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Feeling extremely sexually frustrated
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justaguy29 posted:
Hi everyone. I'm sure this is a tale as old as time, but I just had to express my frustration and vent somewhere.

I'm 29 years old, married, with three children who are the world to me -- including a 2 month old. My wife and I love each other, and get along for the most part. Over the past few years, it's become more of a partnership and "team" setting rather than husband and wife. I have an incredibly high sex drive, but she is the exact opposite. Her upbringing and attitudes toward sex are negative and view it as a burden more than anything. There have been moments of enjoyment, but they are few and far between. I do everything I can to make her feel wanted and go to great lengths to ensure her pleasure.

With a new baby, things are obviously turned upside down. She's a fantastic mother, but sometimes I feel she's way more interested in being a mother than being a wife.

Of course, our sex life is nonexistent. With the previous children, it wasn't a big deal to me at all. I dealt with it and was patient until things got back to normal.

But this time, holy hell. I feel extremely sexually charged most of the time. I work in an office environment, and it seems like every woman I see has something that turns me on and makes me want them. It's at a level that if given the chance, I'm not sure if I could say no to cheating.

I've never done anything nor do I want to. But lately I've been feeling like I really crave sex. More than I've ever felt. Yes, I realize porn and masturbation are outlets -- but they are empty and do not provide real satisfaction to me.

So anyway, I'm not really looking for any answers. Just want to share my experience and see if anyone has felt or feels the same way. I know things will go back to "normal" in time, but for now, it's very difficult.
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nohard responded:
Hi, Its nice to get things off your chest.


But a women is a mother first and a wife second once the little ones come along, and yes plays havoc with men's sex lives.


Try sitting down with her and ask her about you two having some lets call it parent time, time for a bath together, its a great way to relax, don't forget some candles and some wine, this makes it nice.


From this see how things progress, and if need be, get a sitter in and go out not so much to dine but just be your self's, try enjoying your self's again, a time to rekindle your love.


From this, who knows there could be something stirring in both of you, see parent time.


Good Luck
 
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georgiagail responded:
Bub, your wife just delivered her third baby 2 months ago. How about giving her a bit of time to get over the rigors of pregnancy and delivery.

We could, of course, get into how often you help at home with these three little ones. I'm not going to be one of those who will automatically blame the father for sitting around on his duff while the mother does all the work BUT...take a long, hard look at just how much you ARE doing at home. And I don't mean taking out the garbage twice a week or mowing the grass.

If she views sexual contact as a burden it may be that to her it IS a burden right now because, frankly, she's so damned exhausted with the kids. And perhaps if you devoted a bit more energy around the house your hormones would settle down and this idea of cheating on the wife and the family you seem to think the world of would seem less enticing and more like the insane idea it should be.

Gail
 
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justaguy29 replied to georgiagail's response:
Thanks for the reply, Gail. I appreciate the advice, but would like to say that I'm a bit taken aback by your suggestion that I'm inactive and don't help out enough. I'm extremely hands on with the kids. A partial list of my responsibilities:

-- Cooking dinner every night. She isn't a very cook cook (self-admitted), and I enjoy cooking when I get home from work.

-- Doing the dishes after dinner

-- Giving the kids their bath every night

-- Vacuuming, sweeping, and cleaning as needed and when I have time outside of my full time job and freelance work

-- Playing with the kids almost every chance I get

And this doesn't include the normal things expected of a husband. I'm very respectful of the fact she just delivered. But I think my frustration goes beyond that.

So I just re-read your last paragraph. *Seem* to think the world of? How can you even being to judge that?

You've completely missed the mark with your analysis. And I say that in all respect and sincerity.
 
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georgiagail replied to justaguy29's response:
As I said in my posting (which you appear to have missed) I am not going to be one of those folks who automatically assumes that you're a father who sits on his duff doing nothing while the mother does all the work at home.


While you never went into details of this in your first posting, you did in your second and it's pretty obvious that you do some help around the place.


Having written that, the depressing situation it, unfortunately, is that this often means absolutely nothing when you are dealing with someone who is just two months post partum.


Simple exhaustion is often the most common (coupled sometimes with depression) response that many new mothers will have for a good four to six months after delivery.


You can, of course, approach the wife with the previous suggestions; things that are typically brought up when a couple may be growing apart; baby sitters, date nights, actually scheduling intimacy times.


Folks often seem to think that intimacy needs to be spontaneous; a great idea when it's just the two of you but when children are involved a therapist will often recommend actually setting up specific days/evenings of the week just for intimacy...whatever that may involve. Keep in mind that such intimacy may not necessarily lead to actual intercourse and, in many cases likely should not if the woman feels pressured in any way to have it conclude in this manner. The assumption that it "must" can sometimes back fire. When pressured it's not unusual that a wife will tell her husband she feels like a prostitute doing this and thus this whole thing goes down the drain.


Finally, drop the self-righteous attitude regarding my "judging" you with my comment on "seeming". You're the one who isn't sure if given the chance you'd say no to cheating. That's a lousy response for someone who spent a great deal of effort explaining how he loved his wife and how his children were the world to him; yet might risk throwing is all away if caught going after some outside pussy.


You're just 29 years old. There will be many times in your married life where there will be ebbs and flows for the BOTH of you in your sexual desires for each other. If you both feel this way regarding stepping out of your relationship because you've got that itch between your legs you haven't got much a marriage to begin with.

Gail
 
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sluggo45692 replied to georgiagail's response:
Hi Guy & Gail,

Gail. your right about the ups and downs of pregnancy and marriage. Your also right about the idea that intimacy doesn't need to be spontaneous.
Guy, I hear you and have been in your spot. It will get better. Take your problem in hand for a little while longer and ride out the hard times. Believe me, just helping out in the house and child care shows her you love her more than flowers sometimes.
Remind her every morning, noon and night how much you love her for her and for giving you 3 wonderful children. Her focus is the children. This is natural and there is nothing more beautiful then a mother looking down with love at her children.

In about another month, get a sitter for the kids for about 2-4 hours. Take her to a place she loves and feel comfortable with. Let her relax her mind and she will come around to you.

Right now, Take the kids and let her go do something for her. Let her get her nails or hair done. Tell her to go watch a movie while you watch the kids. She needs a break to unwind, so she can recharge for everyone.

A suprise flower or card never hurts and let's her know you still care.

Good Luck


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