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My boyfriend finds more pleasure with masturbation then with me?
unpestwithmyself posted:
My boyfriend can only keep an erection when he masturbates. I now think it has something to do with me. I don't know what to do. He has satisfied himself for so long with porn and masturbation that he thinks that is the problem. I am not so sure. I have become very self conscious about the way I look and the way I do things that I am now thinking it is all my fault. I actually thought he had stopped masturbating but woke up the other night and caught him. He told me, I don't have an orgasm, I am only stroking to the porn. What gives? I have been standing beside him and trying to help him for months now. I feel ugly and disgusting. I feel like a failure. I don't even want to talk to him about the issue anymore. This man is loving and caring. Passionate and kind. Thoughtful. But maybe this is a bigger issue than I can help him with?
nohard responded:
HI get to shut down his porn sites switch on the parent control, you control it.

He needs to get rid if all his down loads of porn from his computer, surprising how much he could store, and throw away all that he has on disc, the above is a start.

Now comes the cold turkey, he has to have no sexual contact withy you and no masturbation for 8 weeks, do you know if he gets nocturnal erections or morning woods? if its no, then during this lay off, if by week four he starts to get these back then he's on his way back and winning, after that they should get better, if not then he needs to extend it to 12 weeks.

The problem is I don't know how long he's been on porn, but if this was a long time the it could take a lot longer, if you have a read of the ED forum on and there is lots to read, it could take a long time, the 8 and 12 weeks is just a start, but if he really needs his sex life back then this is the start for him and you if you stick by him.
Hope this helps.
Good Luck
stevesmw responded:
It's his issue not yours. This is an ed issue. When you have an ed problem, you will try to do whatever gives you pleasure to compensate. There is nothing wrong with masturbation other than it is a poor substitute for intercourse. Porn is a booster when you are having trouble getting aroused.

I don't know his age, physical condition or what meds he is taking. He also may be having performance anxiety because of his erectile problems.

The quick fix is for him to take ed meds and see if that helps. The correct solution is for him to get checked out by a doctor.

There was a time when I was dating two women, having frequent good sex and still masturbated a lot. When I got a lot older I started having ed issues, loss of sensation in my penis and would still masturbate even if I couldn't orgasm.
Something is better than nothing. I would love to attempt intercourse and please my wife anyway I could. Unfortunately for me, my wife normally would only be interested in sex if I had a solid erection. For now, my goal is to loose weight, get healthier and hopefully my erections will improve.
bigred53 replied to stevesmw's response:
Dear upset it is NOT your fault! He needs to stop masturbating so much and learn to use a lighter touch on himself. Most men use a tight, dry grip when they masturbate. Especially young men. A wet vagina can't compare with a tight hand.

He needs to retrain his penis to enjoy a softer touch. A lot of young men masturbate hard and fast. He needs to stop doing that for a few weeks so his penis can regain sensitivity. He needs to slow down and enjoy all the sensations instead of hurrying to a climax.

Is he able to please you sexually with his mouth and hands? Intercourse is not the best or only way for a woman to climax. I have never been able to climax from penetration alone. I, and most women need clitoral stimulation too.

It's not going to be easy but you need to talk to each other about this. He can change his habits if your relationship is important to him.

I also suggest reading It's a wonderful site, mostly for women but there is a lot of excellent information for men too.

stevesmw replied to bigred53's response:
Your analysis is for a man's inability to orgasm from intercourse. ED is a different issue.

I agree that not having and erection is not a good excuse for pleasing your partner. It still leaves the OP's issue of not being able to please her boyfriend.
nohard replied to stevesmw's response:
Hi Steve please go and look up Porn Induced ED, chuck in over masturbation, and you get what her b/f has, gets an erection but when it comes to sex they just lose it.

What I put a above is a standard way out and it works, lots of doctors will only prescribe Viagra for it, its not the answer.

These guys need to come off porn, its there only way out, it shuts down there sexual receptors, do that and bang goes your sex life.

stevesmw replied to nohard's response:

Which came first? I developed ED and hadn't watched porn in over 20 years. When you have ED you will try anything that might work, like porn to get it up. There are physical and mental components to getting an erection. I posted something a while back about getting more aroused when my wife was aroused than taking Viagra.

Regarding masturbation, I'm more in the use it or lose it camp.
How you masturbate can influence the time it takes for you to orgasm; too quick or not at all. I also know of men that think of intercourse as too much work and would rather masturbate.

I don't know of any studies where masturbation causes impotence.
bigred53 replied to stevesmw's response:
The OP said her boyfriend can only maintain an erection with masturbation. Isn't ED a problem achieving an erection? He gets erections. That is why I said it sounded like an over-masturbation problem.

stevesmw replied to bigred53's response:
1. You could be right or
2. An erection can be adequate for masturbation but not intercourse or
3. He is lazy and intercourse is too much work.

The biggest issue is that he is unwilling to do something about his erection problem during intercourse.

As a frequent masturbator, on a scale of 1 to 10; hand 3-5, vagina 6-10. Why would anyone chose a hand unless there are some other issues when both options are available.
nohard replied to stevesmw's response:
Steve if you can do it and have the time you should read through these links.

Over masturbation, all of what you can see on this site I do have on a list, and yes it dose get that bad for guys who over masturbate, I've worked with some of these guys, they can get over it, but like all things it dose take time, if successful, but there are a few who will never get it back, there is still a chance of some kind of sex life, but its without an erection.

This one site is packed with info, for porn induced ED, the way back is much the same for over masturbation, and for a lot of guys over masturbation come from porn, apart from the guys how just love masturbating 5 or 6 times a day, and all without porn.

Good luck

Anon_134193 responded:
One thing you can do is become more sex-positive and work on your self esteem. Bad body image is a really good way to wreck a partner's confidence as well as your own. That's a recipe for worry and it can cause psychological ED. If you feel ugly or disgusting, find a way to love yourself. It will help both of you.
unpestwithmyself replied to nohard's response:
Not really an ED issue. He is able to get an erection and keep an erection by his own hand while watching porn. Just unable to keep an erection while having sex with me. Is there something wrong with me?
unpestwithmyself replied to stevesmw's response:
Thank you for sharing your story. It does shed some light on the subject. Still worried I am just not sexy enough.
unpestwithmyself replied to bigred53's response:
This makes sense to me. I have made this suggestion before. But to top it all off...he was watching porn just yesterday morning! I just don't know how much more I suppose to take. I feel like this is my fault, like I am not sexual enough, or pretty enough. Sad thing is...this relationship goes even deeper than just your everyday boyfriend/girlfriend.
unpestwithmyself replied to Anon_134193's response:
The reason I feel ugly and disgusting is because of the fact that he cannot keep an erection while having sex with me. I mean come on...we are not all porn stars nor look like porn stars...right?

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