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    No orgasm
    donedge posted:
    In our 20 years of marriage , my wife has had 3 orgasms...she described them as not very intense, of no real interest to her. She has no desire for more , or ones of more intensity. They were the only ones she has had in her life. She says she is very happy with our sex life. All of that is fine for her but is really not very good for reduces my sexual self-esteem and confidence to almost zero and makes me dread having sex with her as I know that the outcome will be disappointing. I should add that she admits to having no libido and I always have to suggest and initiate sex....nothing has changed in the slightest in our sex 'routine' in 20 years....and she is very resistant to change.Any suggestions?
    fcl responded:
    If she's happy with things the way they are then there is really no reason for you to feel bad. For many women, sex is about lovemaking and an orgasm is simply a bonus. It isn't the be-all and end-all that you might think it is. Your wife enjoys the journey more than reaching the destination, if you will

    I suggest you stop focussing on her orgasm (or lack of it) and concentrate on making her feel good during foreplay and enjoying your own orgasm. Rememmber that the outcome is only "disappointing" to you, not to her, and it's only disappointing to you because you let it be disappointing ...

    Might I ask why "nothing has changed in the slightest" in your sex routine in 20 years? Do you ask your wife before trying something new? Or do you try to lead her there? Does she enjoy massages? Does she let you explore her body? What kind of things does she like?
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    donedge replied to fcl's response:
    Nothing has changed because she doesn't want anything to change. There is a very limited 'repertoire ' of things that she is prepared to do and she will not budge from that. She enjoys the closeness and romance of sex but nothing else. i think she finds an awful lot of it faintly disgusting. Any attempts I have made to introduce anything radically different ( e.g. toys, fellatio, touching her 'elsewhere' ), have met with fierce resistance and anger. I am always asking her what feels 'good' during foreplay and I just get 'it's all nice'...i.e. she doesn't really know what I mean. As a male I don't feel I have much to work with.......
    donedge replied to donedge's response:
    Anon_134193 replied to donedge's response:
    Sounds like a really frustrating situation. I don't know if there is a solution, either, because she has to realize that she's missing something before she wants to change. I suspect a lot of religious or cultural baggage that has caused her not to feel the pleasure that she could. If he muscles are weak from not exercising them, she may have insignificant orgasms that don't seem worth it.

    I think other forms of loving touch might help, such as massage, even foot rubs, back rubs, anything like that. Showering together, being close. Ask her if she'll let you wash her hair and give her a nice scalp massage. If she's that resistant to change, and if she's truly happy the way she is, you may not have many ways to help her... it's a real tragedy. I hope you find some way to reach her.

    Talking about it might or might not help. Starting with "would you like to enjoy sex more? You can feel so much better than you do now," and going from there. You want her too feel good, you want her to enjoy the experience too. It's definitely not all about you. It sounds like you are a good husband and I wish you the best.

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