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Why Am I So Unhappy In My Marriage
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An_251863 posted:
OK - so I'm 44. Been married for 20 years this Aug. He's 11 years older than me. He's a good guy, not abusive, works hard (big things I sort of take charge of so I dont have to constantly remind him of), he pulls his weight and more with chores, he loves me UNCONDITIONALLY, everyone likes him, he's not controlling yet I feel held back, unenthused, distant and for the past 2 years have been thinking of leaving. I've been to Drs, been on meds talked to him about EVERYTHING but am in constant limbo. I've looked online to move. I feel like I have this idea of what I want (it's not him) but is it all smoke and mirrors (an impossible, far fetched dream)? Fear is now keeping me from moving on...is whats out there better? Am I a selfish fool? Am I just going through a mid-life crisis? How long will this last?
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georgiagail responded:
No; what's out there ISN"T better.

It's just more lonely.

Sounds like your fellow might be a bit TOO nice to you and you're bored with him. It happens to lots of couples.

You do realize you're ripe for an affair, don't you.

Gail
 
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stevesmw responded:
Time to have some fun. Get out of the rut. He may be as bored with you as you are with him. Any husband will say how much he loves his wife whether he means it or not.

Communicate your needs and let him communicate his.
 
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ASHealth replied to georgiagail's response:
yeah I know... He is too nice but complacent too...we've talked about EVERYTHING and nothing changes - even went to a weekend retreat to work on things...
 
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georgiagail replied to ASHealth's response:
So...what do you want to change?

Gail
 
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ASHealth replied to georgiagail's response:
I want to feel like a wife, not a sibling, i miss passion but admit im not really attracted to him anymore even though i miss sex and that connection. I miss feeling sexy, I miss adventure and teamwork (I make most decisions because he has no opinion). i want 'big girl' things ... culture, maturity and conradory. too much to expect i guess
 
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georgiagail replied to ASHealth's response:
What you really want is to have a husband who isn't so nice, friendly and a pushover to you. You do not respect him any longer because he's a nice guy. Because (as you state) he loves you UNCONDITIONALLY, you have no fear he will leave you.

Interestingly enough, if he knocked you around a bit you might find him more attractive. This would awake some passion in you although it would be the wrong kind and could easily escalate to a dangerous state.

This is why you are, again, ripe for an affair.

Gail
 
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ASHealth replied to georgiagail's response:
Dam, That sounds a bit cold and doesn't sound so healthy - I wan't someone who isn't so nice...gezzz I DO WANT NICE, I just want awake too. Awake to my needs as a woman and a wife. Not someone who is mean.
 
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rhondamay replied to ASHealth's response:
At about your age I felt my relationship was at a plateau and that it had somehow lost it's spark, my kids were leaving home, my nest was empty and my guy was dependable and loving but too damn predictable and not as exciting as he had been earlier. I went to his home office where he was working late one evening and stood in front of him in my birthday suit and took his hand and led him to the bedroom and whispered in his ear that I was going to screw his brains out and would keep on doing it as a new era was now beginning for us. It was time to turn the page put our romance front and center.

Now twelve years later everything is still exciting and our sex life is amazing. Give him a positive wakeup call. We all get in ruts. You have a good thing, don't ruin it by straying. Straying will give you momentary excitement and years of regret!
 
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ZMad1103 replied to rhondamay's response:
Now THATS the answer I was hoping someone would say. ASHealth. It might seem like you have to do all the work but it sounds like you both have become complacent in the years of being together. Even he doesnt share much of his thoughts and opinions because they are the same, and as Georgiagail has been saying you are at risk for an affair. So have one...with HIM. I have always had the philosophy of never waiting for someone to bring me flowers..I grow my own garden. You want to feel sexy again, well do so and do so in a way that he cant miss it and will come out of his own complacency!

Good answer Rhondamay!!!!
 
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ASHealth replied to rhondamay's response:
Back when I still had a glimmer of hope I bought sexy items to wear, tried sex talk, tried to be seductive then later I completely broke down and told him 100% how I felt...cried the whole bit. I thought he'd wake up...nothing changed.
I surprised him with a long weekend away, packed his bag, told his boss so he could have off...again, nothing changed.
Every now and then I break down, and he says he sees my pain but nothing changes.
It can't be one sided romance or passion...I can't be the leader all the time...can I? Well, seeing the way I feel I guess not.
Fear is what is holding me in limbo...just not sure how long fear will control me.
 
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ASHealth replied to ZMad1103's response:
Back when I still had a glimmer of hope I bought sexy items to wear, tried sex talk, tried to be seductive then later I completely broke down and told him 100% how I felt...cried the whole bit. I thought he'd wake up...nothing changed.
He doesnt share opinions because I truly dont think he cares to have any. It's easier for me to decide all the time...that I hate.
I surprised him with a long weekend away, packed his bag, told his boss so he could have off...again, nothing changed.
Every now and then I break down, and he says he sees my pain but nothing changes.
It can't be one sided romance or passion...I can't be the leader all the time...can I? Well, seeing the way I feel I guess not.
Fear is what is holding me in limbo...just not sure how long fear will control me.
 
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dfromspencer replied to ASHealth's response:
Whatever you do, tell your husband first. If you decide to leave him, at least tell him first. If, and I hope you never do, decide to have an affair, tell your hubby first.

My feeling from all of this is, YOU BOTH NEED COUNCELLING!!! You both lack any communication skills, appearently. Everyone goes through something like this in a long term situation, how you communicate your feelings and desires is a key to happiness. You need to effectively communicate your feelings, wants, needs and desires to him, or, you may as well leave, nothing will change, if you both are not willing to give a little.

Try again. Tell him, in no uncertain terms, just what it is you want from him, and do not take "ok" for an answer. Make him give you a commitment. Both of you need to talk to each other more often. Don't let him get away with complacency, demand that he help make decisions. Get him more involved in the marriage again!!!

Hopefully, he will come around!!!

Dennis
 
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Rock_Knutne responded:
Lots of good advice here.

Counseling is definitely the way to begin (especially if children are part of the equation).
They're worth the effort despite all the nonsense out there about 'The kids will be happier if you're happier'. (I could go on a whole rant here but will save it for another thread)

georgiagail is right on when she says what's out there isn't better "it's just more lonely" and "you're ripe for an affair".

Maybe you're actually here to get a kind of ok to step out on him.

Big, big mistake.

DfromSpencer has it right as well.

Be up front and honest. In fact, be an adult and at least treat the man you at one time loved with the respect and dignity he deserves. After all, you yourself said "he's a good guy, pulls his weight...and loves you UNCONDITIONALLY"

Rhondamay and ZMad also have some advice that's at least worth a try.
Take the initiative and see if that doesn't re-spark something in you.

Although your story changed/evolved a little in later posts (he doesn't sound like such a good guy that loves you UNCONDITIONALLY if he sees your pain but doesn't change...doesn't respond to romantic weekends and sexy lingerie), it sounds like you've tried quite a few things.

If you've done all these things and are still at this point you need to discuss leaving with a counselor and then discuss it in front of the counselor with your husband in tow.

It's the adult way to separate. There may still be pain but it won't be the never ending type that brings anger along for the ride that an affair most usually does.

Good luck.
 
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ASHealth replied to dfromspencer's response:
I HAVE told him...over and over If a wife goes to her husband in tears pouring her heart out and that doesn't change anything except prompt more instructions, then you go for counseling and he thinks he doesn't need it (he went with me a few times) - its all her, I've taken meds (and am now back on them), then you go on a weekend retreat to help communicate and put things on the table and you both agree you 100% know where you are and for the past 2 years you see you have been living as "friends". I tried stopping all the decision making or even doing my share around the house but it didn't matter. I'm lost now and scared...but think it is time to move on.


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