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I cant make him understand I need and desire foreplay
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lonelytoolong posted:
My boyfriend of 4 yrs. Each time I try to explain to him that I need and desire foreplay. He has a fit. says I have rules. He does not want to or like to hug, kiss or anything..but he wants me to perform oral on him. what is wrong with this picture? If the beginning of our relationship I could not have asked for a more attentive lover. Now I find myself feeling lonely and alone all the time. He insists on watching porno before and during our trying to make love. I know I am all over the page here but I dont know where else to turn or what to do.
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nohard responded:
Hi Lonely, Well I would say your a sexual mismatch and your only way out would be to get out.


Go find the man of your dreams, the guy who just loves foreplay.


I find foreplay is the fun part of sex, for both of us, we have ten fingers, two lips and a tongue and these can go anywhere they like in good foreplay.


If this is what you want? then now's the time to walk and find one, the odds are stacked that the one you have now just wont change, not if he's into porn, he's getting his foreplay there.


Hope this helps you.


Good Luck
 
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fcl responded:
What is wrong with this picture? He refuses to give you foreplay, he forces porn on you and is, basically, a lousy lover. He's settled into a nice, comfy rut (for hi, that is) where you service him and he does absolutely nothing for you. He is not treating you with respect. He is not treating you with love. He has pretty well shut down communication. So why are you still there?

When you have this kind of problems they don't just happen in the bedroom, generally there are issues in the rest of your relationship, e.g. it's hard to keep disrespect to a single area of your relationship.

Here's a suggestion, take 10 minutes to visualize where you want to be in 5 years time and what you want to be doing. Does this include him? Will you still be with him, still giving him oral, still feeling alone and empty inside? Or will you have moved on, developed your life, found happiness and someone who really cares about you (and not just about himself)?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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stevesmw responded:
The woman has the power over whether a couple makes love or not. State your position and stand your ground. He is taking advantage of you. Better to find out who he is now than after getting married. Almost everyone is attentive in the early stages of a relationship. After sealing the deal many people become more self interested.
 
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sluggo45692 responded:
Hello Lonely.

BF is an A**hole as the other posters have stated in kinder words. A relationship is 50/50. Not bow down and suck my **** while I look at porn.

4 years? If he's changed this much from affectionate to womand service me, what's he going to be in another couple of years. Woman must be bare foot and pregnant in kitchen only? Listen & do what I tell you and be quiet? Do you want to live like that?

Your not married and he acts like he wants nothing to do with you, it's time for a change. Him or his behavior. I have been with my wife (just married 6 wks ago) for 6 years. We PDA, kiss (in all the right places), and are attentive to each others needs. Body massages, foot rubs, sexual wants and desires are all given to each other. My wife is not there to just service me.

Only you can decide what you want to live with and how you want to live. I hope you decide what is best for you and yours.

Good Luck
 
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lonelytoolong replied to nohard's response:
Hi Nohard,

Thanks for the reply..I dont want to make excuses for my BF or for myself..Oh he would kill me if he knew I am on here talking about this..oh well, anyhow, he and I during out first I'd say year or so were a perfect sexual match..We both cried the first time we made love..We all would love to have the man or woman of our dreams and mine would not be "The guy who just loves foreplay" I believe in 50/50 or as close as we could get to it. Again I do thank you for your reply. I thought I was losing my mine here lol
 
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lonelytoolong replied to fcl's response:
Hi Fcl,

Thank you for your reply. I would not mind a little porn watching together if it were something we both could enjoy. but for Heaven's sake not something totally out of the norm for me. and before and during our lovemaking no way! You are right, he is not treating me with respect at all. or love for that matter. He tells me he loves me. I used to worship the ground he walked on and I have over looked a lot of REALLY bad things he has said and done to me out of my love for him (I thought) I do love him, but I am NOT in love with him any longer. We both have agreed if there is some chance by the grace of God that we stay together, We need professional help. We both blame one another for our problems. I am not always right but I'm not always wrong either and when we do argue I always say it is OUR fault not just mine nor his. I would love to be with him in 5 years but he will have to do a major turn around for that to happen.He is the kind of person who he thinks is never wrong..thanks again and feel free to comment further *S*

 
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lonelytoolong replied to stevesmw's response:
Hi Steve,

Thanks for your reply..I feel blessed to have others to talk to about this way I am feeling all the time. I just want us to be equal in our love making. Where neither of us has the power. I may try some professional help with him. That would be my last straw. Yes he is taking advantage of me. I guess because I let him? Thank you again and please comment further,*S*
 
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lonelytoolong replied to sluggo45692's response:
Hi Sluggo,

Thanks for your reply also. Your right he is an a hole..Thank you I also believe a relationship should be 50/50..NO I do not want to live like this..when its good it is damn good..but when its bad oh my god it is REALLY BAD,,He and his behavior has GOT to change or we are through! I just needed others to either see why I am feeling this way or to tell me that I do have rules like he says.like I said to the others who responded, I may seek professional help for us. IF we make it that far..please feel free to comment further if you wish. this really helps talking to others about it. and not family or close friends..

 
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fcl replied to lonelytoolong's response:
I suggest that you put a time limit on this. You want this to work and you're willing to go to therapy with him. Tell him that this is what you want, that it will help you learn to both communicate better, that it could get you back on track but that it has to start NOW (and don't accept excuses like no time, no money, etc.). Give it 6 months to see how things progress.

If he refuses to go to counselling, then you have a pretty good indication of how little he actually cares about your future. Also, if he won't go, go by yourself - it will help you sort our your priorities and decide on what to do next.

Good luck to you.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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johnkeller replied to lonelytoolong's response:
If you know what to be changed then go and talk to him Ms.Lonelytoolong. I think you are confused, just think over it from all the sides and take the decision. Go and tell him make him understand that foreplay makes you feel good and you want tha. If he understands than it is well and good, if he don't then you decide what you have to do.
If he really loves you then he will do what you want.
 
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kramer1961 replied to johnkeller's response:
lonelytoolong, Who is looking out for you? Not this guy, he's a jerk. Value yourself enough to find someone who cares.

kram
 
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lonelytoolong replied to fcl's response:
Hi Fcl,

I had been biding my time I guess you'd say. Being ever so miserable.We don't have to go to therapy now. He showed his ass today because I would not buy him more beer. So he called his son whining and he began to scream bad names at me. I felt threatened so I locked my bedroom door,knob and dead bolt lock..He kicked the door in and I was afraid so I called the police to come out and make a report so he'd be responsible for the damages. To make a long story short, He moved in with his son and his wife. Taking BOTH my sets of car keys and my only house key. BUT I can finally breathe again. No sadness at all yet. the way he's treated me these past 4 years I hope I dont grieve too much! Thank you
 
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lonelytoolong replied to johnkeller's response:
Thanks John,

He moved out today. I knew it would eventually happen but I didn't want it to happen this way..bitter and very hateful.Name calling,breaking things etc etc

Thanks again
 
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lonelytoolong replied to kramer1961's response:
Hi Kram,

Thank you, He moved out today thank God! Like I said earlier I really feel like I can breathe again


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