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Just curious
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An_257184 posted:
I'm not usually very good at being brief, but I'm going to try. I'm a married guy at 52. Before I got married I had relationships where the sex was great, and varied and I believe very enjoyable for both. I can't pinpoint why I married my wife because I knew we had differences. We were married about a year and half from when we met. Sex was always very important to me and although our pre-marital sex was not as often or as varied as I would have liked it seemed manageable.
After marriage, our sex life quickly become less often and less flexible. I love oral sex - both giving and receiving. But oral sex stopped altogether. I like doggy position the most, and she doesn't go for it saying its either because of a hemorrhoid issue or she just doesn't like it. I like adult video - she won't watch one of any kind, and doesn't understand why I need to look at other women, even though I tell her it has nothing to do with the women, but with the sex act itself. She's a workaholic and she would never come to bed until long after I did, or she'd say she would be right up, but would be in the bathroom for over an hour at which point she usually fell asleep. On those rare occasions when she made it into bed, she would often start to touch me, get me erect, and just totally fall asleep. Anyway, the point is that the ONLY thing we would do would be to lie next to each other and masturbate the other. She would generally complain about my technique even though I was always asking her to show or tell me what she needed. It's been several years now that intercourse hasn't even happened. We have our mutual masturbation thing about 3-4 times per year.
We've gone to about ten different marriage counselors, and we're currently seeing a sex therapist. I no longer feel guilty when going to a massage place (mostly) for hand release or occasionally more. I feel much more guilty about the money! Yes I'm totally aware of STDs, protection etc - that's not the issue.
So, we've been working at our marriage for years but nothing has changed. Yes I have faults, and my wife will blame our sex life on my 'anger issues'. Sometimes I do get angry, but never in a physical way, and I really don't think it's as big an issue as she makes it. I even attended an anger management course to see if there was something to my behavior. Even if we have an argument on the first of the month, we still aren't having sex for the next month even though there may not have been any other disagreements. So I'm now in my fifties, and medication has made it more tricky to have an erection, but Viagra takes care of that problem. But I've come to realize that neither she nor I is ever going to get the other to change to the magnitude we both want the other to change by! Could one of us leave? I guess so, but neither of us want to leave our kids, or our house, neighborhood etc. Even though she doesn't have sex with me she'll say she wants to change, but never does change. I would be fine having sex on the side to be quite honest, but most of society including my wife is not ok with it, and on the day I get caught she'll finally look for a divorce. I don't understand why she doesn't want me to have sex with anyone else if she has decided not to herself. No pun intended, but it seems that I'm the one being screwed.
I feel like if I don't soon have the sex I've that I've been craving my entire life, it will be too late. The question is, what would <i>you</i> do?
Miserable in Boston

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What would you do in this situation?
  • Get a divorce and have as much sex as you could find
  • Don't divorce, get a fwb, and hope not to get busted
  • Don't get a divorce and instead spend money on 'massages'
  • Become a monk
  • Masturbate even more than the once a day you do now
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stevesmw responded:
In many relationships there is a period where each partner tries to please their partner and then it reverts to a person's true sexual nature. My wife was a very sexual person and our sex life was good for many years. Early in our relationship she offered to do things mainly to please me. Things I didn't even ask for. After we were together for a while, those things went away and sexual activity became restricted over time, frequency reduced and after 32 years stopped.
In my situation my wife had PTSD which would mean that she could only initiate sex and that was only after she became aroused mentally. The mental interest was diminished from getting a UTI every time we made love. Nothing I did. Her OBGYN said the issue was that she didn't have sex frequently enough but that suggestion wasn't followed.


A high percentage of married couples have unequal interest in sex. The gap is made up though masturbation.
Anything else and you are asking for trouble. You also need to consider that your erections will continue to diminish at an accelerated rate. The question you need to answer is how is your relationship other than sex. If you are generally miserable and you can extricate yourself, why be unhappy for the rest of your life?


I have a very loving affectionate relationship even though there is no sex. I am a huge optimist and am retiring soon and maybe things will change. My wife still talks about the good old days and I haven't lost hope.
 
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tmlmtlrl responded:
I agree with your last statement. Someday it will be too late.

It feels like you just got together because it seemed like the right thing to do. Got married cuz it was the right thing to do. Had kids, bought the house, and stayed married cuz it seemed like the right thing to do. ?

My guess is the dilemma is change more than anything. You do what you've always done. You're comfortable with everyday life, even though you're miserable inside.

Change can be a scary thing! But I myself am much more afraid of waking up 20 years from now and feeling regret and resentment!

Maybe you don't just up and leave now, but make a plan. Give a timeframe for real change to happen. Then decide what you want to do next.

I just feel there is no reason to live the rest of your life feeling the way you do. Being happy is so worth it. I really wish you luck.

Mutual masturbation 3-4 times a year and no sex for years? I don't know how you've done it. You really want to keep doing this for the next 30 years?

Consider things you did in your 20's that you regret and wish you could change. How you might have done differently.. Now do you really want to be 70 and looking back on being 50 and wishing you would've had the guts to make a change? Regretting how you just let life pass you by because you were comfortable at the time? Because change is scary?

Sorry, I feel like I'm rambling. Just get serious about changes that need to happen and the repercussions that follow. Whether with her or without her. Just not what you're doing now.
 
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stevesmw responded:
I had a girlfriend who really enjoyed giving and receiving oral.
After we had been together for a while she said that she still enjoys giving and receiving oral, just not at the same time.
She wanted to concentrate on her orgasm. I had no problem with that.

It might be a good idea to try that approach the next time you are masturbating her. You concentrate on giving and she concentrates on receiving. You can also enhance the situation with your mouth and other hand; kissing, sucking, caressing. There is no manual on a particular woman's body. What she wants will change by the minute. Let her feel free to give instruction as you are stimulating her.

If a woman enjoys a sexual experience she is more likely to want it more frequently.
 
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oldienoobie replied to stevesmw's response:
Thanks for the response. Actually our relationship aside from sex is also not very strong. We disagree about almost everything. There is no kissing, hugging, similar interests etc. I think she wants to stay together more than I do, and unfortunately there's a part of me that feels responsible for her. It's funny that in other aspects of life, I often make decisions quickly - my wife would say I'm 'impulsive'. Yet after 24 years, I'm still here.
 
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oldienoobie replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
I'm also generally pretty introverted. I think there's a part of me that envisions that I leave and end up living alone in an apartment for the rest of my life. Even though our relationship sucks, we are both 'there' for each other in times of crisis or need. I think if I had a bunch of others that also fit that bill it would probably be easier. I have often made poor decisions in life and I'm partly afraid that this would just be another.
 
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oldienoobie replied to stevesmw's response:
Yes, I'd be ok with that too, but again, oral is out so there is nothing to enhance with my mouth really - if I got up on my knees to use my mouth on any part of her body she gets uncomfortable and wants me to just be beside her. There is zero variety that she allows. It really sucks, and I feel like I've lost something that can't be recovered. I think subconsciously its all about control although she denies it of course. Who would admit that?
 
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sluggo45692 replied to oldienoobie's response:
Hello oldienoobie,

I can total see your point. I was you 10 years ago. We got married in 1990. Sex wasn't alway there, like I like, but we were married and I was gone a lot with my career. I got out of the service and thought it would get better. My son was concieved after a argument and I had left, We got back together. Again sex was one of the big issues. After my son was born, sex went from some, but don't touch to much, to none. 2 years of no sex, no PDA, or even wanting to be near each other. We split. Did counceling. I got a BJ that blew my mind and cost me another 5 miserable years of very little sex and family dysfuction. She cheated and I got the divorce. She stated to the councelor she was sexually frustrated. She truely was the doggie style of sex. I beg and she roll over and play dead.

I was 44 when we divorced. I thought I was a bad person and women didn't like sex. I felt I was a perv because I liked sex.
I found out differently. Women like sex. They want to please their partners as well as be pleased.

I can tell you, I will never live like that again. My wife now is very affectionate, loving and we always are holding hand and snuggling. Even when we can't have sex (due to schedules), we text, call, hold hands and snuggle on the couch. I'm 50 now and some time the plumbing isn't as hard as it use to be. Age does that. I'm very oral and will please her first and get mine second.

We men/women/husbands/partners/wives/ are not perfect. We want what we want. If your in a bad relationship, GET OUT. You have to determine what you want to live with and deal with.

After 24 years, you'll pay. After 19 years,I get to pay my ex 1/2 of 1/3 of my retirement. Money well spent. I can live the way I want to and I get laid. I found a wonderful wife/partner/lover/friend. I hope you make the right decision for yourself.

Good Luck
 
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oldienoobie replied to sluggo45692's response:
Thanks for writing that. Sounds pretty familiar. Like you, I used to think that I was being a perv and women don't like sex. But over the years I've learned that I'm no more of a perv than most men, and also that there are women out there that do like sex.

I think one thing that bothers me as much as the lack of sex is just that even though we've discussed (argued) the subject ten million times, she has made zero effort to meet me half-way. She gets 100% of what she wants (no sex), 100% of the time. I can understand if a woman loses some interest as she ages, but there are also plenty of women who are willing to please their husbands at least some of the time. They actually try to empathize.

Seeing all the painful, ugly divorces out there is a bit of an eye opener, but it seems that most of the people make it through and end up in a better relationship. I have this fantasy that when I die, God will let me have sex with every woman that I had a thought about having sex with. Even if only just passing on the street. Yep, I figure that could keep me busy for several millenium....
 
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sluggo45692 replied to oldienoobie's response:
Divorces are ugly, painful and life giving. I would never advise cheating. It makes things worse. If you plan on divorce, start now. List all assets, divide accounts, look at how much money each of you make, look at the children ages and where they are going. Look at the whole picture as a business deal. That is what the courts are going to see.

My divorce lasted 3 years. That was because, after I left (we had an agreement already in place) she decide to not follow it. In her doing that, she lost. She was to keep my son and get child support. She ended up lossing the house, my son, my support and respect in the court. She was even thrown out of a homeless shelter.

She drag my son through all of it. At times he didn't know where his next meal was coming from or where he would be sleeping.

I have custody of my son, I'm remarried, I have a new (to me) house, good job, good vehicals and my dignity. I was true to my word and I followed the rules. I also get and give sex. A plus is she likes it and wants it. Was it worth it? To me it was.

It may not be what you want, but you have to decide what you want to live with.

Good Luck
 
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stevesmw responded:
Every so often I think about having gone in a different direction; not getting married and being free to do what gave me pleasure.

When I was 33 I was dating two women; for about 6 months at the same time (all out in the open). The first woman was really interested in and enjoyed sex. That was the strongest component of our relationship. She was ready for anything that falls within normal. She also had no expectations about the relationship . The second woman, my wife to be, considered sex as a necessary evil when dating. The first time we made love I ignited something in her that she had never felt and she became an unimagible lover. On a scale of 1 to 10 she was a 12. She also had expectations.

Faced with a decision with having a non complicated relationship with a sex buddy or getting married to a potential life partner who was very passionate, I chose the latter.

What I got was the house, the kid, the dog the cat and sporatic excellent lovemaking.

Going the other direction, I could have had years of good, uncomplicated sex. The older you get, the pool of women who want and appreciate sex and are willing to get into a relationship without strings increases. If my wife died, I would be looking for women over 50 that appreciated being made love to. I'm sure there a lot of them.
 
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bigred53 replied to stevesmw's response:
Well Stevesmw I'm the type of woman you would be looking for - Love sex and no strings.

Michelle
 
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stevesmw replied to bigred53's response:
If the opportunity arose, even with a severely dysfunctional penis, I would be looking for multiple women.

I'm not romantic, but I am probably too affectionate for many women on a sustained basis.

Right now I get a lot of affection, but no sex. I suppose it's better than the opposite.
 
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bigred53 replied to stevesmw's response:
Nothing wrong with being affectionate imo. I'm very affectionate too but I have no one to give it to or receive any form. I think affectionate touch is a basic human need. It's especially nice when accompanied with good sex.

Michelle
 
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oldienoobie replied to bigred53's response:
Well Bigred, if you're ever near Boston let me know!


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