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Pain during penetration - feel like a fraud
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An_252343 posted:
Hi -- I'm 43 y.o. straight woman. Very sensual person, love kissing, touching, orgasm easily during masturbation, long for penetrative sex, but it has always been painful. About 10 years ago, I told my doctor who thought I might have endometriosis -- got that checked and all normal. The problem is that the penis hits my cervix and it hurts like hell. I've been to sex therapists who suggested different positions; suggested I might not be aroused enough; finally I asked another Dr. if I have a short vagina and she said "yes", and the "helpful" advice I received was to try different positions. I don't know how many times I've heard that I've tried many positions and while it may feel OK for a little while, if he moves 1/8" the wrong way, it's zing! Therefore, of course, I cannot relax and I most certainly cannot orgasm (which I would LOVE to do). I am 43 years old and I haven't been very active in my life, but active enough for my brain to equate penetrative sex with pain. I am now single and I REALLY want to figure this out because I need to get back on the dating scene, but I feel like a fraud. Men find me sexy; women find my sexy. I FEEL sensual and sexy, but the reality of the bedroom is that it's always disappointing and now extremely disheartening. [br>What I WANT: I want my partner to be able to experience the pleasure of being able to thrust deep, without holding back, without hurting me. For me, I want to be able to let go and not worry about pain. I also want to be able to hold my value as a lover, even if the pain continues... this is MUCH harder. [br>POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS I'VE DREAMED UP: 1) There MUST be such a thing as jelly rings like those found on the toddler Fisher Price ring toy, that could be put around the penis to prevent deep penetration, but would allow him to feel as though he were going deep. The Fisher Price ones would hurt, I think (though I've thought about trying it with the phantom boyfriend), but some manufacturer somewhere must make something of softer material. I also think that the ring itself would stimulate my clitoris and entire area and that seems a bonus. 2) Surgery???? 3) Anal sex. I really love anal stimulation and though I've never tried anal sex with a partner, I think it could be a viable alternative. Question, though, won't some guys be totally freaked out by this??? 4) OTHER IDEAS SO VERY WELCOME! Please don't tell me to go to the gynecologist again unless you KNOW of something that they could do. I go annually for regular exam, and all is well down there, except perhaps the size. THANK YOU
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georgiagail responded:
There are certainly "doughnut" type products that can be slipped over the penis to shorten the length. Similar to "penis rings" they might be what you are looking for.

Why are you worried about orgasming through intercourse? Most women can't anyway and can only achieve this through oral or manual stimulation.

Gail
 
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Poplar552 replied to georgiagail's response:
Thanks Gail. I've seen the doughnuts online, but nobody seems to have them in stock. Orgasm during intercourse seems "normal", but honestly, I can't get anything except emotional satisfaction from vaginal intercourse. I really don't feel physical pleasure -- far from it. I don't know how unusual this is, but from what I've read, I'm not the only one with this experience. So many misperceptions about sex in our culture, it's a wonder anyone does well with it.
 
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sluggo45692 responded:
Each woman is different, and men should know this. I can't tell from you posting if your in a relationship or not, but you have to let your partner know how you want to have sex. If he doesn't like it, then someone else will. I had a partner who couldn't orgasm unless she had a vibrator on her clit and wouldn't have sex without it. I can say with pride she was happy with me. If a smart man knows your limitations or desires, he will take you to where you want to go.If you think you need a ring for him, tell him. Then help him find it. talk to him about it, and make sure he knows what he's getting when he get it. Each man (if your not in a relationship) should buy his own. If he's not willing to talk about it or buy it, then he's not for you. As for anal sex, if he's freaked out by it, He's not the one for you. Make sure he goes slow and your comfortable with what he's doing. If you likes anal stimulation, then insertion is not far away. Just go slow and enjoy it. I would only advise going to the doctor if you were having problems. Always remember, the woman is in control. She's the one who says when, where, and how.
 
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An_252343 replied to sluggo45692's response:
Thank you so much sluggo45692. Your reminders (the woman is in control... tell you partner how you want to have sex... etc.) are soooo important and helpful. I am not in a relationship and reached out because I really need to regain my power and confidence so that I can hit the dating scene and not worry so much about what happens when he finds out I'm not "normal". Redefining "normal" for myself from everyone's responses here has been very helpful. Curious why you advise that every man should buy his own "ring" if I need it? Thank you.
 
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sluggo45692 replied to An_252343's response:
The boy might be a little skiddish and it's a way for you two to connect on a different level. You can talk a little more openly about why you need the ring and he will be for comfortable with using it. Also if he's willing to go that extra step, then you can see a little more into the man. Plus some men might not like to use another man's item on them selves. I know I would get my own, but that's just me. Plus by that time, I would feel we were at a point for me to go out and get something like that for us. Showing you that I'm more committed to the relationship that just getting layed.
 
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Poplar552 replied to sluggo45692's response:
Well, sluggo, I hope I meet someone like you very soon. I hope your sex life is all that you want it to be. TY.
 
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sluggo45692 replied to Poplar552's response:
Thank you. Be strong and take your time to find the right guy. He's out there. Know what you want and don't take a back seat in any relationship. You deserve what you need and want, when it comes to partners. Be kind, caring and strong for yourself, but all in all, be yourself. That's the person you'll find happiness with.


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