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Sexless relationship- Is there hope?
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An_252668 posted:
I've been in a serious relationship for about 5 years (we're both now current I discovered she was sexually abused as a child after year one, but thought this was dealt with (as much as can be anyway).

Unfortunately, I later realized issues stemming from the abuse were still affecting her and our relationship. After finally finding a good specialist/therapist on the subject she has been dealing with this stuff again. However, it has meant we haven't had sex over the past year. (The year prior to that wasn't great in that area either which what made me realize we needed counseling).

I'm trying to be a good person about this and help her (and us through this) as it's been a long road. I love her and feel guilty for all of the stuff she has had to go through, but my sexual needs aren't being met and it's very frustrating. I want this to get better, but we're just no on the same page when it comes to sex and I fear we never will be.

Is there anyone who has been in similar situation? Any advice? I'm barely hanging on right now. Thanks.
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stevesmw responded:
The best of luck to you. I've been dealing with it for over 20 years. As far as sexual needs are concerned you can take the matter in hand and be patient. Your partner is probably very aware of your needs and may even feel guilty, but that isn't going to change anything. If your partner really wants things to get better, she will try to get through this and maybe she will. My wife has been diagnosed with PTSD from the childhood abuse. Which symptoms include hyper vigilance, irritability, constant worry and self medication with alcohol.
Your sexual needs are inconsequential compared to the other stuff you might have to deal with.
 
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gd9900 responded:
My two cents on the subject...

We were married 11 years - together 14. A few years into our marriage sex waned on my end due to stress and burnout from work and kids. This lasted a few years and his frustrations led him to resent me. When the issue first came to a head, I went to the Dr's and got all kinds of medical tests relating to anything that could affect my libido. All were negative. I went to counseling, and nothing came out of that either. It caused a major issue in our lives. I felt awful...and I didn't know what to do. I gave him what I could and it wasn't enough. We would discuss, get angry, cry - it was a horrible cycle. At some point he stopped bringing it up, and things got better on my end. My libido came back and things seemed to be way better from my point of view. In the end, he told me it wasn't ever enough. I was a good wife, mother, provider, and friend but the sex (or lack of it) ended up being a deal breaker on his end.

Its my story - no advice here, just something for you to digest. Hope it helps in some way.
 
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gd9900 replied to gd9900's response:
I just want to add that we didn't have a sexless marriage...one time we went 6 months without, and there was a few years where it was once a month or two months at the most. When things picked up on my end it was 2-4 times a week.
 
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RobertPatrick responded:
Well i think your partner need a sex healer of counselor who can make her feel comfortable and who can understand what is happening with her. I think a sex healer can help her, try consulting. I hope that would work well for you.
 
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An_252668 replied to stevesmw's response:
To: stevesmw
Thanks... it's good to hear from someone else. She too was diagnosed with PTSD from the abuse. Miraculously, she has never had any issues with drugs or alcohol as this is typical from the level of abuse.. However, to survive the abuse she had to shut off emotionally and can at times be very cold (obviously it's not her fault). She has used this too her advantage in her professionally life some how and can be very cut off in the most stressful of situations... but this coldness is hard to deal with in a relationship.

The sex was fine initially (still a little closed off... which I never understood why until recently), but there was an issue which caused her not to trust me a few years ago. This triggered some feelings which kind of brought up some of the lack of trust feelings she developed as a child.

Reliving parts of it with her tear me up inside. I end up feeling guilty for my own wants. I know that she feels guilty about this whole thing... and I know its not her fault. It's tough to go to therapy and focus on her issues while I have my needs not being bet. I realize this sounds selfish... and yes you are correct in saying that my needs are small in comparison to what she has been through
 
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stevesmw replied to An_252668's response:
My wife went to therapy off an on for a long time. Although she is very unhappy now, she refuses to see anyone one because it too painful to revisit the abuse. When she was in therapy during the last 10 years or so she would normally only discuss relationship or general issues.

My wife is a my way or the highway kind of person, so any kind of couples counseling was out of the question.

You might be in a better position and might be able to find a therapist/counselor that works with couples and provides exercises to work on the physical issues leading toward resuming sexual activity.
 
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An_252668 replied to stevesmw's response:
I'm sorry to hear that. It's a tough place to be brother. Thanks for your feedback.


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