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Intimacy Fizzled Out
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An_251328 posted:
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now.

Everything in the relationship is great. We share a lot with each other, we enjoy spending time together, we have much in common yet we are still different, and we care about each other very much.

However, back in October 2013, I had genital warts. So I had to remain abstinent until I got the ok sign from my doctor. Finally just last week (the first week of April) my doctor said I was all cleared. I told my boyfriend and he seemed happy for me but something else as well. I couldn't figure it out.

Yesterday I finally asked him if he still felt like being intimate with me and he took awhile to answer Finally he said he wasn't sure. We got into a big discussion that left us with many questions to think about. Basically, what he told me is that he was happy with the relationship while I had to remain abstinent but when I was finally cleared he became worried about finally being able to have sex with me again. He explained he wasn't sure if he wanted to start being intimate again after not being romantic and intimate for so long, and that he wasn't sure why he doesn't want to.

That area is still very grey. I'm just not understanding what could make someone's desire to fizzle out when everything is wonderful.

What are some steps I can take to improve the situation? Are there are recommended books to read?

I just feel very lost.
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fcl responded:
You may have to accept the fact that your bf feels happier with you as a friend than as a lover. There is nothing you can do to "fix" this - you have simply progressed in different directions.

OTOH, he may still be fearful of catching genital warts from you despite what the doctor said (was he with you when you were given the all clear?).

The only thing I can suggest is counselling. Having a third party involved might help him find the answers he is looking for (assuming that he really doesn't know and that it's not just a situation where he doesn't dare tell you the truth).
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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stevesmw responded:
I admit my knowledge regarding stds is very limited. I also assume that your boyfriend likes sex.

I may be completely wrong, but he may be put off that you had warts and is concerned about contracting an std.

If your sex life with him was good, I don't see how a relationship can go backward. If he is your exclusive boyfriend, I can't see why he would want a relationship without intimacy. People may willingly get into a relationship without intimacy. I was in a longish one like that except for a lot of kissing. Once we became intimate and things didn't work out, I couldn't go back to where I started.

Maybe he can. I think you need to have a frank discussion with him.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
There is a very simple answer here, tell him that the only way he can contract these warts, is if they are active! He just needs reassurance. Have your doctor tell him face to face.

That should make him relax, and enjoy having sex with you once again, hopefully?

I wish you all the best!!!

Dennis
 
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winnie83 replied to fcl's response:
Thank you for your reply.

We established that it isn't because he's afraid of catching anything now that I am physically all cleared up.

He told me that during the months we had to remain abstinent he was very happy but that the moment he found out I was all cleared that he felt unsure of what to do next.

Its clear to me and him that we mean a lot to each other.

Just we're both not sure why he feels no need to start being intimate again. Perhaps, you are right, that over the course of the months, we slowly fell into a platonic friendship without really acknowledging it.

I would like to reconnect with him but he's unsure about it.
 
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winnie83 replied to stevesmw's response:
Our sex life prior to my situation was good though it was dwindling down compared to the beginning of the relationship; which I think is normal for any relationship?

We're only seeing each other. I even asked him if he met someone else and he told me that he was not; that he enjoys the time he spends with me.

I'm currently trying to slowly reconnect with him and see how that goes. I know this will sound like an excuse but, maybe, he just became more comfortable with our relationship minus the intimacy.
 
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winnie83 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thank you. But he's aware that he can only get them if they are physically present.

But the issue is more mental and complicated. I'm not ready to give up yet on him.
 
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dfromspencer replied to winnie83's response:
Hi Winnie,

No, don't give up! He has to find his own way back to you, and I am sure he is trying! Just keep talking to him, let him always see you smile. Hopefully, over time, he will see you as his girlfriend once again!

I wish you all the luck in the world!!!

Dennis
 
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Mamihlapinatapai responded:
I think you feel the way you do is because he "just friended" you. It may be time to cut your losses and move on. It could be much worse though: you could have a marriage and kids involved.
The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'
 
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daveswife1959 responded:
Did you get the warts from him? Maybe he thinks you cheated on him
 
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cherizard responded:
Hi there, i'd like to know how you got through the times when you had warts.. How did you feel and what did you do about it?
I have them at the moment unfortunately and I cannot go a day without thinking about it and feeling depressed and upset. I just don't really know how to deal with it.

Also, what do you think is the best thing to do if I ever get together with this boy i've been seeing for a while.. tell him about it? stop before anything happens? I'm just so confused and annoyed!

You answer would help me greatly!


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