Sexless Marriage
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An_252455 posted:
Hi,

I 'm 40 yeasr old, having some issues with my wife. We have been together for 10 years, with two kids, 7 and 5. The last few years have been up and down. Sex has been non-existent and started to really affect me. She is six years younger.

Before kids and even early after kids, we had a good active sex life. She would initiate more than I would. One night, she went to a sex toy party and that is were things went down hill.

Now she pretty much avoids sex, saying she is tired, hot, non in the mood. We have only had sex 6 times over the past two years. When I bring up sex, she gets annoyed and pissed. Thinks I just want to use her. Which is BS! Prior to this we both would initiate and it wasn't a problem. I know we have our issues, but I thought things were getting better. But nothing I do matters or changes her opinions.

Now every time I leave the house she scurries off to the bedroom to "play." Unfortunately I know, because I looked at the placement of her toys. I don't condone my actions, but I needed to know. I don't care the she plays, heck I even encouraged her to go to the sex toy party. I'm upset that I have been replaced and she doesn't even care.

So here are my questions:

Is lack of sex a legitimate reason for a divorce? I know it sounds shallow, but prior to marriage, we had sex all the time. Now, once every 3-5 months is not enough.

Have other had this issue, is this normal? Is it normal for me to feel so bad, angry, frustrated?

Any advice is welcomed! Please be honest, good or bad.
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stevesmw responded:
A common story is that a woman will want to please a man early in a relationship. The two questions to be asked are:

1. Was she really enjoying your sexual relationship?
2. Does she have a past history of sexual trauma?

The fact that she uses toys means that she wants to orgasm, so why doesn't she want to have sex with you.

If you can't freely discuss the issue with her. Get involved in counseling. What she is doing is like cheating and she needs a good explanation.
 
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An_252350 responded:
Sexless marriages can develop over time from a range of possible causes.Adultery can lead to a sexless marriage in two ways: it can cause the partner having the affair to have reduced sexual interest in their spouse, and if the affair is discovered, the "innocent" spouse may cease to want to be intimate with the cheating spouse. Sexual addiction or pornography addiction can cause the addicted partner to lose interest in sex with their regular partner. Sexual aversion or "a low level of sexual desire" including a lack of sexual vitality due to age, past trauma, partners' incompatible sexual orientation or, simply, one of the spouses losing sexual interest in the regular companion.Sexual dysfunction or difficulty during any stage of the sexual act, including severe vaginismus or erectile dysfunction. Lack of sensation, desire or ability to achieve orgasm resulting as side effects from medication or illegal drugs. Some antidepressant drugs such as SSRIs can cause difficulty with achieving orgasm. Sexless marriages can be caused by post-pregnancy issues and hormonal imbalances which can be temporary or permanent in nature or by illness of one or both partners that affects physical or psychological sexuality
 
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fcl responded:
I think that you both need to work on your communication skills. Have you ever sat down with her and calmly talked about the way she's making you feel? Have you listened to her when she tells you about how you make her feel? Set aside the time to discuss this and, above all, don't do it either in the bedroom or just after trying to get sex.

Think about the ways you try to initiate sex. Maybe she'd like a bit more romance? Talk to each other rather than try to score points, rather than always trying to be right. You both, no doubt, have valid points but if you don't listen (and I mean really listen) to what the other is saying then you're not going to get very far.

About the sex toys ... You're not going to like what I have to say but ... I wonder if she didn't have her first orgasm with a toy. She may well have enjoyed sex before but if she never had an orgasm, well, I can understand why she'd want one as often as she could (and virtually without effort!). How about discussing that too? Get her to explain what the difference is with a sex toy so that you can learn how to do it too or at very least how to incorporate it into your love-making.

Yes, it's normal to feel angry and frustrated about this but anger and frustration aren't going to solve anything. Please, please, please talk to her - if you can't talk calmly about this then make an appointment with a marriage counsellor so that you can both be heard.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.