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Finding the right one - my story
stevesmw posted:

I didn't have my first real girlfriend until I was in my early thirties, not that I didn't try. I was not unattractive, but I wasn't what interested young women. I wasn't handsome, athletic and someone who enjoyed their interests, i.e. music and dancing. Due to college and the Vietnam War, I didn't start my career until I was 28. I also considered relationships as something complicated and serious and was looking for a life partner.
I met my girlfriend through computer dating. She was highly intelligent, a good person, tall, curvaceous and really enjoyed making love. Her previous boyfriend was more interested in his gratification and I get a lot of satisfaction from pleasing a woman. We had an excellent relationship and she was the perfect girlfriend. No demands or expectations just enjoying the moment. She was unable to work because of stress related illness, so I couldn't consider her a life partner.
I met my wife to be at work where she was a teammate. She was intelligent, healthy, beautiful and a good person. I considered a potential life partner. She had been sexually active for over 10 years, including 5 years of marriage and never had an orgasm. The first time we made love she had multiple orgasms and was a passionate lover. She also told me that she had a tough childhood and had been physically abused. I thought that her sexual issues were the result of incompetent lovers and that kindness would take care of the rest. She drank a lot more than I did, but at that time it wasn't unusual.
The relationship progressed until I was given the talk- the relationship moves forward or it ends. I had to end the relationship with my other girlfriend and since I considered my wife to be a life partner, I agreed. We lived together for 2 years and got married. The lovemaking was frequent and wonderful.
After a few years we had a son. He had behavioral issues early on and my wife started seeing a therapist to help dealing with our son. As a result of the therapy, memories of early sexual abuse surfaced and the effect on our relationship was that she could only initiate love making which although wonderful, became less and less frequent over the years to the point we haven't made love for over a year and I don't know if we will ever again. This is very distressing to me since I am a very sexual person and so is my wife.
After 10 years of marriage she lost her job and after a while she decided that she didn't want to work anymore. She went back to school and got a second degree in art and painted. We struggled a bit financially until my income increased. Our lifestyle was based on two incomes so it wasn't easy.
We have a loving relationship with common interests and have been married for over 30 years. She was diagnosed with PTSD and self medicates with alcohol. When she is upset she can be quite difficult, but most of the time we get along very well.
Lessons learned:
1. I should have been more concerned about her drinking.
2. I should have questioned why such a sexual person had never enjoyed it before. That she only had sex before to please.
3. That having a background of physical abuse should have been a red flag and that love and kindness is not going to fix the underlying issues.
4. There is no sure way to guarantee that the relationship will not change. I couldn't predict that after a successful career during the 12 years I knew her that she would not want to work anymore.
A lot of couples get married without really knowing each other. I thought I was being intelligent about the relationship, but clearly not enough.
dfromspencer responded:
I'm sorry, I just found this. Hey, we all go into a relationship with high hopes and wonderful dreams, nothing ever works out the way we want them to! Your wife does indeed have issues, and she needs more help than she got, appearently? The self medicating with alcohol is not doing her any good, and I sense you know this?!!! The fact that she was abused when she was young, doesn't mean she doesn't need love now, or in the future. Her stopping the love making would worry me. I would have to put my foot down, and have her go to therapy! Clearly she needs tons of it!!! You do, also!!!

Talk to her gently, tell her the things you miss about her. Tell her how wonderful she was in bed. Remind her of all the wonderful aspects of marital lovemaking. Hopefully, she'll come around? You guys need help, and tons of it! Oh, and her quitting work, lots of people with her past probs., find it difficult to work around others?! Maybe that's why she wants to paint? Encourage her to do that which she wants to do.

I hope, for the sake of your marriage, and your sanity, you guys get the help you so need, and soon!?!!!

I wish you only the best!!!


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