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Sex drive differences
kiana81 posted:
I'm new to the community and really struggling with my relationship and looking for any help. I am in a committed relationship with a man I love very deeply. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and we just had a baby together 5 months ago. We are engaged to be married, but have no concrete plans. We were in a relationship about 10 years ago and things fizzled out...( we have a 9 year age difference, I'm younger) I just was younger and still ready to party and have fun and he wasn't. So fast forward to now, we got back together in June of 2011. Everything was great, he was so excited to see me every night, we had sex probably 5 nights a week, regular and oral. We then went on a cruise in September, the whole 7 days we were gone, he could not get an erection. This had never happened before and left me feeling like I was the problem even though he assured me I was not. Upon returning home, we have never had that problem again. He claims he was stressed about money while on vacation and things this caused his inability to perform. I found out I was pregnant in Feb 2012 and things really caved. I was sick and not in the mood during the beginning and he just quit bothering me. At the end of my pregnancy, I wanted it all the time and he turned me down. This is where the problems started. He began to feel more and more unattractive to him. He never tells me I'm pretty and some days I don't even get a kiss. I have to beg for sex sometimes and it's almost as if i'ts a chore anymore. He tells me he's not my sex toy. He has not performed oral sex on me since before I got pregnant and when I bring it up he says he just doesn't think about it. I don't buy it. I'm hoping someone, maybe a man, can shed some light on what the problem is. When we have sex, it's wonderful....we both are pleasured and he says he is completely happy with me and thinks we have a great relationship and thinks I'm crazy for even complaining about our lack of sex life. I want sex daily, it consumes my thoughts. I understand that it's not feasible with a new baby, but I'm lucky if I get it 1-2 times per week and sometimes not even that. I'm nervous about getting married and this continuing and me not remaining faithful because my sexual urges and needs are so great. I love him so much and just need some advice on how to rectify our relationship. Sorry for the long post, I just need help!!
stevesmw responded:
More alarms going off here than a firehouse.

1. "the whole 7 days we were gone, he could not get an erection"
2. "not in the mood during the beginning and he just quit bothering me.'
3. "He tells me he's not my sex toy".
4. " nervous about getting married and this continuing and me not remaining faithful because my sexual urges and needs are so great"

Counseling is in order.
kiana81 replied to stevesmw's response:
Thanks for your response. I have already started counseling on my own to try and deal with it, however, my therapist wants him to come and join. He is supposed to attend with me today, however, I have a gut feeling he will back out. He really thinks this is all in my head and I'm over needs aren't being met and he doesn't care. It's hurtful.

I do want to add to my original post that I have lost all of my weight from the baby and then some so it's not like hes not attracted to me because I have let myself go.
stevesmw replied to kiana81's response:
The first thing you notice is someone's physical appearance. After you get to know them, who they are and how they act are more important. There are issues between you that need to be discussed. Saying they are not real isn't going to make them go away.
cerenatee responded:
It's funny that usually there are 100 men on this site telling women they're going to lose there husband's if they don't have sex, yet not one man is telling you to leave this man.

Maybe since he's older something is wrong with him but I definitely wouldn't marry him. After marriage when they've "got" you, it only gets worst. You'll be lucky to get it once a month.

Tell him to either get help - a medical exam or counseling if nothing is physically wrong - or you're going to find someone else. Then follow through with it.
stevesmw replied to cerenatee's response:
If you reverse the genders of the original post, your reply is the typical male response.

This is a realtionship problem and they need to be in couples therapy and this should be a prerequisite for them getting married.

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