

You may want to talk to her about seeing a counselor?

Good luck!!!!

Dennis


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