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Limited Experience and Sexual Anxiety
blackduck posted:
I am a 29-year-old male with limited sexual experience. The reason might not be relevant, but for years I've dated a girl who was intent on waiting to marriage to have sex. We recently broke up and I've re-entered the dating community where I've found that sex seems to come up very quickly in discussions and while I'm not someone who wants to delay sex until marriage, I'm finding myself not only wanted to delay sex than many of the girls I'm dating - three dates really does seem to be a magic number for a lot of people, but I've been dealing with increased anxiety when I do decide to pursue a sexual relationship - and it has affected my ability to perform in many situations.

My question is... To women, how would you want a man to approach you about something like sexual experience? Should I make it clear that even at nearly 30 I have only had sex a handful of times or just try to do the best I can without mentioning it.

To the men... Have any of you had to overcome performance anxiety while not being in a long-term relationship? It feels awkward to be trying to figure things out for yourself while still essentially trying to win someone over early on in a relationship.

To be clear, I'm not opposed to sex, even sex early in a relationship if the desire is there. If I'm jumping into bed with someone and I'm worried about how it will go though, it never ends well. In my mind, I would like to think that sex can wait until you trust someone enough too tell them about your history without worrying about scaring them off. However in practice, it's always my concern that a woman won't understand how a man could want to delay sex given how most men pursue it so aggressively.

Thanks for any comments and advice you can offer.
stevesmw responded:
I didn't have any long term sexual relationships until I was past 30. the first one was after many weeks of affectionate behavior and was a failure. Since I was in a high state of arousal, I couldn't last long. My second was on a first date and I was interested in pleasuring my partner. I asked her what she liked and took direction. She was extremely appreciative and after a short while, I was able to engage in all kinds of sexual activity and felt very confident. Since many women can't orgasm easily from intercourse a trained penis isn't that important. Concentrate on what pleases her. It still took a while to get over PE issues, but my third partner was so pleased that I knew how to please a woman and wasn't only interested in getting off. At one point I was having so much regular intercourse that I was able to gain good control of my ejaculatory response and the sexual relationship with both women was excellent. The third partner was my wife and we have been married for over 30 years.

The reason I waited so long was that sex was a step toward a long term relationship and relationships are complicated.
I missed opportunities to have mutually satisfactory sex.

The women you would be dating should be sexually experienced and know what pleases them. On the top of the list is a man who is interested and willing to learn what they like.
kramer1961 responded:
I think you are so anxious that you're turning sex into a problem instead of a pleasure. There is no journeyman certificate for sex.
You want to do 2 things, enjoy it, and make an effort to please your partner so that she enjoys it. You might want to get a sex manual and learn some techniques, but apart from that, why not enjoy the thrill of discovery?

Even at 30 let me tell you, you won't make any points with the girl if you tell her your inexperienced, especially if you're somehow implying that she has more sexual miles on HER clock. Just try to relax, enjoy, and give your frontal lobes a rest.
sluggo45692 responded:
I'm glad you stuck by your guns when you were with your prior gf. The other post are right about don't let her think she's a lot more experienced than you are. May be taken as calling her a "slut." If you fumble, just tell her your a little out of practice and want to try that again
Words of advise: don't discuss your prior relationships in detail with your date. Just state,"We just didn't get along" or "We were growing in different directions."
Don't over think sex. The only thing you need to be concerned about is putting "Mr. Happy" some place warm, dark, and wet. I like to put her first, but the in the end it all about me. The worst that can happen is she won't want to have sex with you or doesn't want to go out with you again. Don't let that blow you self confidence. There are more women out there. It's like sports. practice, practice, practice. Don't give up

Good Luck

Helpful Tips

Difficulty having an orgasm?Expert
Try reading Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women by Julia Heiman , Joseph Ph.D. LoPiccolo and David ... More
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