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How to Recover from a Threesome with my husband and best friend that went too far
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An_253260 posted:
I have to start out and explain how deeply in love my husband I are and have always been. We have been through so much in the last year with death, loss of jobs, family trouble just more than any couple should have to endure but have stayed by each other's side through it all. I thought we were indestructible until the other night. My best friend came over with her kids for a sleepover, once all the kids were all in bed we sat outside of our home talking and drinking. My husband and I have always been the type to joke around sexually in good fun but have never really meant it any more than that. My best friend however is a different story she has more than joked about the subject. Somehow after many drinks the conversation began to get more real and to a point we were talking about ground rules. Still laughing and drinking we continued on with this conversation. I expressed how personal intercourse with my husband was and that was not something to be shared. She didn't understand b/c something else was personal to her. My husband looked at her and further explained why that was so personal to me and that he could not do that with another woman. I can't believe I even let it go as far as it did but one thing led to another. I thought we would all mess around a little and he would only be with me in that way. Once we got to my room everything was playing around at first, it was somewhat innocent fun. Then before I knew what was happening they were doing the one thing I expressed could not happen. I can't eat or sleep, I can't even look at him. I was mad/hurt from the moment I realized what was going on. He has apologized and begged for me to let this go that it meant nothing, but the truth is I can't and don't know how to. She is devastated that I won't talk to her, I expressed my feelings to her but I can't be around her right now. I have never felt so disgusted and hurt in my life. I was in the car with him the other day and exploded, hitting him and screaming at him how much I hate him over and over again. He took it somewhere that I don't know how to recover from. I know I am guilty in this as well for even allowing any of it but am I wrong for feeling the way I do? Betrayed and hurt? We have been together for almost 10 years and have been each other's greatest love, when I say that I 100% mean greatest love. Everyone tells us how great we are together and our sex life is awesome as well. I now have different feelings toward him and hatred I don't know how to let go of. I no longer feel number one, although he has assured me a thousand times. Its just different and I don't know what to do. I guess I felt chosen over or something. I can't even explain all the thoughts going through my head. How can I ever be around the two of them again and be ok? I know it wouldn't hurt this bad if i didn't love him as much as I do. Someone please give me advice!
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lisalee31 responded:
It's all in the attitude you hold over what happened - there shouldn't be blame...you let it get as far as it did because you obviously had an attraction to the idea...maybe you set the ground rules because you knew how jealous you'd become if they had sex. They should have respected your wishes but then again everyone was tipsy and judgement was cloudy and they lost control. For them it was just fun - is there any way you could think of it the same way?
 
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kiwi15 replied to lisalee31's response:
I guess is in my mind he wouldn't want to share that. The fact is all of us were wrong for even thinking a little messing around would be ok. The problem I have is more with him than anything, we both messed up but I feel like he stole something from my heart. You are probably right and I should try to think of it the same way, fun..but I know I can't without time and dont know if i ever can. From the moment they went there i wanted to scream and cry and did not know what to do. It ended at that point. I instantly yelled at my husband after and told him how he hurt me. In that room it was not suppose to be that way, they took it past a point that was not ok for me. And yes I feel jealous, betrayed and hurt.
 
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sluggo45692 responded:
It sounds like you were trying to have fun with a good friend. Alcohol and sex talk usually means something is going to happen. I'm very sorry you got hurt. I almost broke up a couple of friends of mine many years ago. I went drinking with the woman of the couple and it almost got out of hand. I can only offer this. Do you love your husband and do you still want a relationship with your friend. Talk AND listen to them. He sounds very sorry and is trying to show you he F*(**d up. If you all were talking and drinking and there, then you all should talk about it and fix it. So you aren't as close to your husband now. Fix it. Do you want your friend back. Fix it. We all make mistakes. He didn't go creeping to a motel and cheated on you. You all thought it was fun, til it happened. He & she may have thought you approved and would join in. ie, 3some. Don't throw away 10 years. Good Luck
 
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fcl responded:
You have every right to be hurt and angry. You did not "allow" this to happen. You laid down ground rules. These are things that MUST be respected if you're going to have a 3some. They are designed to protect all concerned. Your husband and your friend did not respect these - they trampled all over them. I would be livid too.

Please make an appointment for marital counselling for both of you ASAP to help you work through this. Also, if no condom was used, consider getting tested for STDs.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Good luck.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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hairyd responded:
I can only answer as a male. But your answer is in your first few sentences. You know your answer. Stay by each Other's side through it all. Your husband only reacted as a normal male when the fruit was placed in front of him. But understand if there was any pleasure it was from his penis and not his brains. Life is short but this should be viewed for the few seconds. Do not let it control your life. Yes you have pain; but you need to let him replace this with pleasure and good memories.

The friend you need time apart to forgive. If it is a true friendship it will survive. I am sure you had told her of the awesome sex. She used the drinks. to get in your bed.
This is normal also. I have my wife's friends hitting on me.

Since it was not a time of Fun. I would not think about it.
Consider it a dream; and move on. I know it is easy for me to state these comments. Since in my threesome it was the other men's wives. Some of the wives I never saw again. Others are still in our circle of social friends.

Talk with your husband; Your marriage is Indestructible
Always remember your penis is unique, just like every man.
 
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fcl replied to hairyd's response:
So, HairyD, the fact that there were ground rules is unimportant? Are you saying that men have no self control at all? As for her marriage being indestructible ... in light of the fact that her husband has shattered the trust she had in him that may not be a given any more. Trust has to be earned. You don't earn it by talking. And trust is absolutely essential to a healthy relationship.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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An_253260 replied to fcl's response:
FCL, you are very right that trust is the essential key to a relationship and just talking will not earn it back. We have a long road ahead of us and I'm ready to fight for my marriage.He is fighting for our marriage harder than I could have ever imagined. The hardest part of all of this is not understanding why he allowed for it to go where it did. It makes me question his feelings and desires. The comment made about the fruit in front of him makes me sick to my stomach. I know had the situation stayed where it was supposed to, I would have left the room that night beating my chest out how even with it right there he only chose me. The problem is I don't have that satisfaction. Forgiving is not the answer, I have to know again that I'm it for him. Time will heal I can only hope.
 
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An_253260 replied to hairyd's response:
HairyD you make valid points and I appreciate your response. You are right and this will only work if I want it to. I have to find a way to put closure to this situation and move forward.

To clarify; I am fighting very hard for my marriage as he is doing as well. Something like we have built together doesn't just come along everyday. Therefor your comment about another woman would be glad to take him is probably very true, but they key you miss there is what we have is unique and its not so easy to just re-create that with another person. So he as well as I would be at a loss.I believe that if people did not get married because they thought they were suppose to, or because it was the right time in life, that they actually waited for the person they are meant to be with... then there would not be as many divorces as there are today.

My choices were bad and I am not placing all the blame on him or her. I participated in this event and have to live with my own guilt for that. Without walking you through every detail its hard to tell you why I am so upset, I was a willing participant in this with strict guidelines. Its my heart that aches, knowing that he was so passionate when speaking to me outside and telling me how he only wanted me in that way. His words plus actions make my feelings what they are.He expressed what I found sacred but when put in his face he,as you said it "took the fruit" Please know I would have never entered that situation if I had thought for a moment intercourse would happen between them. The alcohol could be used as an excuse but no matter what the situation if you f*** up when drinking you still have to pay the consequences. The drunk driver that killed the innocent person will have to live with the torture of knowing what he/she did for the rest of their life.

The turn on and reassurance he could have given me that night from abstaining from intercourse with her would have been the best marital experience ever. I would be in cloud 9 right now instead of wanting to vomit at the thought of the night.

Now that I have said my peace, here is what I really need help with.
1) What helps a person let go of something like this?
2) Do we need counseling or what do I do from here?
3) How can I gain my reassurance in our marriage?
 
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sluggo45692 replied to An_253260's response:
To help answer your questions, here's my suggestions.
1. Time with discussion and allowing the healing process to work.
2. Counseling is always a good idea if you don't know which way to go. We are not perfect and don't always know the answers. Ask others (ie counselor) who you can discuss what happened.
3. WORK at those reassurances if you want the marriage to work. Both of you have to work at it. He needs to do a lot of groveling, but you have to do some your self and both of you need to give forgiveness.
Talk to each other. Don't hold it in and explode. You will only hurt each other. We as human beings love to share our pain and our joys. Make sure you share both.
A good start to help (just a suggestion) watch the Kirk Cameron movie. I think it's called "Ring of Fire". It may give you some ideas on how to start to rebuild your relationship and marriage.
Anger and mistrust are poisons to you and yours. The most important thing you can do is Talk to each other.
I'm the son of a drunk. Alcohol is an excuse for some things, but it's never enough of an excuse for hurting someone. I hope you find your peace and middle ground. It will always be a sore point, but hopefully over time it doesn't hurt as bad. Good Luck P.S. Men and women do stupid things and make the wrong choices. No one is perfect
 
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kiwi15 replied to sluggo45692's response:
Thanks you! That really hit home.


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