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Quickies vs emotional connection
An_253317 posted:
My wife and I are trying to start a family so we are watching many different things. Ovulation being the main one of course so we had sex earlier in the week where I was fully engaged and ready to go (multiple times thank you), but tonight she wanted to have sex again as she is still ovulating. It is very late we had been out all day and ... I was NOT into the right head space. So I agreed to a quickie. -- This was our first time to try the quickie experience as we normally will go 2 or 3 hours on a good night. For me it is about the connection with my wife and being with her that time. BUT, mentally I have to be on my game the entire time to keep ... effective ... so high connection, high concentration, good to great sex.

So the question, since this long sex is my bag, quickies for me is more tantamount to masturbation with a partner. i.e.; low concentration, low connection - in, big O, clean up and go.
My wife I don't think sees it that way and expects that same level of intimacy. Am I not doing this right? Bad expectations on both parts? Need a little help from more experience folks.

- Married - 1.5 years
- Both of us were 1st timers in the sack coming into marriage
- 37 yrs old, the wife a bit younger
- Little overweight
- high cholesterol meds and anti-depress for anxiety
- both high achievers and way busier than we should be.

Suggestions - thoughts - condolences....
I mean I haven't failed this bad in the sack since we were having sex for the first time. -- manual stimulation worked, but the pace was too slow... I lost it and I crashed and burned. feel like crap.

Take the Poll

For a quickie - How emotionally / mentally engaged are you
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  • mentally there but so so emotionally
  • so so mentally and emotionally
  • insert quarter and take a ride - on cruse control
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fcl responded:
You need to relax about this because you are waaaaay overthinking things. Presumably (from what you said) you had an erectile problem this time and the chances are that it was:

1. because you were tired
2. because you didn't feel like it.

These things happen and they're not the end of the world. Next time will be fine - you'll see.

As for quickies ... sex doesn't have to be a long, romantic experience every single time. Sex can be fun in short blasts too! I thoroughly enjoy quickies (often in the morning - what better way to start your day?) at most times of the day. Tell yourself that it's a moment of intimacy snatched from an otherwise dull day Quickies are a way of broadening your sexual repertoire so to speak. Let yourself go and have fun!

Sex isn't a question of are you doing it right. Sex is a question of connection and pleasure. If you really hate quickies then I suggest you tell your wife this. IT many make her more understanding. You both have differing views of sexuality and, know what? You're both right

Relax and enjoy...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
stevesmw replied to fcl's response:
This is so simple. Your wife didn't want sex, she wanted a sperm delivery. Do your job and don't think about it.

I was in the same situation and looked forward to having my wife ask me to make a deliveries quickly and frequently. Unfortunately she knew she was pregnant, almost immediately after the first time and there were a few more sessions just to be sure.

I'd rather give my partner sustained pleasure. I supplied this to my sexual soul mate (not my wife, before I was married).
She would reciprocate and offer sex even if she wasn't in the mood. In that case it would be inconsiderate to have it last too long.
sluggo45692 responded:
The largest sex organ in anybody is the brain. If your not in the right state of mind, you will fail. Quickie's are for those of us who have very little time and need some release. A quickie is more of a physical release, than an emotional bonding. If all your doing is trying to get pregnant, quickies are great. Don't let a quickie get in the way of a relationship. Talk to your wife. Let her know you still love her and want to make love to her. Quickies are not making love. It's having sex. BIG Difference. When it's time to make love, make love. When it's time for a quick release, strech it out a bit. Don't just climb aboard and finish (unless that's what she wants)
Good luck
21finish responded:
Sometimes when the urge to "make a baby" get very strong in a woman, she can become frantic about the whole thing, particularly if it doesn't happen right away. And what can happen is a desire to get your sperm in her at every opportunity. Same happened with me and yes you can get a mental issue with that if you aren't careful.
Enjoy the sex as much as you can. She won't want you just for your sperm for ever. Love her and MAKE SURE she knows you love her. Things will likely return to "normal" whatever that is for you eventually.
And if they don't return to normal, sit down, outside the bed room, and calmly discuss your feelings for her and how you miss the "good old days" of long, luxurious sex with her.

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