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Sex drive faded, faded, and is now basically gone, should I be panicking?
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An_251812 posted:
Sorry, if this is long, but I'm at my wit's end! Over the past 3 years I've felt my sex drive slowly diminish, and now I feel that it is completely gone. To make things worse: My boyfriend, while still caring and sweet, has started giving up on trying to initiate sex with me. We do it once, or maybe twice a month (only he initiates), even though I know he wants to do it way more often. I don't physically miss the sex, but now I feel like he doesn't desire me or isn't attracted to me any more!

The Issue: Before being with my latest boyfriend, I was noticing that whereas I would feel the urge to masturbate at least once every week or so, it had slowly dropped to maybe once every 2 months, and I was starting to worry that my sex drive was vanishing. When I started the relationship with my now boyfriend I was relieved that my sex drive was suddenly back! I wanted to do it pretty much every time we were together. But then over the first 3 to 5 months of our relationship, it all faded away again (for me only) and now I feel like I just don't want to do it at all. I haven't even tried to masturbate within the past 4 months, and the last 3 times I tried, I wasn't able to even really get close to an orgasm, and just got frustrated and gave up. I feel like I just hate my stupid body sometimes!

Medication: I am not on any medication except for the same progestin-only Birth control pill which I've been on for 15 years, so I don't see how that could be the cause.

Stress/depression: Despite having a few months of stressful times finishing up grad school I feel stress or depression has not been a serious issue. For example, just a month ago, my boyfriend of 1.5 years and I spent 2 weeks in Italy. It was the most relaxing/enjoyable 2 weeks I've had in a long time, yet at no point did I feel any desire to have sex at all (my boyfriend sure did though).

Health: I'm a 31 y/o female. I have put on a little bit of weight in the past year and a half or so, but my BMI is still well below 25. I'm a bit self-concious about how it all seemed to go to my waistline which now sticks out quite a bit more than I would like. My boyfriend doesn't say anything about it, even when I question him directly about it (he just says I look "beautiful", I can never get him to say anything else, which is a bit frustrating).

Relationship: I feel the relationship I'm in now is the best I've ever had. For the first time ever, I feel I've met someone that is so sweet and amazing that I just can't (or don't) want to imagine the rest of my life without him. In fact, I feel the only issue we have is our flailing sex life. It's perhaps made worse by the fact that my boyfriend has a super-high sex drive and wants sex every 2-3 days.

I just feel so frustrated and angry with my body; like now that I've finally found the perfect relationship it's working to tear it apart from the bottom-up. I'm just so lost and confused! What can I do? Is this going to tear my relationship apart?
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stevesmw responded:
From a male perspective, I have a hard time relating to not being in the mood or not having the urge for sex. A lot of people don't have the urge to workout but do it anyway because it's good for them.

I can understand that if sexual activity is unsatisfying and therefore frustrating. If you are capable or orgasming why not have one. Kissing and foreplay should increase your interest.
Lovemaking should be pleasurable and why not feel pleasure.
If you wait until you are in the mood, you might be waiting a long time; use it or lose it.

When I was still in my sexual prime, I had a girlfriend who was my sexual soul mate. After x days of lovemaking she would say "i'm good but go ahead." At some point I would say I'm good too and we would take a day off. Ideally for me, I would make love twice a day six days a week. If there's no discomfort for both partners and nothing else is pressing, why turn down pleasure?
 
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An_251812 replied to stevesmw's response:
That's the whole issue I suppose. I seem to have completely lost the ability to orgasm, with or without my partner (I haven't had one in close to a year). The ironic thing is that in my early 20s, I had no problem reaching multiple orgasms all the time, so I definitely know what I am missing now. The kissing/cuddling is great and makes me feel loved, but doesn't do anything for arousal.

Having sex without any arousal on my behalf (which is what we've been occasionally doing for the past half year) is not painful per se, but it's mostly just grueling to get through. When we're doing it, I really just want it to be over as quickly as possible.

I'm scared I'm going to be stuck this way forever, and that it's going to be a damper on my relationship. If you don't use it you lose it, then I'm scared I might have already lost it, and can't get it back!
 
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stevesmw replied to An_251812's response:
First thing, get medical advice. I don't know how up to speed doctors are regarding sex, but it's a starting point.

Work on your sexual response by yourself. I'm not a big fan of vibrators, but if you don't use one you should give it a try.
Take your time and be patient. Trying to hard can be counter productive.

One of the things your boyfriend wants to hear, is that you are working on the problem. I don't know your boyfriends preferences, but oral or manual stimulation which may be more comfortable for you than intercourse is an alternative. Lovers like to give and if you are giving you should feel better about the situation.
Your boyfriend should want to pleasure you, if he can't sexually pleasure you through oral or manual stimulation, he can give you back rubs or massages if you enjoy them.

A woman's sexual desire is much more hormonally based than a man and that's something a doctor will look at. Things may get better for you as you get older, but it is important for you to improve things now.
 
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tmlmtlrl responded:
Why have you been on the same birth control for 15 years? And how can you just skate over that like it wouldn't have an impact on you?

Your body changes over time, your birth control didn't. That makes for the possibility of it being a contributing factor. Have you spoken to your doctor about any of this?

Do you exercise regularly or are you willing to try? Exercise has many benefits and one of those being increased sex drive.

You went to Italy and didn't feel like having sex???? That right there calls for a trip to the doctor!! Lol! Seriously tho, please talk to your doctor. It's not time to give up.
 
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An_251812 replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
I meant to say I've been on the same type of birth control for the past 15 years (progestin-only) although I've used a few different brands (there were no noticeable differences between them).

I only (perhaps prematurely) ruled it out as a possible cause because I've been using it for so long without any issues, and the problems have only started within the past 3 years. I have read about women saying that the kind of birth control I use has been known to reduce libido, though.

I guess there's really no way around it, except to ask my doctor. I'll have to schedule an appointment and just hope for the best. Thank you everyone.
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to An_251812's response:
Yeah, at the very least you could switch your birth control.

There was one kind I took that after a couple months I noticed that there was nothing in the way of sexual desire. I always have had a high sex drive, and there was suddenly "nothing". It's hard to explain past that. I never knew how people could have no libido until then. I switched bc and things went back to normal for me. I hope it can be that easy for you also! Good luck.
 
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queston replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
A couple things...

Just as an aside, I (a man) LOLed at this sentence: "...my boyfriend has a super-high sex drive and wants sex every 2-3 days"

My wife has experienced a fairly drastic libido decline in her 40s. I can relate to your boyfriend "giving up." Our mismatched libidos were almost literally driving me insane. I was consumed by my sexual frustration. I was able to cope with that by adjusting my attitude: we're going to have sex sometimes, not nearly as often as I'd like, but sometimes, and I am not the one in control of that. (Nothing will drive you crazy like obsessing over something that is not in your control.) So I backed off. I made it (and continue to make it) clear that I enjoy sex with her and would like it more often, but I accept that that's not in the cards so I'm not going to push. I suspect that that's what your boyfriend is doing as well. He hasn't stopped desiring you--he's just protecting his mental well-being.
Also, when you do have sex, is it satisfying and enjoyable for you? For him? Sometimes, I think people can "just do it" in spite of maybe not feeling terribly "in the mood." Often just having sex makes you think about and desire sex more.
Definitely speak to your Dr.. about the BC pills and other possible hormonal issues, though.
 
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queston replied to queston's response:
Meant as a reply to the OP, obviously.


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