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Humiliated but desperate...
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ml283 posted:
Apologies in advance for long story...i am an healthy 31 year old male who has NEVER EVER had any problems obtaining or maintaining an erection. I recently met what i can only describe as the girl of my dreams. We've been dating steadily since the end of May. A few days ago, she was finally ready to have sex for the first time. I had spent the entire day hoping and planning for exactly that outcome. I had no alcohol in my system at all, or any drugs or medication, but perhaps a lot of nerves and anxiety. Simply put, I failed to get an erection. I was completely embarrassed and shamed. It had literally NEVER happened to me before. And the crazy part is that i am insanely attracted to her and want her SO badly. I cannot imagine what went wrong. She was amazingly cool about it, said not to worry, and that we would try again. Just a couple of days later (probably too soon, but i was so desperate to try again...) she wanted to meet again and we wound up giving it another shot. It was a LITTLE better, as i was able to achieve an erection at first, but then i gradually lost it until it was no longer possible to continue. This time she was noticeably upset, and is now wondering if we just aren't "sexually compatible." I have NO IDEA WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. Never, EVER has this ever been a problem before. And she is the first woman in a LONG time that i have developed real, actual feelings for, yet somehow i cannot perform for her sexually. I realize this is all in my head and a result of some kind of anxiety, but i can't seem to get out of my own head (no pun intended).

Please, I am completely desperate and so afraid i'm going to lose her. She wants some space and time to think, but seemed to indicate i might get one more shot. I haven't felt this way about someone in so long and if i lose her now i don't know that i'll recover emotionally for a long time. I am able to masturbate normally and maintain an erection while even kissing her or just being near her. Yet the anxiety in the act is suddenly so overwhelming i go soft.

Has anyone every experienced anything similar? I don't want to resort to pills, but i am willing to try...i'd do anything not to lose her. I just don't want to become dependent on them.

Thanks for ANY help and your understanding....
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georgiagail responded:
There's nothing wrong with you physically. You just put too much pressure on yourself mentally; way over thought this and thus the erection went south.

Will she give you another try? Who knows? But frankly, you've now got so much pressure to perform as a stud what's happened before is likely to happen again.

How about sitting down and attempting to discuss this with her first. She may be the girl of your dreams but if you can't discuss this, embarrassing as this may be then you two really haven't got much of a long term connection to begin with.

Gail
 
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ml283 replied to georgiagail's response:
Thanks for your response. We actually have discussed it, a little the after the first time, and a LOT more after the second time. It turns out there are some things each of us are used to that neither of us realized. But you're right, this is all about the pressure at this point, and the problem is that i'm not sure what to do about that. Willing to try ED pills, but frankly, what i need may be closer to anti-anxiety medication since, as you (probably) accurately point out, there is nothing physically wrong with me.
 
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georgiagail replied to ml283's response:
Unfortunately, one of the side effects of many of the anti-anxiety medications is...yep, you guessed it...ED at times.

Gail
 
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bigred53 replied to georgiagail's response:
Just a comment or two. Isn't the goal of being intimate with someone pleasure? There are a lot of ways to give and recieve pleasure besides intercourse. Take is slow and easy. Start by giving her a massage. Pleasure her body all over with your touch, your fingers and mouth. If she feels so inclined let her pleasure you in the same way. Try not to make intercourse - penis in vagina - the goal. Make feeling good the goal. Once the pressure is taken off your penis I'm sure everything will be fine.

Michelle
 
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ml283 replied to georgiagail's response:
Ha, that very much figures.
 
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ml283 replied to bigred53's response:
Thank you...intelligent, reasonable, thoughtful reply that makes total sense...unfortunately, tried this as well. The bottom line is SHE wants penetration. And by NO MEANS is she putting pressure on me. Not at all. This is in no way her fault. She loves caressing, touching, kissing, teasing, oral...all the foreplay stuff. But, quite rationally, she always wants to be penetrated. This is where I am completely psyching myself out. Perhaps hypnosis? It's completely bizarre.
 
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bigred53 replied to ml283's response:
ml283, does it have to be penetration by a penis? Maybe I'm a different kind of woman in that I could care less if I had a penis in my vagina as long as his fingers and tongue work. Would some kind of toy work just as well for her? I also think that some young women are taught or think that PIV (penis in vagina) sex is the only kind of sex that counts. Sex to me is SO much more than that.

I do love having a penis in my mouth though. I love giving pleasure to my partner.

I know this is a very emotional time for you as well as stressful. I have always felt that sex should be fun as well as feeling great. Try to bring the fun back if you can. Laughing and being silly can be great stress reducers.

I hope the two of you can work this out. If not, come visit me, although I am old enough to be your mother...lol.

Michelle
 
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nohard responded:
Hi At first I would say its was performance anxiety, then over the next couple of days you have loaded yourself up with stress and depression, these three are all sex killers, so its all down to your mind and just trying top hard.


There are ways out of both of these, and without drugs, just google natural ways out of anxiety and natural ways out of stress, if you know how to meditate this will help you.


But for now if you have your own flat just get your women round, don't think of sex and just get naked with her, be normal but naked, see how you both get on, tell her why your doing this, its all part of getting over your problem, it will help you, if you get the chance bath together, relax together, the more you can do this, the better.


Now hopefully, as time goes on, you should be getting good erection why your around her then is the time to take her, don't think of the bedroom anywhere will do, it must be spontaneous, you will both love it, if all goes well you can do it again.


This is breaking down these walls that you have put up, but don't try any drugs for erections, just let nature do it for you.


Its just some ideas, but these should work for you.


Good Luck


Don't forget, don't keep talking over your problems, doing this will just build up more walls, RELAX and stay calm.


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