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How do I save my marriage
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An_251378 posted:
My wife and I have a great relationship outside of sex. We've been married for 7 years and I feel the same way I do about her as I did when we were first married. But we've had problems in the bedroom pretty much the entire time. I'm the submissive one. I try to make and keep people happy. I can't help it, it's just who I am. We haven't had sex regularly ever. She always had to initiate. And if she didn't, then we wouldn't have sex. She always just takes her clothes off, lies on the bed and expects me to turn her on. to me thats a lot of pressure. I worry if shes enjoying it or if doing it right. I started worrying about it so much when we were in foreplay that i started having problems getting or keeping am erection. She would get mad or aggravated and i started thinking its not even worth the trouble. She would seem happy and not make me feel insecure if we just didn't even try. So we started having sex less and less. Then I became overweight and started feeling bad a lot of the time. Then we had even less sex. Now it's been 5 months since we've had sex.

She got upset and told me how she felt and talked about leaving if something didn't change. I told her I would do whatever I could to make it work and I asked her what I could do. She said it was my problem and that I had to get it fixed on my own and that she couldn't help me because she isn't my mother. She said she doesn't have sexual desire for me like she should. So I didn't know what to do. I thought maybe I have low libido because I'm out of shape. So I started eating healthier and exercising a little and now I feel better. But she's in taking classes for a masters degree and we haven't seen each other much. I felt like she didn't even want to be around me because she was ill whenever she was home.

Well last week I came home and she was upset and crying because she didn't want to get a divorce. I don't either. That's the last thing that I want. She started being more affectionate and it made us both feel better. We started holding hands again and being around each other more instead of going to separate rooms after our son goes to bed.

I started getting a little more confidence and told her I wanted to have sex. So she finished her class and took her clothes off and laid down. I started the same process that I always do. I started kissing her neck then mouth and squeezed her breasts. Then I started rubbing her clit but it was dry as could be. I wasn't having any problems with an erection but I could tell she wasn't enjoying it. So I asked her if she was ok. She got ill and said that what I was doing wasn't getting the job done. She said I was too predictable and she was bored. She asked me if i thought she is a delicate flower because Im not passionate. I have no idea what to do to change things up. I started to go down on her but she said i couldn't because she was sweaty. She didn't want too have sex with me and had no desire to. She said the only reason she did haven't left was our son. She said she thought she was plain enough when we talked about it last month. She said I have a problem and need to get it fixed. She said I don't feel passionate about her and the only time I felt passionate during sex is when I'm drunk or when we were trying to get pregnant. And that it took her getting upset last week for me to start showing her affection.

We talked and felt worse and worse. I had been horny all day but when it came time for my opportunity I blew it. After all that I was thinking I would have been better off not even trying. I don't know what to do. I love her and I love my family. I want to have sex with her. She expects me to take control but I don't know what to do. This morning she woke me up and cuddled with me and said she still loves me and that we need to get closer before we try having sex again. i told her to not give up on me and that im trying. She said she knows. What do I do??
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stevesmw responded:
I can assume that both of you were inexperienced sexually before getting married.

To me, making love is giving and receiving pleasure. I believe your wife considers it as an affirmation of your physical attraction to her. This relationship will require considerable ego stroking, so get to work. Be very affectionate, many kisses and hugs and after a while see how she responds to being groped.

You need to talk to her again about what turns her on and what she enjoys when making love. Once you can up with a variety of scripts you can be more or less spontaneous.

Lying there is a huge turnoff. The message is your on your own and you better get it right. Lovemaking is a collaborative process.
 
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An_251378 replied to stevesmw's response:
Yes. I had been with 2 women and she had been with 2 men when we got married. I am going to try to get closer to her so we can reconnect. We've already started hugging and giving pecks on the lips when we see each other. I'm going to start sitting on the couch with her instead of in my recliner.

Whether she realizes it or not, I think my main problem is that I don't know what she likes or wants. And when I do the wrong thing and she doesn't respond acceptingly it gets in my head and makes me feel inadequate. I used to think that it really wasn't fair that she would come to me wanting sex and then expect me to be up and ready to go. I need to talk to her and ask her what she enjoys as a part of foreplay. My favorite part is giving her oral but most of the time she doesn't let me because its right before she takes a bath and she feels that she's dirty. We always do it with her on top because she told me its the only way that she can climax.
 
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stevesmw replied to An_251378's response:
I can relate to your situation. As far as oral sex is concerned, she either has a problem with it or she's trying to be considerate. If she makes an excuse, tell her you don't mind.
My wife to be had been sexually active for more than 10 years and never had an orgasm. First time we made love, I performed oral sex on her after I orgasmed, so there was semen and blood from her period. I made a vampire joke and went ahead. She probably orgasmed for an hour.

I've only had two long term lovers and both were good at giving directions. Regarding the clitoris, they both preferred indirect stimulation. Lack of natural lubrication means a lubricant should be used. For me, the more the better. When my wife wants sex she wants it for a long time and there is no point either of you feeling discomfort. I prefer to give manual stimulation which allows your mouth to do other things and you are in a more natural love making position than when performing oral sex. If you aren't using a vibrator, consider it. More things your wife is open to, the more her possible enjoyment. Lovemaking is wonderful and the more you think about it and communicate the better.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Dude, you need to be more aggressive!!! Next time she walks thru that door, take her in your arms, and tell her that, you are going to f--k her brains out!!! Then march her butt to the bedroom, rip her clothes off, and do what you know you should be doing, and make her come!!!

If at any point in this she stops you, then ask her how she likes it? Tell her that, if I don't know what pleasures you, how can I make you happy? You have to tell me what you like!!! Tell her that, we men are NOT mind readers, and we need your cooperation! This is supposed to be a together thing! We are both supposed to have sex at the same time, not just me pleasuring you! So, get with it babe, lets go!!!

With any luck, she will cooperate with you, and you both can enjoy sex, again!!!

Good luck!!!

Dennis
 
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An_251378 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Ok so I've been looking at articles all week and think I have performance anxiety. Last night after my wife puts our son to bed, I'm on the computer and she comes in without any panties and motions for me to come with her to the bedroom. I wasn't horny at all and couldn't get that way. Like always she takes the rest of her clothes off and crawls into bed. I'm immediately thinking, "get horny, get horny". I remembered from earlier in the week that she wants me to change things up so I start kissing her neck. I couldn't get an erection. So I ask her what she likes and she looks puzzled and says "I dont know". So I ask her to come lay with me and she says "why". At this point I'm thinking its a lost cause. But I ask if I can give her a massage. She turns around and I start rubbing her shoulders but I feel nothing. After a while of this I tell her that I don't know what my problem is tonight and that I've been horny all week but for some reason tonight, I'm not. She said she's getting in the shower. I sit there and feel embarrassed and mad at myself.

What is my problem? I don't think even watching porn last night would've given me an erection. I just wasn't feeling it. She said she was tired when I came home and I guess I just wasn't "ready" for sex last night. But I should've became horny when she motioned for me to come with her to the bedroom.

I think I'm going to the walk in clinic this weekend and get my hormones checked and ask if there's any medication he could prescribe.
 
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fcl replied to An_251378's response:
OK, take it from me - you're overthinking all of this. It's perfectly for you to try something and for your wife to not respond - you're not expected to get it right first time and we women KNOW this Yes, it works like magic in porn but porn isn't real life. Far from it.

Asking her what she likes isn't always fruitful because she may not know what she likes - this is the fun trial-and-error part of love-making. It helps you home in on what she really does like.

Rather than going for the jump start, try warming her up gently and (above all) very slowly. There are very few women who don't enjoy prolonged foreplay.

Don't question her about what she wants, what she likes, rather take the lead. Start by kissing ... start with the lips and then explore further. Try 3 or 4 of the suggestions here http://www.sexinfo101.com/fp_kissing.shtml and no more. Don't over diversify. Learn to do a few things WELL and then move on to more.

Learn how to give her good oral. Here are the basics http://www.sexinfo101.com/pw_cunnilingus.shtml . Please do the exercises and do NOT move on to the advanced chapter until you feel comfortable with these.

Master the basics of sensual massage and take one evening, one full evening where you treat her to a full body sensual massage ... and nothing else (other than kissing , see above) http://www.sexinfo101.com/sensualmassage.shtml . Make her WANT you.

Finally, do not be afraid to ask her for what you want. Hey, just a minute do you know what you want? Have you ever asked her to sit between your legs and masturbate you? IT can be an extremely erotic experience for both of you. Need some ideas? Have a look at some of these http://www.handjobadvice.com/washing-machine-hand-job.html . Choose one and ask her to do it - don't show her the video, explain lovingly what you would like and how you want her to proceed.

Above all, communicate. Also, be prepared to plan ahead.

Good luck and keep us posted.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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bhs00 replied to fcl's response:
I just don't know what I do that's different when I've been drinking except I'm horny and she can probably tell. Do I need to just get a buzz for a while and try to have sex with her? And then try to remember what she likes? It's just hard to do when she expects me to instantly be turned on when she gets naked and expects me to get her horny. It's hard to get her in the mood when I'm not in the mood. I guess I could look at porn while she's putting our son to bed and hopefully be in the mood.

I told her that I'm going to the doctor to get my levels checked. It's aggravating because I'm horny all day when I think about her sexually at work, but not when I get the opportunity for the real thing.
 
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fcl replied to bhs00's response:
You don't need to remember what she likes - just learn a few good moves and use them to touch her until you get horny. This is where learning about different ways of kissing can help. Depending on what you're kissing and how you'll get aroused ...

I'm not sure you'll find much wrong with your hormone levels if you're horny all day but not when she gets home. I think it's a mind over matter problem. Stop obsessing and try to actually enjoy the contact, the intimacy. Sex is supposed to be fun, not an ordeal.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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fcl replied to fcl's response:
PS - (I've just read through your posts again) Have you considered counselling? Both of you. Your wife seems to think that:

  1. you're a mind reader
  2. she has nothing to do but lie there
I think it's fair to say that the first is not true and the second is totally unreasonable. If she wants a fun sex life she needs to stop emasculating you - it almost seems as if she's out to prove that you are useless in bed when the truth appears to be that she's hardly a sexpot ...

Soooo ... how about counselling to at least work out this kind of issue and learn to communicate effectively?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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An_251378 replied to fcl's response:
So here is my latest update. Thursday afternoon I sent her a text that I wanted to cuddle that night. Because we never do. After she put our son to bed she came to see me naked. She did the same routine of laying down on the bed and waited for me to do something. I wasn't horny this time at all. I was nervous and worried. I tried to get an erection. I have her a massage but my heart wasnt in it. She huffed and eventually I have up and said I couldn't. She was aggravated and I was mad at myself. Over the weekend I took her out to see a movie, just us. I wanted to hold her hand and I felt like a teenager again and couldn't. I patted her thigh a few times. But I was nervous the entire time. I just feel like she doesn't want me to touch her. I'm pretty sure she does but it's all in my head. I decided I would either get my hormones checked or go see a marriage counselor for myself. But I can't find any in my area that accepts insurance. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I might have depression, sexual anxiety, ED, low testosterone, or OCD. When I get around her I get nervous and don't know what to do. I want to make this work and I need help but I don't know where to start. I feel like I got lazy sexually in our marriage a few years ago and now I struggle in the bedroom. What should I do? Pay the $90 sessions at a counselor and go to a walk in clinic and ask to get my hormones checked and talk to the Dr and see if they will prescribe some anxiety medication?
 
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stevesmw replied to An_251378's response:
You're a mess. Having performance anxiety over holding hands. See a therapist that does individual and couples counseling. Money seems to be an issue, but it is worth it to be less miserable. You need to discuss your issues one on one and then either work on your communication skills or get in couples counseling.

I've been married for 32 years and consider myself a loving, rational person. My wife has PTSD and has been in and out of therapy for over 20 years. For the last so many years she quit therapy and was saying that I'm the one that needs a therapist
and I was senile. After a period of nasty arguments, I found a therapist that specialized in dementia screening and relationship counseling. After some sessions, my therapist said that I had no dementia issues and we worked on communication skills to defuse arguments. My wife wanted me to stop seeing my therapist (maybe she felt insecure). I got some good tools and was able to stomp on her issue about me needing to being in therapy.
Money well spent. Our arguments are less frequent and over more quickly.

Your wife's behavior certainly isn't helping the situation and you need to do a lot better job of communicating with her. You said cuddle and her expectations were for something else.
Take responsibility for the problem and tell her you will do whatever it takes to make things right.
 
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An_251378 replied to stevesmw's response:
Yea I know I'm messed up. Money is not a big issue but $90 a week could add up very fast. I called the place back and booked an appointment for next week. There is another place that accepts our insurance but they must meet for 2 hours in the first session and the first available session for this is the third week in June.

Ive taken complete responsibility for my problem in the past and I've told her that i would do whatever it takes to fix it. When I had my problem the time before last she told me that this was pushing her towards divorce. I feel like I'm put on the spot every time we try to have sex. I've tried to tell her that my problem is that I want to please her sexually and I stress out about it so bad that I can't perform. And I think that is the reason that I don't have as much of a problem when I've been drinking. It relaxes me and takes some of the pressure off.
 
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fcl replied to An_251378's response:
You BOTH need to go to counselling. If your wife won't go then at least that tells you how (un)important your marriage is to her. Neither of you is happy like this.

Stop worrying about your hormones. What you have is an anxiety problem, extreme stress. Whether you have or do not have a hormonal problem is entirely secondary until you solve your communication/stress/anxiety issues.

Marriage counselling is for couples, not just half of them. They may decide they want to see your separately but you both need to go. You cannot make anything work unless both of you are on board with it.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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stevesmw replied to fcl's response:
The OP needs to learn how to communicate before even considering marriage counseling. He needs to learn how to start the conversation with his wife.


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