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our sex life needs help
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An_250941 posted:
my fiance and i have a very non exsistent sex life. this is mainly caused by my decline to his suggestion of intimacy. i love, adore and care for my fiance but it causes a great stress on our relationship to the point of almost calling off the wedding or just not spending time together. im attracted to my fiance but even simple kissing and intercourse has no appeal to me. im very fearful of the toll its taking on the relationship, self esteem of both myself and him and our connection as a couple. how can i change this to build our relationship and enjoy each other like a normal and functional couple before our marriage is ruined before it begins
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stevesmw responded:
Have you ever had relationships where you enjoyed kissing?
Are you capable of being sexually aroused?
Is that you have no interest in sex or just not physically attracted to your fiance.


I could date someone where sex isn't a component, but to enter into a mongamous relationship where there is no sex is totally unacceptable to most men. I wouldn't enter into a long term relationship with someone who doesn't love sex. Accomodation is unacceptable.

Do you know why you have no interest in sex? Have you ever consulted a professional; medical or therapist regarding this?
Being a sexual being is the normal state.

My wife was sexually abused as a young child and she can only initiate sex, but we kiss each other on the lips all the time.
 
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amanda42 replied to stevesmw's response:
am attracted to my partner and i cannot remember the last time i was comfortable about sex. i think it is the act of intercourse itself that makes me very uncomfortable and anxious. im perfectly able to be intimate with my fiance emotionally but even the discussion of the sexual aspect of our relationship makes me uneasy
 
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jlgetch replied to amanda42's response:
You definitely need relationship counseling for the relationship problem. You say that you 'love, adore, and care for your fiance', but you are unwilling (unable?) to consider any sexual aspect (including simply kissing). That is very abnormal! Your relationship will not last without some agreed-on level of sexual relations. Please see a counselor ASAP! And have both joint (with your fiance) and personal (you alone) sessions - see your Pastor or find a good Marriage Counselor (search for a Neuthetic Counselor).
And please, as you enter into personal counseling, open up to the counselor to find out why you have such an aversion to touch. You may already know some of the answer to this, but you need to work through and resolve this issue before you ever even consider continuing this relationship with your fiance.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
This is not normal behavior! You love, care for, and adore your fianc?, yet you cannot stand the thought of intimacy with him? I don't get it? Appearently, you have had sex with him befor now, what has changed? Now, for some reason, you don't even want to kiss him? Something in your mind is telling you, warning you, that this is not normal???

You need to seek professional help, and S.T.A.T.!!!

You need to see a therapist, or counselor, befor you marry your fianc?! There is no man who wants to enter into a sexless marriage! Put yourself in your fianc?'s shoes, would you want to marry someone who didn't even want to kiss you? I think not? No, I know not!!! No one would! Go see a therapist. Help yourself, and your fianc?.

Perhaps one of the connections in your brain has slipped off track? Counselling is your best option to fixing this problem.

I wish you all the best!!!

Dennis
 
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dfromspencer replied to dfromspencer's response:
HaHaHa, I am getting a question mark for my E in FIANCE, whats up with that???
 
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koltov responded:
I would not marry him until you've been to come counseling. If you have no desire for sex it will most probably be a short lived marriage. Those are not normal feelings.
I'm curious; how old are you and your fiance? You might try looking at this link from Mayo Clinic.
Maybe it will give you some ideas on possible medical reasons
 
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reagan1405 replied to amanda42's response:
Hello,

First, I wanted to commend you on your post. This kind of topic is very sensitive and can get all kinds of feed back that you may not like. I think you are brave for wanting to find a solution and putting it out there like that.
Second, I want to say that I think I can understand what you are going through. I have been experiencing similar issues between my husband and myself. A couple of years ago I went to my family doctor and described the situation to him. I was convinced there was something mentally wrong with me but wanted to rule everything out. He sent me to a hormone specialist. I had all of my hormones tested and found out that I have no progesterone and very little testonerone. Both are key to a woman's sex drive and comfort level with it. And on top of that I have a binding agent(normal in low levels) in my blood that was sky high(One cause of this can be birth control). That meant the binding chemical was binding with my hormones and taking them away so they were even getting to where they needed to go to help. My doctor put me on topically applied hormones and I have gone off my birth control to try and help the situation(it can take over a year to lower the binding chemical). I have been off of birth control almost a year now and it is helping. But what most men and even a lot of women don't realize is that there is so much that goes into a woman's sex drive. Weight, self worth, hormones, stress, depression(nor no depression), time of the month, perscription drugs, alcohol consumption, your past sexual experience, and the quality of relationship you have with your partner. I hesitate to give advice because it may not work for you I just want to share my experience. Not only is mine medical but I am in therapy as well and together I am working toward a better outcome. I am thankful that my husband has been so understanding, and patient. Let me know if you have any questions. I want to help if I can.
 
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kjljr1 replied to 2muchluv4u2nite's response:
I don't know where you see the first part of your first sentence in the Bible. I've never heard of such foolishness as that.
 
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johnnydavid responded:
I beg you both to put any wedding plans on the back burner. Both of you need to go to a counselor/psychologist for counseling. This issue will totally ruin any union between you both. I am not pointing blame at either one of you, of course sexual/physical desire differs in each of us, but this marriage is headed for unfaithfulness, and or divorce. Please seek counseling.
john
 
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PaulMW replied to 2muchluv4u2nite's response:
It is PERVERTS such as 2muchluv4u2nite that cause many psychological problems in otherwise healthy people. God created us with an enjoyment of sex. If God didn't want us to enjoy sex, why would God have built it into us? God is not stupid, vain or possessive as 2muchluv4u2nite implies. Love of spouse and children does not dilute, nullify or damage our relationship with the Lord.
A healthy relationship includes communication, trust, honesty and SEX. God built us this way. If you don't like what God has done, complain to him. But don't try to convince anybody else that God makes mistakes. Calling the enjoyment of sex "abominations" is a reflection on one idiot who isn't in touch with The Lord.
 
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johnnydavid replied to 2muchluv4u2nite's response:
2muchluv4u2nite MY PERSONAL OPINION IS THAT YOU ARE SICK. Sex is given in marriage both for procreation, and enjoyment from both husband and wife. This lady has a serious problem, she love her man and he her, but can not stand to be intimate. For her to "BUCK UP" and let her mate take care of his needs and not caring about her needs is so close to rape isn't funny or spiritual. You God if He is the same as mine, hasn't not given that thought in where in His Word. You are about as understanding as a ROCK, and quite possibly a REAL JERK!
 
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johnnydavid replied to kjljr1's response:
AGREE, kijlijr1. and i love sex with my wife, but if i believed she was not enjoying it equally as much as me on a general rule, i would not enjoy it either. By the way i am a retired pastor.


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