Skip to content


    Attention All WebMD Community Members:

    These message boards are closed to posting. Please head on over to our new WebMD Message Boards to check out and participate in the great conversations taking place:

    Help with low libido
    An_251378 posted:
    I am 31 years old and have been married for 7 years. I love my wife more than anything in they world. For almost all of our marriage I have had low libido. Sex is a very low priority to me but not my wife. It's been 3 months since we've had sex. I very much enjoy sex when we do have it, but I'm hardly ever in the mood. I've been overweight for a few years and just don't feel in the mood. I know that it bothers my wife and she thinks that I am not attracted to her. She has brought this up several times in the past and I get upset and try a few vitamins and supplements to try to boost my libido but after a few days I go back to my old ways. I ger nervous during foreplay and I'm afraid that I am not turning her on. In the past I have had trouble keeping an erection because I'm too busy wondering if she's into it. To me it just seems more of a chore than something that I can enjoy. We had another argument about it last night and she said that she isn't sure if she's deeply in love with me anymore. She says she doesn't know if she will want to have sex with me anymore. She said she almost kicked me out a few nights ago. I told her I didn't know what to do but I am willing to do anything to "get fixed". However like in the past she says its my problem and I have to deal with it. She says she can't help me. I told her I don't know to even begin looking for help. But she won't help me. She says she's not my mom and can't fix it for me. So I don't know what to do. I know that I am a good husband and father in all the other ways. I sign understand why sex has to be such a big part in a relationship. I'm fine without sex but I know she is not. I just want to make her happy. I have been getting depressed lately because I know it is such a big deal to her. And it seems like the more pressure I have put on me the less I can do about it. I feel like if I could just cut my brain off and have sex then I would be ok. She's the one that tells me she's in the mood. She expects me to be the one to start but unless she is horny to begin with I don't feel like even bothering with it. I'm embarrassed to discuss it with anyone. I thought about going to the dr and asking for an ED medication and get my hormone levels tested but I don't know. I don't know what to do and I feel like I'm all alone. I have to do something. i don't want to lose my family because of this. Any ideas??
    queston responded:
    I'm a man, and generally on the other side of the mis-matched libido equation, so that's where I'm coming from.

    A few ideas...

    1. See your doctor. Tell him/her that you have had low libido for many years and it is damaging your marriage. Ask to have your testosterone levels checked and have a full physical workup.

    2. So, it feels like sortof a chore sometimes. Aren't there other things you do for your wife that feel like sortof a chore sometimes, too? Like maybe making nice with your inlaws, or vacuuming the house, or going to that play she really wants to see or whatever. Can you try thinking about sex as something that makes her happy, and therefore will make you happier, too? You know, happy wife, happy life.

    3. Like anything else, if you do it more, you are likely to find that you have less anxiety about it, that you get, for lack of abetter term, better at it, and that you start enjoying it more. There's no harm in at least test this theory, right?

    4. If keeping your erection is a concern, try to make your lovemaking less about your penis and more about all the other ways you can bring pleasure to your wife. Heck, you might even be perfect satisfied to bring her to orgasm with your hand, your tongue, toys, whatever, and not even have intercourse. That's an orgasm for her and no pressure for you--win win.
    stevesmw responded:
    Men are expected to be in the mood all the time.
    If your partner defines sex as intercourse and you have ED issues it's tough. If your partner welcomes any kind of sexual activity, you can be successful. An erection is not required to satisfy a woman. There is no excuse for avoiding sexual activity.

    I get a lot of satisfaction from pleasuring a woman. Listening to and feeling her response. Take direction during love making. Even for the most expert lover, it's easier to control your fingers than your penis. Her arousal may trigger your arousal. Make sure that she knows that you are ready to pleasure her any time.

    Keep telling her you want to pleasure her, then the ball is in her court. The better you pleasure her the more she will be interested.
    dfromspencer responded:
    You have worried yourself into this low libido, stop worrying. The only thing you should be thinking when pleasuring your wife, is just that, how pleasurable is it for her? If she's not moaning, groaning, sighing, moving against you, then you are not doing it right. Stop worrying, that is the main thing!

    You need to see your doctor, have them do all the blood tests, and if need be, see the urologist. You have to buck up, tell the doctor everything you just posted here. Don't worry, they have heard it all by now, so do not be embarrassed!!!

    You are NOT alone, I've had ed since I was in my mid twenty's, and I am 54 now. I take Levitra, and it works amazingly well!!!

    Go see that doctor, and if you do what they suggest, you will surly keep you family!!!

    I wish you all the best!!!

    An_251378 replied to Nali_siu's response:
    I think you've nailed it. I'm just gonna have to quit worrying. Worrying is a family trait for me. I have a pleaser personality like my mother. Making people I love happy is what makes me happy. I asked my wife if she wanted to have sex last night and she said she wasn't ready yet. So I guess my best move is to keep asking very few nights and then keep it up after she says yes.
    An_253990 replied to An_251378's response:

    Hope your situation has turned around in the past 7 months, as the advice given on this thread was spot on. I've just signed onto wedmd to respond to this Q.

    My husband of just 1 year, I believe has a low sex drive.. We talk about it often as I am generally the one pissed off about, especially now that we are trying to conceive.

    I tell him every single time we discuss the issue, to stop worrying and start focusing on pleasuring me. When we do have sex I never get to orgasm and this is another thing that is pissing me off. The one time we do it, he gets off and I don't!!

    I have repeatedly told him to create some romance, pleasuring me manually or with a toy and he says he's up for it but nothing ever happens.

    Obviously, for your wife after 7 years resentment and anger has built up and believe me this will trickle down into other issues. She is supposed to be your best friend, talk to her and focus on her ... Make it all about her! This is what I would want .

    Doing nothing is not going to change anything and in fact will make things worse, doing something, showing some effort will make a big difference.

    Question ... Awesome advice!!!
    dfromspencer replied to An_253990's response:
    Hi, welcome to the site!!! Please feel free to post as much as you like! Also, feel free to help anyone you want to! THAT, is what this site is all about! Helping yourself, and others!

    I love this site, it has helped me in so many different ways, I couldn't begin to explain! I hope you come to love it as well?!

    Remember, the only stupid question, is the one not asked! LOL!!!

    Again, welcome to this site, please enjoy it!!!!!!

    sluggo45692 replied to An_253990's response:
    Like Dennis said, Welcome. You said you've been married for a year and trying to conceive. I don't think you husband has low sex drive, but low knowledge. He may not know how to please you. I'm assuming your a very young couple. Take the bull by the horn and show him. If you want a toy get one and show him where to use it at. Tell him what you want romanced and kissed.

    Believe me not all men are taught or have learned to please a woman. Give him a book of positions and make him read it. It's not porn, It's an education. Read it together and try the ones you like out. If you both nervous about touching each other, give each other a shower and massage. Wash all the dirty away and feel the wonder of each other.

    Sounds like your already talking, so back it up with actions and have fun doing "it". Good Luck
    whimpect responded:
    Hello An_251378,

    It is very important for you to know the root cause of your problems, and I believe most of your questions could only be answered by a doctor.

    You said you have been overweight and have low sexual libido. I believe if you really want to work things out for your marriage then you too should try your best to change the situation. You can begin losing some weight by switching to an active lifestyle and healthy living. Or your problem could also be psychological which might need some therapy or counselling. You doctor might also check you for signs of low-T. Most importantly, think positive. There are also natural supplements out there you can try for yourself to improve your sexual and overall health.

    Try reading this article

    The most important thing to remember is do not lose hope. Keep trying to improve yourself and have a constant open communication with your partner to resolve issues.
    An_250150 replied to whimpect's response:
    talk to your doctor about trimix injection.

    Helpful Tips

    wallgreens lol seriously
    I went on wallgreens looking for a curling iron. and i found some toys.. and inexpensive.. lol... i was lol... came in a box, very discreet ... More
    Was this Helpful?
    0 of 0 found this helpful

    Related Drug Reviews

    • Drug Name User Reviews

    Report Problems With Your Medications to the FDA

    FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.

    For more information, visit Dr. Becker-Phelps' website