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Married men on dating sites?
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An_252463 posted:
A few weeks ago I got on my husbands laptop so his friend could use it for online applications. When I pulled down the tab I saw a few porn sites which don't really bother me but upon further investigations I found he had also been going to sites that are created for married people who don't want to leave their spouse but want to cheat on them. This really bothered me so I went to his email account and sure enough he had created profiles for at least four that I could find websites such as findcheaters.com and lonelyhousewives.com.

I was devastated. EVERY time I have had a problem in the seven years we have been together I have always went to him and tried to talk about it so we were both happy. And for the past five months since he had been doing these sites I thought we were in the best time of our relationship that we had ever had. I also found a live chat receipt in his email and I found a personally email from a woman who sent him naked photos and her address and she lives only 5 miles from our house and then on the first he sent back that he could come to her place no problem.

When I confronted him he lied and told me that they were all for a friend. When I found the profiles and brought them up he said he had made them still for a friend even they they were going to HIS email and they had all HIS information for them like his hobbies and such. He said he had never paid for a live chat and never talked to anyone or videod or cheated.

I played ok for a few days and dug deeper. Got emails back saying that they had never met but they videod. I left for a while to let him think about himself and wrote a letter saying the things I would need form him to stay. When we talked again for the fourth time he finally admitted to making the profiles and one video session but his only reason I was feeling unloved and it was stupid I shouldn't have done it. When asked why he didn't come talk to me I dunno It was stupid.
I stayed I am still with him and now I am feeling kinda stupid for it. I love him to death and even though he put me through this I still couldn't imagine a life without him. He is the father of my children and the love of my life so why cant I really forgive and why is it so hard for me to feel loved and normal again? what can I do to get started from scratch again and make my life a happy one?

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blondlawman responded:
I am so sorry. I have been engaged twice in my life. Both of them had porn addiction. What is going on in this world with this crap! I so understand where you are coming from. Look up impulse control disorder.
 
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georgiagail responded:
Your husband had broken your trust in him and in doing so, the idiot may have damaged something that you may ultimately find is impossible for you to forgive.

You do not feel loved and normal again because, right at this moment, your life with him is neither normal nor loving. Will things improve? No one here can tell you that.

Gail
 
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fcl responded:
I think that, having heard so many lies from him, I'd be wondering how many other lies I've heard over the years. I'd also be wondering what else he'd have done if he hadn't been caught. Or what else he'd already done and hasn't told me about ...

It's not up to you to "get over" this. It's up to him to work his sorry bum off to regain your trust. He's the one who was cheating, but you're the one in pain. You're the victim. He needs to pull out all the stops for you.

I suggest counselling. For both of you - together and separately. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Tryingtomakeitwork replied to fcl's response:
Thank you all for your kind words. Believe me it is still going through my mind that he may not be being wholey truthful still and he told me that the only reason he didn't come clean at first was because he was scared I would leave. I explained that by not telling me the truth the level of trust I have for him right now is non existant. I don't know if I can even get that back or if ultimately this will cause me so much pain that I have to leave. I am hoping that we can work this out but only time will tell.

One thing that was particularly upsetting to me is that because of our fighting I sent my kids to their grandparents they did not need to see us fighting or be in the middle of it but my five year old could definitely tell kinda what was going on. They both got back yesterday and when my oldest walked in and her daddy wasn't here she started crying and asking me if he was coming back home? So hard for me to stay and keep being reminded of his deceit and feel bad for being mad at him because he is the father of my kids. sooooo confised still
 
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georgiagail replied to Tryingtomakeitwork's response:
What does "working it out" mean for you?

I ask this because for many in the same situation, working it out means (unfortunately) doing absolutely nothing and hoping time makes things better and eases the pain.

Gail
 
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blondlawman replied to Tryingtomakeitwork's response:
I am in the same situation with my now ex fiancee. He is going in for therapy but i'm so scared it will not stop. I know I don't have kids but If I was you I would tell him, What if our child saw you masturbating, what if our child ever used a computer, how would you feel if you damaged your child. Maybe that will really hit home. It is almost makes you want to get rid of every computer in the house. You will cry then get angry, it is very normal to go threw these emotions. I kicked mine out the door because when I found it the first time I gave him a list of deal breakers for me, He broke my promise and I kicked him out. Sometimes people don't get the lesson until they lose their family. I just know I did not want that crap in my life or house. I also made him get tested for herpes etc, because you never know, that alone was embarrassing for him! Oh well, you did this honey, not me. Your in my prayers.
 
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Tryingtomakeitwork replied to georgiagail's response:
I made a list of things that needed to happen for me to stay. He has to write down when he clocks in and out of work and bring me his checks so I can confirm that he was at work when he said he was. He had to give me the credit card and has to bring me receipts for everything that is bought so I know money isn't missing. We are selling his computer and if he wants to get online can only use mine sitting next to me so I can see the screen. He cannot be late unless he has a viable excuse and if its not good enough I will leave. He had to tell me the WHOLE truth and go with me online to unfold his deceit by looking at his profiles and deleting them all which was VERY embarrassing for him. Made him get checked. and the last stipulation was that he spend quality time daily with his children and help me more around the house. So far he has been living up to his end of the bargain. and blondlawman I did hit home when I told him that his children do not need to see him doing something like that online and how would he feel if our girls grew up and their man did this to them? I asked him if he would like them to grow up thinking that the way hes treating me is perfectly normal and they shouldn't ask for any better. Well no I would kill a guy if they did this to my girls. So then why would you do it to their mother?
 
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blondlawman replied to Tryingtomakeitwork's response:
I am so proud you said that. Men just act with out thinking. He was only thinking of his needs not you or your children. I will pray he turns around and really starts to treat all of you better. If you can't be doing it in front of people, you should not be doing it. Mine is in therapy, we will see if it works out. Take care of yourself. ~HUG~
 
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Tryingtomakeitwork replied to blondlawman's response:
So far he has been doing well with the things I needed him to work on. He still doesn't spend as much quality time with our kids but hes starting to get better with that too. My only worry is that we have had our fair share of problems in the past and he has a way of being better until he thinks I have forgotten things and then going back to his normal self again so I am hoping this time expecially with the bad stuff he did he wont go back to it and will continue being a wonderful husband and father
 
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blondlawman replied to Tryingtomakeitwork's response:
once a person breaks your trust you just can't get it back, you can pretend but it will always be in the back of your head. If he dose it again you will have no choice but to leave or you except it and start living your life. Do what ever you can to make yourself feel better instead of thinking about him. Maybe you need a little attention for yourself, start going out to dinner with your girlfriends and leave him with the kids. This will teach him what it will be like to be a single dad and it will teach you that you are special and you need friends and a life. Get dressed up go out and get the attention you deserve from walking into a room and having confidence that you can handle anything. Remember this is not about you, it is his fault, DON"T OWN IT! I'm starting to go out again and i'm trying to get my life back also, and you know it is nice when a man buys you a drink, nothing more..take care of yourself so you can show your kids you are strong because it is not your fault!
 
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Tryingtomakeitwork replied to blondlawman's response:
I sure am trying to not blame myself and to get into a better routine. My biggest thing is that he was doing most of his online stuff while either me or his girls were in the same room with him so for me right now anyway I can NOT go out alone with girlfriends cause all I am thinking the whole time is if he is going to have someone over while im gone. I feel right now like I have to go everywhere with him. And for months he has been saying he loves not having a cell phone so people cant bother him. But I came home to my friend Brittany and him hanging out without me there and she gave him an old cell ohone of hers and now he is too eager to out minutes on it. Maybe its just the fact of what I have just been through as of recent but I am mad paranoid it feels like this isn't the end and like some crap is about to hit the fan again. I hope not but how do you get your head to a good point that you DONT feel like EVERY woman that comes in contact with your man is going to screw him?
 
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fcl replied to Tryingtomakeitwork's response:
Look, it's clear that you're not going to be able to get past this on your own. You've tried and it's not working. Please, please, please make an appointment for counselling - for both of you. He really needs to take responsability for his actions and wake up to how much they hurt you. He really doesn't seem to understand this (what he's doing sounds more like lip service than sincerity). OTOH, you cannot spend the rest of your life unable to let him out of your sight. This really is not a healthy situation. This is why I suggest counselling ... before your couple falls apart completely.

Wishing you well,

FCL
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.


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