Boyfriend Says He Wants Sex, But Will Not Have Sex With Me
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An_250927 posted:
I am in a situation that I find very confusing. I have been dating my boyfriend for a few months now. He told me on our first date that he was a virgin, and I was fine with that. He is a few years younger than I am, and I was a virgin at his age too (I am in my late twenties and he is in his mid twenties). It did not take long until after we started dating for us to develop some sort of physical relationship, although we never had sex. He told me that he wanted to wait to have sex until he was in a relationship. I do not mind taking things slow, so I was fine with this. The problem is, we are now in a relationship and have been dating for months, but the physical part of our relationship has not progressed at all. I have discussed this with my boyfriend numerous times but nothing changes. He says he has no ethical problem having sex, he wants to have it, went to the trouble of buying condoms, and every time before we get together he says it might happen. It never does. It does not really bother me that it has not yet happened. My frustration comes from the fact he keeps acting like he really wants to do it and even admits that there is nothing holding him back. Obviously there is. I should also add that after I told him I would no longer give oral sex if the favor was not being returned, he had no problem dropping it completely. We essentially have the same problem with oral sex that we have with sex. He keeps promising to do that too and nothing ever happens. When I ask why, he says there is no reason. Has anyone else dealt with this? I know he might be nervous, but I cannot understand why a virgin his age, who says he wants to have sex, would still not have sex when he has a partner that is more than willing to work with him and have sex. Anyone have advice? Thanks in advance.
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airius responded:
You may want to ask him if he wants to be in a serious relationship or a committed relationship prior to sex, i.e. marriage. He may not be being totally honest with you in that regards. Is he a religious person? What kind of positive or negative relationship examples did/does he have in his life? He could be nervous about his own inadequacies. there's a TON of things that could be going on. You both just need to talk it out. He may be afraid to be totally honest if he thinks he may lose you, especially if you are pressuring him about sex. Is sex really that important to you or is the relationship more important? Maybe he just needs some reassurance that if he want to wait a bit more before you both take that step then it is okay with you.
 
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An_250927 replied to airius's response:
I should have mentioned in my original post that I have tried to talk to him about this quite a bit. That is actually why I came here looking for advice. I have told him so many times that if he wants to wait I am fine with that. I am pretty sure I sounded sincere because I genuinely have no problem with waiting. His only response is that he does not want to wait. He essentially refuses to have any type of meaningful discussion. I do not feel that I have ever pressured him about having sex. That has happened to me before and I did not like it, so I am trying to spare him from going through the same thing. What hurts the most is that I continually told myself that the reason we were not having sex or oral sex was because he was just uncomfortable and nervous. He has always denied that, but I was fine accepting that reason and waiting until he was ready. Then last week he casually mentioned that he has had oral sex with other women that he was not even in a relationship with. He says he enjoys giving oral sex and is completely comfortable with it. This is hard to not take personally because he has to know that oral sex was something I really wanted (I have told him, not just hinted). Instead we just continue to do what he wants and ignore anything I might like. By that I mean I have literally given him direction on what to when we are engaging in physical intimacy that he is comfortable with, and he refuses to follow any of them. He has never even attempted to engage in oral sex. Additionally, he has way more orgasms than I do because he sometimes refuses to return the favor. I am not sure if he is just so inexperienced that he does not know how sexual intimacy in a relationship works, or if he is very selfish (I have never accused him of either). The last time we tried to talk about any of this, which has now obviously started to wear on other areas of our relationship, he said he had to make dinner and hung up the phone. Outside of the bedroom he is very thoughtful and sweet, which makes this even more confusing. We are not fighting about sex, but about the fact I feel he is refusing to have a meaningful discussion about our sexual relationship. Perhaps I am wrong, but I feel like I at least deserve a reason after months of dealing with this.
 
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rhondamay replied to airius's response:
An_250927, are you sure this guy is worth the brain damage? He seems like an immature and selfish brat. Lots of red flags flying here.

Good luck,

Rhonda
 
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georgiagail replied to rhondamay's response:
The bottom line is that this forum has no idea why your boyfriend won't have sex with you.

Gail
 
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fcl replied to An_250927's response:
He's playing mind games with you. Is it really worth it?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.