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Confused about sexualtiy at 35
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Anon_5043 posted:
Hi all,

I'm finding myself in completely new territory. I'm 35, woman, married to a man with whom I've been in a committed monogamous relationship for 15 years now. It's not going very well lately, the last 9 months or so we've been especially struggling with some life decisions regarding my career (not quite relevant for my point here however).

I find myself intensely sexually attracted to an old female friend from college. She moved to town recently and we reconnected about 10 days ago and ever since I can hardly wait to see her and we see each other almost every day and text/e-mail on those days we don't. We talk about everyday things, there is nothing inappropriate in our conversations at all. We just clearly love hanging out. But I feel so much more.

I have never felt any attraction to any other woman in my life. I never really had any questions about my sexual identity for that reason but it's not like I really thought about it much other than noticing who I was or wasn't attracted to (the privilege of heterosexuality I guess).

This friend of mine slept at my house twice this past week (while my husband was out of town) but strictly as friends, mostly so that I could have a few drinks (I have to drive otherwise). By the second night she stayed with me I could barely contain myself. She is so lovely and so gracious and just looking at her is so pleasurable I feel like I'm already cheating. I can hardly breathe at times. I feel like a damn teenager!

I don't know what to think about any of this and what to think about our behavior (she is also in a relationship with a man but has told me several years ago now that she has slept with women in the past). As much as I feel I can't wait to see her (I've made myself stay away but for no longer than 24 hrs at a time), it is not like she is in any way indicating this is weird or inappropriate. Nor does she tell me she doesn't want to see me. She is lonely here. And we always couch it in terms of getting a drink after work or having dinner or something.

I'm afraid that I will say or do something to come onto her and either embarrass myself and lose a friend or cheat on my husband. I can't tell if she is attracted to me but deep down I think/suspect she is not. It's hard to tell how objective I'm being here for obvious reasons but it should be clear what I'm hoping the answer to that one is. I just keep thinking about her and desiring her.

So, 2 questions:

1. What the heck is going on with me? Is it possible that I would be bisexual but not ever have any such feelings prior to being 35?! It seems awfully late...

2. What do I do? I already don't have the willpower to stay away from her. I still have the willpower not to cheat on my husband but judging how quickly I went from never dreaming I would be attracted to her or any other woman (10 days ago) to being aroused just thinking of her and breathless at even the slightest touch of her hand...I can find it hard to imagine that I can hide this forever.

I told my therapist last week how I felt and she brushed it off as female "bromance" but that was before that last night she was here when I thought I would lose it right in front of her. And before I started fantasizing about her while masturbating (last 3 days).

I'm confused as hell by this. Had I been hiding something from myself all these years or could it be simply I never found any other woman appealing?
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stevesmw responded:
The best answers to your question would be from women who have had been in your situation.

You already have an opinion on cheating and this should control your actions. Right now things aren't going well in your marriage. You are probably missing the emotional intimacy between a husband and wife. This void is being filled by reconnecting with an old friend and spending quality time together. Putting a label on yourself might be difficult; being sexually attracted to women in general vs being sexually attracted to this one woman.

My sister enjoyed sexual relationships with men for a long time but always had close relationships with women. When she was older than you she divorced her jerk husband and later was involved in a lesbian relationship for a long time. I wasn't particularly surprised by her change in sexual preference.
 
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forgetfulagain replied to stevesmw's response:
Thank you for responding. I am just so emotional right now and the attraction is as strong as i've ever had. I will see her again today and each time it just gets harder and harder.... A bunch or excuses and rationalization but that is where I am mentally right now.
 
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Anon_5043 replied to forgetfulagain's response:
That should have gone out anonymously. Oops!
 
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stevesmw replied to Anon_5043's response:
There is nothing wrong with enjoying a sexual fantasy.
You don't to have to feel bad about it. Pursuing it is when things get complicated.
 
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theredletter responded:
So you are feeling all gooey over another girl who you know has slept with women in the past and you feel drawn to her. First good for you a persons sexual prefrances grow amd change over time. Thats good. Second if your conserned about your ability to contain your self you should probably talk to your husband I mean the girl you are interested in may or may not be interested in you. Tge thing is many (not all) secure men have little or no problem having a spouse eith a same sex partner heck he may have even fantasised about you with another woman. Get his blessing and get your feet wet if both parties are willing hubby might even want to watch. You may like it you may never want to do it again but you better belive it is better thst the tenstion not telling is going to cause between you and your friend and you and your husband.

It is possible that it only appeals because it is forbidden perhaps just having you husband's belssing will quench the flame.

Are you bi you ask why lable your self you are attracted to this woman I say you're just branching out best of luck dear
 
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sluggo45692 responded:
As a guy, I can relate to the desires of wanting to enjoy the pleasures of an old friend. Not a sexual thing for a guy, but for old gf. Fantasizing is a great thing. You can hook up with whomever you want and it can still be a secret. In our society, woman on woman is more acceptiable that man on man sex. Women are loving and sensative creatures. I can see how your attracted to your old friend.

I don't think your bi. I think your curious and are missing something in your relationship with your husband. She told you she had been with another woman. That's what made you curious. The job and family stress is making you lonely. Your "therapist" blowing you off didn't help.

I think (my opinion) you need to talk to you husband first. Not confess, but talk. He needs to be involved in what ever you decide to do, whether he approves or not, he needs to know. Quite frankly, if my gf would say she wants to try girl on girl, I would let her. Not because I want to loss her, but the only way to stop an itch is to scratch it. I would just like to know about it first. Another man is a different story. If she wants to try him out, he gets to keep her. That's why I have an ex-wife. She had to try out the maintance man.

Another point of view, if he approves and you have sex with her, could it be another avenue for both of your sexual pleasures? He may even want to watch or join. Could you let your husband have sex with your friend while you watch? Or could you watch and/or join in if he wanted to have sex with another man. Open your eyes to other questions that may come up. Fantasizing and masturbating to her or these other options is not wrong. Going behind his back is. Again my opinion. I hope you find a release to you frustrations and worries. By the way, it would be hard to not want to have sex with someone when it's right in your face. Good Luck


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