Wife indifferent about sex
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johnyo posted:
So I'm at a crossroad of sorts with calling a marriage of 21 years quits. I have always been the loving and affectionate one and we've talked to many times to count on the issue. She's willing to have sex as long as her effort is no more than showering and lying there. Her favorite position is missionary, which is all we basically do since that feels the best for her. I perform oral sex on her about every time but she doesn't do it at all. On a past talk she said cause I always want it and she said she'd do it when she wanted to. After 4 years of no oral on her part I mentioned it again, she said she doesn't like it cause it's slimy...uh, isn't her tongue equally as slimy lol.
After our talks she would be a bit more affectionate, but no more sexual, for maybe a week then back to the norm. Just over 2 years ago I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, she never researched anything on the disease for info on what I might go through, but here Aunt told her she had Osteoporosis and she's searching it on the internet. In our whole marriage I've never felt wanted or desired by her.
We have sex maybe once a year now since after I was diagnosed I told her that my numbness will make me impotent eventually and that I want her to at least initiate and participate more. Well, she still hasn't done anything, about all she can muster is "so wanna do something tonight?". Is it me or is that not initiating? I don't expect her to jump my bones and ravage me (although that would be a nice surprise).
Even after we discuss divorce as an option nothing changes, yes we've gone to counseling but she still never initiates or does any effort in sex. My whole thing is I perform oral on her cause I want to please her and frankly it excites me as well. But my resentment has embedded into my very soul. Sure I wouldn't have someone there that was willing to have sex if we got divorced but then having a person there you desired but returned nothing would be better in my mind.
Well thanks for reading and any input would be fantastic! Sorry for the length.
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nohard responded:
Hi John. But OK as men we do love out sex life's, but a marriage is more than just sex?


Or have you forgot that part, a loving couple is togetherness. sharing your lives together, sharing interests, sharing friends, is there no children in your marriage? these are great at bringing couples together, that's if you want that.


If your having none of the above, then yes I can see how divorce would be a way out for you both.


Cant think of a way to bring you together, seems from what your saying its one sided, or two sided, hers and yours.


But you have come a long way 21 years, is there no other way you can both resolve things.


Could your wife do with some sex education, do you think perhaps she's afraid of sex, does she have much knowledge of sex? does she orgasm? does she masturbate?.


Although you said about counselling, what options was put before both of you?


As a last try, get both of you to go through this site, it may help with your combined sex life's, perhaps help her to understand more about sex, may even help you as well. its
www.dodsonandross.com its like all the questions on sex you were afraid to ask, your find them here and the answers.


It covers all the sex angles you can both think of, plus more.


Do hope something here helps.


Good Luck
 
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sluggo45692 responded:
Hi John,

My brother has had MS for 5 years. He and his wife have been married for about 30 years. I don't think they have had sexual relations for about 4 years. I have talked to my brother about it and it's been mutual, due to his MS and her depression/anxiety attacks.

She had never had a lot of PDA (public displays of affection) towards him in the later years of marriage, but I know she loves him.
My suggestion to you is if you want sex ask for it. If you think divorcing your wife of 21 years and you have MS will get you more sex, I believe you are wrong. You know the disease and the prognosis your looking at. Grab every thing you can out of your marriage. If she hasn't researched you disease, you do it and give it to her. Show her what your facing. Show her what she's facing.

My brother is now unable to walk, wearing adult briefs and has a urinary cath. He's 49 years old. He looks 60 plus years old. His wife takes care of him. Take care of your wife now while you can. You may be mad/resentful at her now, but you have to understand what she is looking at in her future also.

My wife hasn't initiated very much in the last 6 years we have been together. We got married about 2 months ago. When I ask for sex it's yes and we enjoy it. My ex wouldn't initiate and keep saying no when I did ask. If you have to initiate then initiate.

Good Luck
 
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johnyo replied to nohard's response:
I'm well aware that a marriage is much more than sex. We've had discussions on affection and sex for many years, started after about the 2 year mark, we went to one of those couples retreats sponsored by the military, the counselor told her she uses sex as a weapon. Yes she orgasm's usually at least twice. I am an extremely loving and giving husband in all aspects. I do most of the cooking, laundry and all the outside chores. Part of my annoyance or at least my coping with the annoyance is we act like roommates now, well have been for awhile. She is from the Philippines and since we've been married we've sent them at least $30k. No I wasn't a officer but an enlisted, retired an E-7. I understand her family is over there but they all have BA degree's, why must we always send money. "They have no where else to turn" she says. You would think that of all I do and the patience I've shown her she could understand. When it comes to sex she's just lazy and unwilling to change.
As for getting a divorce and getting all kinds of sex else where I'm under no delusion of that, just the fact if a starving man has a four course meal encased in glass and is forced to only look at it it makes it more psychologically difficult than just having nothing to eat.
 
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nohard replied to johnyo's response:
Hi John Well I tried, The thing then would break the glass eat the four course meal, ask for the $30,000 back, get your divorce and walk away.


Perhaps a happy man, then find a women who's gagging for it, daily.


If that's what you want.


Good Luck
 
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sluggo45692 replied to johnyo's response:
Hi John,

I put a discussion on this blog :http://forums.webmd.com/3/sex-and-relationships-exchange/forum/11374/8

I hope it helps

Good Luck