Skip to content
My WebMD Sign In, Sign Up
Sexual disinterest
avatar
An_258092 posted:
The girl I've been seeing recently has told me that she isn't interested in sex, never has been never will be. She has a kid too. I'm wondering what would cause a girl to say that? She's a terrific girl and I can see our relationship progressing really far, but I'm worried about the lack of sexual desire. She says she only really has wanted sex every 3-4 months. Now me, I'm a very sexual guy, not just because of how it feels but also because of the spiritual connection I feel with my partner during the act. So therefore the lack of desire worries me. I see so many married couples that fall through because of the lack of sex, but usually at the beginnings of the relationship there is a lot more sex in any relationship. I love the feeling of being wanted and accepted, but I'm worried that she won't be able to give me that. She's also not hugely interested in cuddling or touching and kissing, but she doesn't say no to me kissing her or hugging her. I'd like opinions. Is there a reason for her lack of desire? She hasn't wanted to tell me why cause she's not comfortable enough yet, and that sentence has me worried. I'm worried about it because I've been in love with her for 2 years but our relationship finally has started and I'm scared that it might not be right with the girl I've been infatuated with. I know I'm droning on, I apologize, I just want other peoples thoughts. Thanks
Reply
FirstPrevious12NextLast
 
avatar
fcl responded:
There are many possible reasons for having a low or non-existent sex drive - she may simply be asexual, she could be a rape survivor, she could have a hormonal imbalance or ... the list is endless.

I think it's highly commendable that she has told you, up front, at the very beginning of your relationship that she is not interested in sex. Please listen to her. She's telling you so you don't try to fix her.

You've been infatuated with her for 2 years and you now finally have the relationship you wanted but you find out that the object of your obsession is not at all how you expected her to be... So now what? You can either decide to give it a try and if things don't go the way you would like them to you can break up with her or you could break up with her now because the lack of sex would be intolerable to you. Sex is like air - it's only important when you're not getting any ...

I don't mean to be rude, but why did you wait for 2 years before asking her out?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
avatar
An_258092 replied to fcl's response:
The reason for us not dating previously was because of distance. She used to live half way across the country so I think we both were worried about that distance. We saw each other numerous times along the years and there's always been that attraction between us but just didn't act on it until she ended up moving closer to me for a better job and because she said she wanted to be closer to me. So now we are giving it a shot. I understand she might not ever really be too into sex but do you think it's fair to have a compromise some day in the future and if so what might be a reasonable expectation?
 
avatar
georgiagail replied to An_258092's response:
Your "reasonable expectation" is exactly what she's already told you.
Quote...she "isn't interested in sex, never has been never will be".
She only wants sex every 3 or 4 months.

Keep in mind the true saying; the person with the lowest sex drive controls the amount of sex in a relationship.

Gail
 
avatar
An_252334 replied to An_258092's response:
I may offend folks, but RUN AWAY. You want sex a lot and she doesn't want it at all. This is a miserable way to live. Your not married, not engaged and have no children between you. Look for some one else. DON'T expect to change her with your talk, tongue, or penis. If your not sexually compatiable now, you never will be. This is not a good compromise for some day or any day.
Wake up folks. If your dating and one partner is a horny devil and the other one is an asexual person, it won't work. No therapy, no discussions, no compromises will ever make this relationship work. All your looking for in later life is pain, heartache, and a lot of fighting. Sex is not the only thing in a relationship, but it's very important, no matter what others say. Us horny dogs can't live with out it and the asexual people don't want to hear the complaints about not having it. Be friends, be buddies, be her supporting shoulder, but don't try to be in a sexual relationship or expect one. It will only hurt each of you.
 
avatar
An_258092 replied to An_252334's response:
I can understand being incomparable, but I do no think she's asexual. I've heard some of her past when she was younger and it's somewhat adventurous you could say. If she was asexual then wouldn't she just not ever have sex? I kind of get the feeling that there's something else going on in her mind, or maybe hormonal imbalance I'm unsure. Maybe something in her past from when she was more adventurous has made her say she doesn't have interest in sex.... Or maybe I'm being tested? You know to tell if I'm the type of guy who only wants her for sex, which I'm obviously not. It's just another thought, and I do appreciate the comments this post is getting, it is helping me figure things out!
 
avatar
bigred53 replied to An_258092's response:
You're in a tough spot for sure. Here's my take on her past. Some women will have sex because they think that is what they are supposed to do with the men they date. Not because they really like it. Or they do it to get a steady boyfriend or even because everyone else is doing it.

Do you know if she's orgasmic when she does have sex? More than likely she fakes it to please the man. Does she masturbate to orgasm? From what you've said I doubt it.

You've also said that she doesn't really like any kind of physical affection, i.e., cuddling, hugging, kissing, etc. That would be a major deal breaker for me. Most people need physical affection as much as they need air. It's healthy.

There might be something in her past that has caused this but until she is willing to talk about it and get therapy for it she's highly unlikely to change no matter how much you love her.

As others have said she could be asexual. There's nothing wrong with that as long as she's happy with herself.

The big question is are you going to be happy living in a relationship without physical love or physical affection? I know that when I care about a man I want to touch them in every way possible.

Continue being her friend but don't expect her to change.

Michelle
 
avatar
An_258092 replied to bigred53's response:
I just talked to her recently a little bit about the affection part and she said that she is trying and wants to be better at it and at being more girly for me, (girly meaning more touchy and all). She kind of grew up in a tomboyish setting but she has seemed fairly girly to me since I met her. She also said that eventually she might be more interested in sex when she's more comfortable (or something along those lines), so maybe there's hope? Haha
 
avatar
bigred53 replied to An_258092's response:
You sound like a really nice guy but imo she's saying those things to keep you coming around. Being a tomboy should have nothing whatsoever to do with being 'touchy feely'. I'm good friends with some very masculine men who are very physically affectionate - they will hug, kiss and hold my hand while we're talking and there is nothing sexual going on between us. I will hug and kiss my female friends.

As much as you want things to change I seriously doubt they will. I feel bad for you because it seems like you've invested a big part of your heart in this relationship.

What is she like with her child? Is she physically affectionate? When my son was little I couldn't get enough of hugging, kissing him all over and holding him whether he was awake or asleep. Is she like that?

She says she is going to try. I have to say that I think she's going to try not for herself but for you and to keep you coming around. I'm sorry if that hurts and I know it's not what you want to hear. All you need to do is read some of the other posts on here to see how serious sexual incompatibility is. How frustrating and hurtful it is for the partner who isn't getting what they want and need. When you love someone you want to express that love physically, pleasuring your partner. Sure there's always masturbation but that only provides a physical release not the total mind and body experience that lovemaking provides or the intimacy with your partner. Isn't that what you want and deserve?

Don't let your love blind you to the potential difficulties I'm sure you will experience if you continue in this relationship.

Michelle
 
avatar
An_258092 replied to bigred53's response:
All those are valid points, the main thing that gets me is during the years that I've known her I have dated other people but I always still thought of her which wasn't fair to the people I was seeing, that's why it didn't work out with them. So now I'm worried that if I don't give it a good shot then I'll always feel like I missed something I really wanted. I can understand sexual incompatibility might be there but don't I at least deserve to give it a good chance especially considering I know I'd still think about her if we didn't date. I mean I have for 2 years I don't know how that might change without trying and maybe failing.

About her kid, she is very affectionate with him, hugs, kisses, cuddles, the whole 9 yards. She's always just suddenly picking him up and giving him cute huts and kisses and making him laugh. I love seeing it.
 
avatar
bigred53 replied to An_258092's response:
You're an adult and will do as you want. I'm afraid you're heading for heartbreak.

My youngest brother married the wrong woman, became an alcoholic and ended up in prison, lost everything including custody of his daughters. Things like that happen every day.

There is a Garth Brooks song that I believe is called 'Unanswered Prayers'. It's about a young man who loves a girl and he prays and prays for her to love him and for them to be together. It doesn't happen and he manages to go on with his life. He does fall in love again with a wonderful woman and they have a great life together. Many years later they go back to his home town and he sees the one he didn't think he could live without. Well she's a big mess all around. He realizes how lucky he is that God didn't answer his prayers and instead sent the true love of his life to him.

I don't know how old you are but I suspect you're pretty young. I hope you think long and hard about what you'll be getting into. She might accommodate you sexually but I'm afraid her heart won't be in it. I couldn't be with someone who wasn't totally into me and wanted me heart and soul. Who wanted to have sex and enjoyed having sex with me. Who wanted to pleasure me unselfish. Can you live without that kind of connection?

Michelle
 
avatar
An_258092 replied to bigred53's response:
I am still young, 25, and I agree about the connection. I do want connection with someone, but isn't that connection the spark she and I have had for so long even if we didn't do much about it? I do wish she would want to be intimate with me in the future, but I'm worried about throwing away someone who has tugged at my heart strings so profusely as she. Every other girl I've dated just didn't feel right, minus how she feels bout sex I've never wanted or felt for someone like this. I understand cutting my losses earlier on... But I'm worried that it would be a mistake to leave, or at least that I would feel as though there could have been more if I had given it a chance. Do you know what I mean? Like an opportunity never taken is an opportunity always missed. Right?
 
avatar
georgiagail replied to An_258092's response:
You've already answered your question as to whether you should continue with this relationship.

For those of us who are providing very valid concerns that you will be entering a sexually frustrating relationship; we're just wasting our time here.

Gail
 
avatar
An_252334 replied to An_258092's response:
Yes a test of compatibility and sounds like it a bust. You've shown your not just after her body after all this time. Like Michelle said, she may have be "frisky" when she was younger because she thought she had to be, but didn't like sex.
Public displays of affection (kissing, hugging, touching, holding hands) are vital in a good relationship. Especially for a man. If you go to kiss your partner and she turns away, it's insulting and hurtful. My wife does it only if she's mad at me. My ex-wife wouldn't let me touch her after our son was born. It was a lousy way to live. Then she let someone else touch her and we divorced.
She may not be asexual, but if she's has a lot less sexual drive than you (once every 3-4 months or none), it's time to go. Again just my opinion. I'm not you and I know I couldn't and won't live that way again.
 
avatar
An_258092 replied to georgiagail's response:
It's not a waste of time, I truly am listening and I'm only going to give it so long. The comments people are giving me are saying to stay away, which is valid, but the main thing I had been wondering is what would cause her to say those things. Example being I might be used as what was said to "keep me coming back". I have not been with her too long so it was mainly a general question/concern of mine and I wanted people's opinions as to what it may be for her reasoning about sex before I get myself too deep in the hole dating her. The other people I've dated, for the most part, have been very sexual so this is a new situation for me. Only way to learn is by experience or by asking people who have experienced it


Helpful Tips

Be the first to post a Tip!

Related News

There was an error with this newsfeed

Related Drug Reviews

  • Drug Name User Reviews

Report Problems With Your Medications to the FDA

FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.

For more information, visit Dr. Becker-Phelps' website