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im a straight woman and i found out my boyfriend is bisexual
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crazy_lady66 posted:
I meet my boyfriend a year ago.first time i meet him i already noticed that he acts like a gay, but i dont want to think about it because his been marriage for 23 yrs before he got divorced.I meet all his family...few months ago he decided to moved me and live together in his house.But im not home all the time, i only come home 3 x a week becuase of my job.we been a happy couple for more than a year, until lately sometimes he didnt call me for 2 consecutive nights in which he used to do that everyday since i meet him, he told me some excuses why he didnt call me, which i did try to understand him,but when i come home the next day i found out 2 condoms (used) form our waste basket inside of our bedroom.I asked him regarding that but he doesnt want to say anything.so I respect him for not telling me but it makes curious of course and suspicious.One day he asked me to download something to his iphone, and i accidentaly open the txt messaging which is already open,(maybe he forgot to closed that txt.) and i was surprised for what I read..he send txt to somebody that his inviting him for 3some and the guy answered him yes his interested for 3some, and he wants to know my boyfriend screen name from the site were they meet.....So what I did, i joined that site( Adam4adam) and look for my boyfriends screen name and I was shock because i saw my boyfriend profile and picture....Now i keep asking him about the 2 condoms that i saw from our bedroom but since his going out of town he told me that his gonna tell me when he comes back.he keep telling me that he love me.......


I love him so much and he is a nice guy, he is a cring person and i am happy to be with him but i cant accept that his having an affair to a men and to a group sex maybe...please help me to decide if what im gonna do, please share your opinion regarding this situation.
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fcl responded:
He's cheating on you. How do you feel about that? Not only is he cheating but he doesn't even have the decency to admit it when confronted with the evidence.

He might have been using condoms to masturbate (less mess to clean up) but if that was the case don't you think he'd have told you? Wouldn't it be better to admit to masturbation than to be accused of cheating?

Personally, I'd have given him the bum's rush when he refused to tell me why there were condoms in the waste basket. You didn't press him for an explanation out of RESPECT? Seriously? Where is his respect for you?

A good relationship needs respect, communication and trust in order to flourish. How many of those do you think you have?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
I'm with FCL on this one!
This man is cheating on you, how much more proof do you need? Two used condoms, text messages to other men, and a gay profile on a gay hookup site? Plus, and I feel this is the biggie here, he told you to your face he loves you, and then refuses to tell you the truth, that gets me!!!


Communication is a must for a happy/successful relationship!


Honesty is a must, also!


If I were you, I would make him tell me the truth, and if it is what it is, then you need to make an informed decision to stay, or leave?!


If you must leave, make him pay for it, he wanted you there, and then proves otherwise. This is his fault, not yours!!!


This IS HIS FAULT, NOT YOURS!!!


I'm sorry he did this to you!!!


Dennis
 
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crazy_lady66 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thank you for your opinion, the reason why i didint force him to tell me the truth because his leaving for a one month travel and he told me that he doesnt want to have any problem between me and him so he wants to tell me as soon as he comes back nxt month.And this I respect his decision.
 
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fcl replied to crazy_lady66's response:
So, in order to spare his feelings, you are going to stew about this for a month?! Heck, I would have demanded to know for that very reason. You seem to think that his feelings are worth more than yours. I bet he's hoping that this will all have blown over by the time he comes back and that you'll have forgotten about it ...

I suggest that during this time you get yourself tested for the whole range of STDs. If he's having sex with someone else he could have passed something on to you.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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kramer1961 replied to fcl's response:
This is uncomplicated; he's an unrepentant cheater. He is NOT a nice guy, he is a charming guy. Its not the same thing.

If you value yourself, don't be treated that way. Detach and move on. On the other hand, if you have low self esteem, you will stick around and rationalize it; "maybe if I give him a good talking too, he'll realize how badly he has behaved."

Wrong. He's a cheater and a bad guy, that's exactly what he is. Love yourself enough to find someone better.

kram
 
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stevesmw responded:
My guess, masturbation. There's a big leap from masturbating to gay fantasies to inviting someone into your house for sex.
 
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dfromspencer replied to crazy_lady66's response:
You are welcome! So, you let him go somewhere for a month, without forcing him to talk with you??? How do you do that? Why would you do that? After everything you have found, and even the web-site, you let him go for a month with zero explanation??? Don't you think it would have been better for your self to talk to him prior to his leaving???


Don't you love yourself, don't you have feelings? You let him dictate this problem by letting it go. You should have demanded an explanation right now!!! Not in 30 days or so?


Look, this guy is at the very least, a player? He is a manipulator, and a user! He is also a CHEATER!!! NO!!! You do NOT let this jerk go on a vacation with his "Friends" without an explanation!!! Gee, I'm sorry, I can't help it when I see a cheater hurting someone(s)!!!


If I were you, and I had the money, I would be out of there in a New York minute!!! Then, when he gets back, hand him the expenses bill for moving. and make him pay!!! Oh, and like everyone else says, get tested for everything, and send him the bill for that, also!!!


I am soooooooooo sorry this jerk has treated you that way!!! I hope you do realize we men are not all like him, some of us are true, and loyal! I sincerely hope you find one of us like that!!! YOU deserve so much better!!!


Dennis
 
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crazy_lady66 replied to kramer1961's response:
Thank you Kram, I know I need to moved on.
 
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crazy_lady66 replied to fcl's response:
Thanks for the opinion, I been thinking now to moved on and i have to let him go, i cant live with this kind of man cheating, user or whatever.
 
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crazy_lady66 replied to dfromspencer's response:
You know its hurts me a lot, but i think this is part of my life, but now i realized that this is wrong,The reason why i didnt talk to him about the text messages and the gay site, do you think his gonna admit that? and its my fault, i should not read his text messages.And besides i dont like fighting at all.Thats why I shared this problem and get some advice,than fighting, besides before he left I already told him that i have to let him go, and i already decided especially now I got some second thought from you guys.
 
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fcl replied to stevesmw's response:
Steve, if it were only for masturbation don't you think he'd have said so? Rather than tell her he'll explain a month later?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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kramer1961 replied to fcl's response:
Generically, the most important question in this life you can ask yourself is this: "who is looking out for me?".

And now I'm going to digress into one of the best life stories I've ever heard:

Once upon a time there was a little bird in a nest at the edge of a forest. It was terribly cold that morning, and the little bird cried out, "cheap! cheap! cheap" and flapped its wings so hard that it fell out of the nest, and not being able to fly, it fluttered down to the ground.

The ground was hard and cold, and the little bird cried out again, "cheap! cheap! cheap!"

Soon, a cow that could hear the bird came along and dropped a steaming cow patty right on top of it! That warmed the little bird up, but now it was covered in cow dirt, so it cried out once more, "cheap! cheap! cheap!

Soon, a fox came by. It picked the bird carefully out of the cow dung, and promptly swallowed the bird in one gulp!

The meaning of the story is this; not everyone that throws dirt on you means you harm, and not everyone who pulls you out of it means well either. The most important point though is that when you're up to your neck in poo, keep your mouth shut!

kram
 
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stevesmw replied to fcl's response:
If he is ashamed of anything it's his online activity. He probably used it as a stimulus for his masturbation.


There's no indication by crazy_lady66 that indicates they discussed his sexuality. It should have happened already and in any event it will be discussed now and in person..
If he cares about the relationship he should make every effort to do this as soon as possible.


What I don't know is if his gay activity is fantasy or something he acts on. There's a big difference. People enjoy taking on an identity in chat rooms and bulletin boards for their amusement.
 
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fcl replied to stevesmw's response:
I'm treating these as two separate issues. I really don't understand why a grown man can't admit to his wife that he masturbates ... He could have avoided a whole can of worms if he had just told her. Hence my doubts.

His gay fantasies are another issue entirely. The two condoms could have been used with a woman or a man or for him alone. If he can't own up about them then maybe there is something to hide?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.


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